Keep It Steady 10

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Good evening, Columbus High students! It is still Thursday night, May 18 2006. Please be advised this episode contains strong language. Congratulations to the winner of CHS’s Battle of the Bands, Antonia, whose song “Bee MacLeod” will win a $10 gift certificate to Borders, and the profound peace of mind of someone who will never be discovered after curfew at a crush’s house, accidentally greeting that person’s parents for the first time ever with the blurted out words “Oh shit.”

ZACH NARRATION

The second thing I think to say, after “Oh shit,” is “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I just—it’s been a, kind of an intense night…”

The third thing I think to say is, ‘You know what? Actually, I stand by ‘oh shit’’ but I keep that to myself, because I’m technically still Gabe’s fake boyfriend, which means trying not to make his parents believe their son has made a horrible mistake. I disentangle myself from him, crossing my arms against the sudden chill.

Should I shake their hands? Ask for permission to date their only child?

MR. NAVARRO

(SYMPATHETIC) Intense night, huh? Sounds like it.

ZACH

Do you think she actually has a chance? Mr. and Mrs. Krueger are, like, con artists. They’re good at lying.

MRS. NAVARRO

If your friend has enough proof, I think the odds are very good. Even beyond that, she has options. But before this goes any further, we need to know: Zach, are you absolutely certain she’s telling the truth?

ZACH NARRATION

I turn back to Gabe, flash him what’s got to be a panicked look. Gabe squeezes my shoulder, and really, after everything that’s happened, I have no reason to be afraid of a suburban mom. Her gaze is flinty, no bullshit in a way that only makes me vividly aware of the depth of my own bullshit, but I have stared down friends and bullies and Vice Principals. I’ve stared down her son.

ZACH

Ma’am, I am one hundred percent sure.

MRS. NAVARRO

Well then, we have our work cut out for us. Also, despite the awful circumstances, it is nice to finally meet you, Zach.

ZACH

Nice to meet you too.

MR. NAVARRO

Can we talk to Tori?

ZACH

Uh. I should probably, like, warn her first. She might be kinda—she does not have a ton of trust in adults?

MRS. NAVARRO

Well, no wonder.

ZACH

Probably just one of you should talk to her. So it’s not—so she doesn’t feel, like, surrounded, you know?

ZACH NARRATION

They nod seriously, and I try to see them through Tori’s eyes. Which of them would she rather be alone with? Whoever reads as less of a threat. Whoever reads more like, if push came to shove, she could take them in a fight.

Gabe clearly inherited the laser eyes from his mom’s side of the family. Gabe’s dad mostly gives off a kindergarten teacher vibe. I’m pretty sure Gabe told me once he teaches community college, but something in his face makes it easy to picture him herding unruly six-year-olds, nearly overwhelmed by their tears and skinned knees.

Yeah, it’s not a tough decision.

ZACH

You. No offense, but. Definitely Mr. Navarro.

MR. NAVARRO

Anything else we should know?

ZACH

Her brother’s the most important thing in her life, no competition, so if you want to convince her about something, maybe explain how it’s better for Cody?

GABE

Better than living with a drug dealer.

ZACH NARRATION

I almost laugh, I just. I want to hug Gabe again so badly. Inside the drooping sleeves of a jacket that doesn’t belong to me, I curl my hands into fists. If I want to do this right, I’ll need to concentrate.

ZACH

I should—tell her alone, I think.

MR. NAVARRO

Fair enough.

ZACH NARRATION

Part of me is waiting for Gabe’s parents to step in and point out that I am in no way qualified to handle this. Like, it’s important shit, and I’m me. Then Mrs. Navarro gives me a look, like, ‘everything okay?’ and I realize, with the clarity of breaking glass, that while all of that is true, somehow I am still the most qualified person I know.

FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN THE HALLWAY. DOOR OPENS, ZACH SLIPS INSIDE.

ZACH

Whatcha doing?

TORI

Making duct tape flowers. For Prom.

ZACH

(BLURTING OUT) You’re still going?

TORI

Sank so many hours into that friggin dress, I better. What happened? You two disappeared.

ZACH

Long story. (DEEP BREATH) Look—

FX: TORI STUFFING DUCT TAPE AND SCISSORS BACK INTO HER BAG.

