Keep It Steady 11

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Good morning, Columbus High students. Today is Friday, May 19th, 2006 and these are your morning announcements.

Sean Tibbitts’s book group and Shane’s anarchist knitting circle will be meeting over the summer, in neighboring rooms B10 and B11, to hilarious results? We’ll see.

Senior choir auditions are this Monday; if you need help picking a song, please see Avi. Or you could do what Heather did and sing all of “Welcome to the Black Parade,” four months before the song even came out. Wow.

And finally, could Abl Belle please report to the office and return the janitor’s keys? Please? Wishing juniors and seniors a fun and safe Prom tomorrow. Go Comets!

ZACH NARRATION

I wake up with sunlight sifting straight into my face. It’s only when I notice the unfamiliar sheets that I start to piece last night back together.

Holy shit, Tori and Cody. I’m bolting out of bed before I remember I have no plan on how to help or what in the world I’m gonna say, only that I should be downstairs and—why is my shirt so loose and soft?

Oh, right.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and look around the empty room, telling myself it’s gonna be fine.

Also, I’m really, really hungry.

Maybe I can slip out and grab some McDonald’s for me and Tori and Cody, I think, creeping down the stairs.

In proper lighting, the hallway looks ridiculously wholesome, from the artsy framed photos of clay pots to the overflowing tangle of shoes by the door. The smell puts it over the top, though: garlic and onions, shimmery and golden and somehow managing to make me more hungry. I sniff the air, trying to find the source, before I realize it’s stronger the closer I stand to the kitchen.

Cooking. In retrospect this did not require, like, stellar detective work.

FX: ONIONS FRYING IN A PAN.

ZACH

(TO HIMSELF) Jinkies.

GABE

What?

ZACH

(SURPRISED NOISE)

ZACH NARRATION

I have about a quarter of a heart attack, although of course it’s Gabe’s house and he’s free to hang out soundlessly by the stove whenever he pleases.

Also, maybe Gabe wasn’t being totally silent. Maybe the hiss of frying onions was noticeable from down the hall and I just failed to pick it up because I didn’t know how onions sound, and also I still feel raw and bruised behind the eyes from sleeplessness.

FX: ONIONS FRYING

ZACH

Uh, good morning. Have you seen Tori?

GABE

Morning. She and my dad went to pick up the rest of her stuff from your house. Uh, do you want to sit down?

FX: ZACH SITS IN A SWIVEL CHAIR AND IMMEDIATELY BEGINS TO SWIVEL BACK AND FORTH

ZACH

What are you making?

GABE

(YAWNING) Frittata. Anything you don’t eat?

ZACH

Uh, pennies? Not kidding. I'll eat pretty much anything. I mean, I'm not wild about cantaloupe, but.

GABE

(AMUSED) Nobody is wild about cantaloupe. Anything Tori or Cody don’t like?

FX: ZACH CONTINUES TO SWIVEL

ZACH

Nothing I know of. Honestly, Cody might eat pennies. Where is that kid anyway?

GABE

Sleeping.

FX: GABE ADDS DICED PEPPERS TO THE PAN, WHICH HISSES.

ZACH

Indestructible.

GABE

Luckily.

ZACH NARRATION

I sit there wondering how messed up it would be to say, ‘Hey, after our fake relationship ends, could I call you sometimes and ask you to be mad about stuff I’m mad about?’ Just Gabe’s voice in my ear late at night, sleepy and righteous and—I need to pull myself back together.

ZACH

I’d offer to help, but my main cooking skill is melting Tupperware.

GABE

Can you break eggs into a bowl and whisk them?

ZACH

Uh. I...genuinely don’t know?

FX: TRANSITION

TORI

Hey, catch! (TORI THROWS A SHIRT AT ZACH, WHO DROPS IT.) Brought you a shirt. (SNIFFS THE AIR) Did Zach cook something?

GABE

He did.

ZACH

Co-cooked. If that. I just crushed some eggs into a bowl and fished out most of the shell pieces, Gabe did the real work—

TORI

Ugh. Gonna go wake up my brother, try to be less gross when I get back.

ZACH NARRATION

Breakfast is surreal for how normal it all feels compared to yesterday, sitting around the kitchen table in daylight hours. The eggs turned out well. Predictably, Cody eats three helpings, doused in ketchup and hot sauce because his taste buds are as indestructible as his spirit.

Mr. Navarro keeps complimenting the food in more and more elaborate ways, which at first seems nice, and then over the top, and then I realize it's mostly about embarrassing Gabe in front of the supposed boyfriend. Gabe plays the part well, slumping in his chair like he wants to die.

Before they leave, Mr. Navarro insists on giving Gabe a big hug, but weirdly, that doesn’t seem to bother him at all.

The temptation to be just slightly truant proves too great, and we make a stop on