TORI

We clear to leave?

ZACH

That’s the thing. I need you to stay calm ‘cause this is not—it’s gonna sound bad, but it isn’t.

TORI

What.

ZACH

Gabe told his parents.

TORI

Shit. Cody, hey, headphones off, we’ve gotta go—

FX: CODY TUGS A PAIR OF HEADPHONES OFF AND SETS THEM ON THE DESK.

CODY

Do we have to?

ZACH

No, we don’t. It’s okay, seriously.

CODY

What happened?

TORI.

Gabe told his parents we’re here.

Cody

The hell?

ZACH

Not just that. Everything, Tori. They want to help.

TORI

(ANGRY SCOFF) Oh, and suddenly we trust these people? We’ve never even met them—

ZACH

Gabe trusts them.

TORI

Oh my god. Your thing with Gabe doesn’t—

ZACH

You know him too. He’s not a liar, and these people raised him—

TORI

What the hell do they think they’re gonna do?

ZACH

They’re serious. They were saying, if you took this to court—

CODY

Are we gonna get arrested? Like, Dad told me if we said anything to the cops, we’d get in trouble for not doing it sooner—Is this one of those times when Dad’s full of shit?

TORI

(HOARSELY) Yeah. Yeah, dude. You’re supposed to run it by me when he does stuff like that—

ZACH

Cody, it’s super illegal to make your kids lie to the police.

TORI

You heard that from Gabe?

ZACH

Who heard it from his mom, who, can we agree, might know more about this than we do?

TORI

I know they broke the law all over the place. But they get away with this shit. It’s what they do.

ZACH

But you’ve got evidence. Also, Gabe’s mom is so angry at your parents, it’s incredible.

CODY

Why. It’s not her problem—

ZACH

I dunno, maybe real estate lawyers and arsonists are natural enemies? Tori. If you told them everything you know, about what your parents have done, not just the fire, but everything—would it be enough to get them put away?

TORI

(IMMEDIATELY) Yeah. No question.

ZACH

Please. Tori, they can fix this.

TORI

No, they can’t.

ZACH

They could make it suck less. This whole thing is so, so shitty, if they can help even a little—like, if they can even make it five percent less awful, isn’t that—

TORI

I don’t like this. (SMALL VOICE) I don’t—they’re gonna hate me.

ZACH

(GENTLY AS POSSIBLE) You’re not really a fan of theirs, either.

TORI

No, I meant—Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. They think they wanna help right now, they think I’m one of their son’s little friends. But if I talk to them—Christ, I wish we could smoke in here. (A BEAT) They’re like, right outside, aren’t they.

ZACH

Yeah.

TORI

So we don’t actually have a choice.

ZACH

If you really, really don’t want to do this…

TORI

No. (TIGHTLY) C’mon, Cody, let’s not keep the nice people waiting.

ZACH

At the very least, no matter what, it can’t be the worst thing that happened to you today.

TORI

On that note.

FX: FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR. DOOR OPENS.

TORI

Uh, hey.

MR. NAVARRO

I know it’s past eleven, but—have you kids eaten?

CODY

(SHREWDLY) Why, what’ve you got?

ZACH NARRATION

I hadn’t thought tonight could get weirder, but in my defense, I had no way to foresee that 11:30 pm would find me at Gabe's kitchen table, watching Tori and Cody devour a pound of cold leftover enchiladas.

I almost wish I’d taken a plate so I’d have something to do, but my stomach hasn't settled since I got the call outside the school. When I think about it, the fire doesn't explain everything, like where Cody’s bike went or why Tori stopped packing a lunch, why the food she brought to school never made any sense. She chooses normal food when she has the luxury.

When Mrs. Navarro walks back into the room, she's got her laptop in her arms.

MR. NAVARRO

Everything alright?

MRS. NAVARRO

Yes. (FX: SHE TAKES A SEAT AT THE TABLE.) First of all, you kids can stay here tonight. That goes for you, too, Zach. We're well past curfew. Just call home so they know you're alright, and Gabriel can set up the trundle.

ZACH NARRATION

I don’t have a curfew, I’m not sure what a trundle is, and there is zero reason to call anyone, but I don’t see the benefit of bringing this up.

I’m not expecting any missed calls, and when I step out into the hallway to check my phone, there aren't any. That much, at least, I can depend on. I take the opportunity to look around instead. There's a big whiteboard hanging next to the door, mostly covered in takeout menus, but also a calendar and, in the center, Gabe's most recent report card: straight A's, except for a B- in U.S. History and a dire warning from Mr. Walker about a "chronic insubordination problem.”

Back when I was an honor roll kid, that B- would have exiled the whole piece of paper somewhere private, but in Gabe's house, it's displayed for the world to see. Hell, from what I know about Mrs. Navarro, the insubordination thing could be a point of pride. When I poke my head back into the kitchen, it's just Tori and Mr. Navarro at the table. They blink up at me.

ZACH

Everything cool?

TORI

It’s fine. Mrs. Navarro and the boys are watching TV in the next room.

ZACH

Yeah. Uh, want me to stick around, or—?

TORI

Go be with your boyfriend.

FX: FOOTSTEPS INTO THE NEXT ROOM. DOOR OPENS, DOOR CLOSES.

HACKY TV COMEDIAN

And guys, guys you always say, like, “I want to date a girl that eats burgers” but you’re lying. You’re lying! (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) ‘Cause a girl who sits down at a nice restaurant and announces to the waiter, (EXTREMELY MASCULINE VOICE) “GIMME SOME MEAT”-- (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) That is not the kind of lady who wants your meat, you know? (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

ZACH (OVERLAPPING WITH THE HACKY TV COMEDIAN)

(DISGUSTED) What're you watching?

GABE

(DISGUSTED) Some comedy thing.

CODY

It's funny.

FX: ZACH SITS ON THE COUCH.

ZACH NARRATION

I’d know Cody picked the channel even if he wasn't right now clutching the remote, because no way would Gabe or his mom choose a stand-up special like this. Cody keeps sneaking glances back up at Mrs. Navarro, almost like he wants her to be mad. Her attention is focused on her computer. From the look on her face, I get the sense she's not exactly playing Solitaire.

As stupid as the show is, I appreciate not having to say anything. I draw up my knees on the couch, lay my cheek against the cool fabric of the armrest. Gabe had moved to make room, but the point of his elbow is at my waist. Our shoulders are pressed together.

Most of the comedian’s routine is about how men want to get laid and women don't. All I can think about is Tori, people giving her shit for supposedly hooking up with me even as they were nodding to me in the hallways, asking about my weekend with significant smiles.

The people who used to talk to me because they thought I was with Tori are the same ones who don't talk to me now because they think I’m with Gabe.

HACKY TV COMEDIAN

And what’s worse, ladies, what is even worse, when you say, (OFFENSIVE IMPRESSION OF A WOMAN) “Oh, I want a guy who’s not afraid to order a salad!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Do you? Do you? That’s not really what you want. There is no woman out there who actually wants a guy who says, (OFFENSIVE IMPRESSION OF A GAY GUY) “Hello, I’ll have the salad? (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Just a bunch of lettuce and vegetables, all lubed up in oil, and piled on top of each other raw, that’s all I need. (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Fabulous!”

FX: TV AUDIENCE: HUGE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HACKY TV COMEDIAN

(OFFENSIVE FEMALE VOICE) “I want a man like that!” No, you don’t! No, you don’t! (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

ZACH (WHISPERS, OVERLAPPING WITH THE ABOVE)

This guy’s totally sexist. And like, homophobic.

GABE

(A LITTLE SURPRISED) Yeah.

HACKY TV COMEDIAN

You know I’m right! You know I’m right!

FX: TV AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING. THE COMEDY ROUTINE CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND AS ZACH AND GABE TALK. I HAVE WRITTEN SOME OF IT AND IT IS TERRIBLE, I AM SO SORRY.

ZACH

He's not even, like, making jokes, he's just—

GABE

Believe me, I know.

ZACH

I can’t even watch a hot sauce commercial now without going, ‘Oh shit, is this racist?’

GABE

If you have to ask...

ZACH

Yeah. Seriously, man, you've ruined TV for me forever. Thanks a lot.

GABE

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

ZACH

That’s a lie. I am the world’s nicest boyfriend, Pumpkin-mint.

GABE

(LAUGHS) Where’d you learn to do those? Did you take a class?

ZACH

The spirit’s gotta move you.

ZACH NARRATION

My arm will fall asleep if I don’t shift it soon. I try to think of some way to rearrange myself that doesn’t involve shoving Gabe away. After about five seconds of hesitation, I drape my arm around Gabe’s shoulders. Gabe leans into it. He must be really tired.

GABE

(SLEEPILY) No, there’s a system. Usually it’s a food and something else. Cookieboots. Honeythumbs. I feel like you called me a strudel once—

CODY

Guys, shh.

GABE

Yeah, quiet. Quiet, Tomatoshirt.

ZACH

(GIGGLING) Wow, that was so bad.

GABE

Sandwichgloves.

ZACH

Worse. Somehow, worse—

GABE

Applepants.

ZACH

Provisional pass, because I’m so nice.

ZACH NARRATION

On TV, the comedian is still doing his impression of a gay dude, tossing his head and mincing around the stage. He holds out one arm, letting the hand flop down and in that single flick of wrist, I feel my last sinew of patience snap.

ZACH

Cody, c’mon dude, something else? Please?

CODY

I’m watching this.

ZACH

Dude, five bucks if you change the channel.

ZACH NARRATION

Cody’s second pick is an infomercial, but I let this slide. In a way, it’s weirdly reassuring to watch all the fruits and vegetables go into the blender and come out transformed.

The demonstration stretches on and on, determined to make the case. I had no idea so many different problems could be solved just by throwing down three easy payments of 29.99. I wish anyone believed in me as much as the smiling host believes in the power of the new and improved motor.

Maybe I can’t turn a pile of carrots and apples into a delicious healthy drink, but I’ve got other strengths. A blender can’t drive or draw pictures that make Leslie smile or get Tori to talk to someone about her problems. Blenders have no sense of humor or taste in music. They’re small and easy to clean, but relatively speaking, so am I.

The host turns to the camera, slicing an orange in half and then stuffing the whole thing into the pitcher, rind and all. I look down to get Gabe’s reaction to this maverick move.

GABE

(SNORING SOFTLY)

ZACH NARRATION

The glasses are sliding off his nose, and I reach with the arm not pinned against Gabe’s back, unsure how to retrieve them. It’s a delicate operation, requiring focus and hand-eye coordination and no sudden movements.

MRS. NAVARRO

Need some help?

ZACH

Gah!

FX: GABE’S GLASSES ARE SET ON AN END TABLE.

FX: THE INFOMERCIAL IS MUTED

MRS. NAVARRO

So. Zach.

ZACH

Uh huh?

MRS. NAVARRO

Gabriel mentioned you like art?

FX: MRS. NAVARRO SITS ON THE OTTOMAN

ZACH

Yeah?

ZACH NARRATION

It’s not so crazy that she would know this, I remind myself. Gabe had said his parents asked a lot of questions in the beginning. For the first time, I wonder how Gabe answered, how it all sounded. He likes art. He used to be in plays. Hopefully not he swears like a sailor, he drinks and smokes pot, all he did last semester was give me a hard time.

MRS. NAVARRO

Have you been to the DIA, uh, the art museum in Detroit?

ZACH

Well, uh, I mean, yeah. We did a—in eighth grade I was in Mural Club, and we had a field trip. To see the, uh, to see the murals. (ZACH IS DYING)

MRS. NAVARRO

Rivera Court, yeah. I’m more of a Frida fan myself, but I hear they’re something.

ZACH

They are.

MRS. NAVARRO

Have you been since then?

ZACH NARRATION

I try not to chart the distance in my head between then and now, but it’s hard to steer my mind away from that mighty canyon.

ZACH

Um. No.

MRS. NAVARRO

Because there’s a pottery exhibit I’ve been wanting to check out. And I think it would be nice for Gabriel to take in those murals. I can’t get him excited about it, but maybe if he had some extra incentive. We’d spring for another ticket if it meant getting him to see some culture. (A LITTLE NERVOUS) You could bring other friends, too. I’m not suggesting, you know, a double date with your boyfriend’s parents, only that we really don’t go downtown enough, considering how close it is—

ZACH

Sure, That would, uh, that would be nice.

MRS. NAVARRO

Well. Good.

ZACH

So, do you like pottery, or—

MRS. NAVARRO

I took some classes. That’s actually how I met Mr. Navarro.

ZACH

Wow, in a pottery class? That’s like, the most seventies thing in the world. Did he have an afro?

MRS. NAVARRO

No, but his hair was longer than mine. My dad was so scandalized. When Gabriel went through his ‘no haircuts’ phase, Dad kept calling it payback.

ZACH

When was this?

MRS. NAVARRO

Middle school, mostly. I’m sorry, if we knew you were coming, we would’ve dug up the old pictures, but they’re in a box somewhere. One of many.

ZACH

That’s okay, I know he wanted to be a cowboy, that’s kind of all I need.

MRS. NAVARRO

But did you know it was his Halloween costume three years in a row?

ZACH

(DELIGHTED) No.

MRS. NAVARRO

I’ll have the photos the next time you come over.

FX: DOOR OPENS

MR. NAVARRO

(REALLY TRYING TO SOUND CALM) Hey hon, can you come in for a sec? We could use your guidance.

ZACH

What’s, is everything—

MR. NAVARRO

It’s alright. But we agreed it’d be good to get some legal advice.

MRS. NAVARRO

Be right back.

FX: THE INFOMERCIAL IS UNMUTED

ZACH NARRATION

The infomercial plays on. The host is feeding an onion into the blender. I get the sense I missed something. I’d ask Cody, except Cody’s asleep on the floor. Fair enough—no matter how hard the kid fronts, at the end of the day, he is eleven.

Anyway, he’s not the only one. Gabe is half-crushing my sternum, heavy but comforting, like the weight of fifty blankets.

The infomercial guy throws some garlic into the pitcher, and then a cup of broth. He must be making soup. Some things are not bottomless, twisty riddles. Some things are simple, exactly how they appear as long as you know what to look for…

FX: BLENDER WHINES. TRANSITION.

FX: THE TV IS TURNED OFF.

TORI

Hey. You awake?

ZACH

No. Where’s—

TORI

Mr. and Mrs. Perfect went to bed. They weren’t sure about waking you guys up, but someone needs to help me carry Cody back.

ZACH

I’m kind of—stuck.

TORI

Shove him off.

ZACH

Hang on, hang on.

FX: ZACH CAREFULLY EXTRICATES HIMSELF.

TORI

Yo, get Cody’s feet, I’ll get the armpits.

ZACH

Is he really gonna sleep through this?

FX: TWO SETS OF CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS.

TORI

C’mon, guest room’s this way. Loser never wakes up. You wouldn’t believe what he’s slept through.

ZACH

Remind me never to kidnap anyone. Way harder than you’d think.

ZACH NARRATION

She doesn’t have a response, and I can’t know what she’s thinking as she backs through another door, but given how hard she’s fought to keep her own hold on this surprisingly heavy bundle of pre-teen attitude and knobby elbows—well, I’ve got some guesses.

ZACH

Sorry.

TORI

Whatever, we got him here in one piece.

FX: THEY DEPOSIT CODY ONTO THE MIDDLE OF A SOFA BED.

TORI

(YAWNS)

FX: TORI FLOPS DOWN ON THE BED AS WELL.

ZACH NARRATION

She doesn’t invite me to sit down, just glances up like it’s been implied forever and I’m weird for standing. Friendliness, Tori-style.

God, I’ve missed her.

ZACH

Uh, how’d it go?

TORI

Oh god. They said so much stuff. And some of it—she wants us to talk to another lawyer before we do anything. Like, great, let’s have this whole conversation again. But you can quit freaking out because we’re not gonna live with Nick.

ZACH

No?

TORI

So it turns out, with foster care, they don’t wanna move you, like, out of the school district if they don’t have to. And Leslie’s foster family is already certified or whatever. We can stay there until we find something else, like, Gabe’s mom already called them about tomorrow. So that’s not, like, terrible?

ZACH

Yeah.

ZACH NARRATION

The speed and magnitude of her about-face is beyond welcome, but also mystifying. I can’t figure out what would’ve changed her mind so fast, and I can’t figure out how to ask.

TORI

Did you know I can adopt Cody? Like, be his guardian.

ZACH

You’ve been his guardian since you were like, nine.

TORI

Damn right. But they were saying for real. Legally.

ZACH

Wouldn’t you have to be way older?

TORI

Turns out the rules are different for siblings. If you can prove your parents aren’t getting the job done, which—Yeah. You have to jump through some stupid hoops, but. Legal guardianship.

ZACH

That’s incredible.

TORI

I made them show me the website, but if it’s a lie, they put a ton of work into it.

ZACH

They’re not liars.

TORI

Whatever.

ZACH

So, was it like, okay?

TORI

It was friggin’ weird. They’re—I told Gabe’s dad a bunch of stuff about the fire and then he kind of like, let me keep talking? And then—uh. (TORI IS ALMOST CRYING)

ZACH

Tori, if something happened, we can leave right now—

TORI

No. It’s not—he’s not, it’s okay. But. So, like, obviously, I gave him the Disney version. Didn’t wanna freak him out.

ZACH

Uh-huh.

TORI

I didn’t lie. But I made sure to mention, like, Cody’s grades, and y’know, people make a big deal about prices, but you can feed two people for forty a month if you’re careful—

ZACH

And if you never buy a lunch.

TORI

Ugh. Knew you were gonna flip out about the food thing. I knew it.

ZACH

Tori, if your parents stopped feeding you, that is so definitely child abuse—

TORI

Well, no, because I’m not a child. I have a job. (DEEP BREATH) Not the point. So he said we should talk to a lawyer and I was like, ‘sure, bring her in,’ and he said. (VOICE FALTERING)

ZACH

What?

TORI

He got up and he turned around, and he said— (SWALLOWS) He said, ‘Well, Tori, you’re a very brave girl and I’m proud of you.’

PAUSE

TORI

(BITING OUT THE WORDS) Who says that, who in real life actually uses those words? What is that? I tell you I’ve shoplifted and you tell me you’re proud of me? Are you stupid? We have one conversation, okay, one, and you decide I’m brave?

You weren’t there, so don’t show up out of nowhere like you’re gonna fix everything with some bullshit about what a good person I am, about how you’re—goddamn—proud of me. ‘You’re a very brave girl,’ fuck you, you don’t know.

ZACH NARRATION

We’re both way overloaded on our quota of hugs for the year, but when I reach out to pat her shoulder, she kind of collapses on me and I fold my arms around her. Tori sobs into my shirt, and even though I was the one crying earlier in the night, I still have no idea how to handle it from this side. She’s so sharp and tough and loud that it seems almost impossible she can fit like this.

TORI

(SOBBING)

ZACH

Be real with me. Are you wiping your nose on my jacket right now?

TORI

Gabe’s jacket. (HALF A SOB) Seriously, who the—who are these people? ‘You’re a very brave girl and I’m proud of you—’

ZACH

Does it ruin the mood if I say I’m proud of you too?

TORI

(MUMBLING) What is these people’s deal?

ZACH

His mom wants us to all go to the DIA together. Like, a bunch of friends and then Gabe’s parents, hanging out.

TORI

Creepy goddamn pod people.‘Oh hey, it’s midnight, welcome to our home, would you like as much food as you can eat? Here, you each get a cloth napkin from this basket of cloth napkins we keep on the table, y’know, because that’s such a normal thing people do.’

ZACH

They’re like a sitcom family. Can’t you picture the jaunty music--

TORI

Sitcoms have conflict. They’re a goddamn Pillsbury commercial. ‘Oh gosh, we’re just so happy to be in the same room together! More crescent rolls, please!’

ZACH

Can’t you just picture his mom pulling a tray of biscuits from the oven—

GABE

Dad’s more the baker of the family. Mom doesn’t have the patience, she burns stuff.

TORI

Wow. How long have you been lurking there so you could bust in like PC Batman?

GABE

Woke up on the couch and heard voices. You left the door open, so I assumed it was okay. Was it? I can go, I just wanted to find Zach to tell him my parents went ahead and set up the trundle, so whenever you want to sleep, you can, but. I can go.

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe gestures behind himself, as if otherwise we’d think he was gonna tunnel out through the floor, and I feel a helpless, crushing fondness, ten times the weight of a head on my chest.

TORI

I have a question for you. Is there any ice cream in this freaky little corner of Pleasantville?

GABE

Ben and Jerry’s?

TORI

That works. And bring spoons.

FX: FOOTSTEPS OUT OF THE ROOM.

ZACH

Tori…

TORI

If I can’t exploit a rich boy’s guilt about all this, why bother?

ZACH

Ice cream after midnight. Breakfast of champions. Breakfast of—shit, people who have school in like, a couple hours.

TORI

Nah, his mom is calling us in absent for first period so we can go back to your place and me and Cody can pack, like overnight bags.

ZACH

But we’re not sick, and we’re not her kids. How’s that gonna work?

TORI

No idea. But they seemed really sure about it.

GABE

Hey.

TORI

Three spoons. C’mon, you’re supposed to be smart.

GABE

Is it the best idea to wake up your brother just so he can—

TORI

Kid’s not waking up without cold water to the head. Three spoons, unless you and Zach wanna share.

GABE

Uh, thanks.

TORI

Yeah, I am like, the Mother Theresa of offering people their own food.

FX: GABE STEPS OUT AGAIN

ZACH

Be nice.

TORI

I am. You’re still wearing his jacket.

ZACH

I—uh. Yeah.

TORI

(ROLLING HER EYES) You guys together for real now?

ZACH

What? Where do you get these notions?

TORI

You mean how he was hardcore cuddling you when I came in? Hardcore.

ZACH

If you could not be an asshole about this, that’d be--

GABE

Three spoons.

TORI

Thank you. Zach, make some room.

FX: SCOOTING, SHUFFLING; MAKING ROOM & SETTLING IN. A LID IS PRIED OFF. SPOONS ARE SHOVED INTO ICE CREAM. THEY EAT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.

ZACH

Is this what slumber parties are like?

GABE

Not sure. Never been.

ZACH

Tori! You had friends in middle school! Tell us about slumber parties!

TORI

Sorry, can’t help you. Figured if I went, the kids would expect me to have them over, too, and that shit wasn’t happening.

GABE

Oh my god. Oh my god. They did it for the insurance money.

TORI

Yeah?

GABE

Tori, your parents are literally Scooby Doo villains.

TORI

Holy shit. They are. Oh my god. (LAUGHS) Shit.

ZACH

And they would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids—

GABE

And your little brother, too.

ZACH

That’s what I was gonna say! High five, dude.

FX: A HIGH FIVE

ZACH

Jinx.

TORI

(RAGGED LAUGHING) Jinkies.

GABE

No, no, I wanna be Velma. She was the only one with any sense.

TORI

No way, man. You are one hundred percent Freddie. ‘Hey gang!’ That’s you. ‘Hey gang, let’s go solve a mystery!’ Now come on. There is so much bad decision left in here.

ZACH NARRATION

When the ice cream is gone, Tori is swaying even sitting down.

TORI

(YAWN)

ZACH

Maybe sleep, dude? And maybe, just spitballing here, take off your boots first?

TORI

(MUMBLING) Not the boss of me. And get the lights.

ZACH

That’s our cue, I think.

FX: FX: ZACH AND GABE CLIMB OFF THE BED AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY.

ZACH

Uh. So, like, where’m I sleeping?

GABE

C’mon.

ZACH NARRATION

I follow him out of the kitchen and down the hallway, up the stairs and into his room.

ZACH

(CONFUSED) There’s two beds. There was one before.

GABE

Yeah. That’s—the trundle bed’s collapsible, it’s stored under my bed in case there’s company, and then it, y’know, uncollapses.

ZACH

Your parents put us in the same room.

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe rests his hands on top of his head, like he’s just run a few miles, and I belatedly look away from the sliver of skin above the waistband of his pajama pants. I drag my eyes back to Gabe’s face, to the wince underway there.

GABE

If it’s a problem, you can sleep on the couch. Or I can, or—

ZACH

No. It’s fine.

GABE

You’re clearly not okay with it.

ZACH

I don’t have a problem. I’m tired enough to sleep in a pile of hay. But like, your parents think we’re dating. Why would they put us in the same room?

GABE

Uh. Maybe they assumed we wouldn’t use tonight as an opportunity to get into each other’s pants?

ZACH

Whoa, man. Just saying, they don’t know me—

GABE

They trust my judgment, and anyway.

ZACH

What?

GABE

It’s gonna bother you.

ZACH

Oh great, in that case, let’s go ahead and keep it really really vague so I can stay up all night wondering what that could mean.

GABE

I think they already think we’re sleeping together, so.

ZACH

(HORRIFIED) Oh my god. Did they, like, talk to you about it?

GABE

Not directly. They just, uh, made a point of giving me the birds and the bees talk. Or, you know, four different iterations of that talk, four nights in a row.

ZACH NARRATION

The day I turned thirteen, I found a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves on the floor of my room. That’s the closest my parents ever got to discussing this shit. Or, I’ve always assumed the book came from my parents. It could’ve been some helpful folklore creature. The Sex Ed Goblin.

Talking about it with the people who taught me to ride a bike and used to drive me home from play rehearsals—it’s unthinkable.

ZACH

Gabe, I am so, so sorry if you had to hear your parents say ‘condom.’

GABE

(NOT REALLY FREAKED OUT) It wasn’t all about safe sex, it was relationship stuff, too. Communication.

ZACH

So it wasn’t terrible?

GABE

Oh, it was. It absolutely was. My dad made a printed handout with vocabulary terms.

ZACH

Yeesh.

GABE

Yeesh, for sure.

ZACH

How have they not chased me out of here with a shotgun.

GABE

Does all your information about families come from sitcoms?

ZACH

Um. Huh.

GABE

They trust me. And from their point of view we’ve been dating for more than two months. Did they imply they had a problem with you?

ZACH

No? Actually, your mom invited me to the art museum?

GABE

Oh, I know. She’s been after me about it for weeks. Sometimes, when she gets an idea in her head, she just—

ZACH

Oh my god, you are so her kid.

GABE

(PLEASED) Thanks. (HE YAWNS) What time is it?

ZACH

You don’t wanna know. We’re gonna be, like disgustingly tired tomorrow.

GABE

Mind if I turn the lights off?

ZACH

Go ahead.

FX: CLICK

ZACH NARRATION

The only illumination is the blue glow of a digital alarm clock. I can just barely follow the motion as Gabe walks to the dresser and takes off his glasses, leaves them folded on a stack of what’s probably books.

GABE

Want to borrow something to sleep in?

ZACH

My jeans are loose enough, it’s not that bad. Besides, I’d swim in anything of yours. Maybe a T-shirt if you’ve got one?

GABE

Pretty sure I own a T-shirt.

ZACH NARRATION

I don’t even bother unzipping the jacket, just wrestle it off over my head. My own shirt sticks to the fleece, damp in places, and I pull at that, too. I can’t imagine anything better in this moment than clean, dry cotton. When I finally free myself—it takes way too long, really I should’ve unzipped that jacket—Gabe is turning around with a shirt in one hand.

GABE

Here, found a—um.

ZACH NARRATION

Only then do I remember that given Gabe’s hangups about seeing people in their boxers, it probably would’ve been more polite to change in the bathroom.

ZACH

Thanks.

ZACH NARRATION

My doubts are confirmed because Gabe surrenders the shirt and turns away at roughly the speed of light. I pull it on. The fabric is worn and very soft. I crawl under the covers. Tomorrow, I think, I will have time to feel properly humiliated.

Tomorrow.

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

This episode features—

MATTHEW

Matthew Sabido as Zach

CHRIS

Chris Rivera as Gabe

ISHANI

Ishani Kanetkar as Tori

GREG Greg Vinciguerra as Cody

LW

LW Salinas as Mrs Navarro

MIKE

Mike Martinez as Mr. Navarro

DONALD

Donald Sutton as the Hacky Comedian

RACHEL Directed by Rachel Mackenzie Kellum

MICHAELA

Production Coordination by Michaela Whatnall

REBECCA

Audio mixing by Rebecca Lynn

JESSICA Written by Jessica Best

Zach's narration music is written, performed, and produced by Chiron Star.

KAY And I've been Kay Watson, your morning announcements. Thank you, and have a great day, Columbus High!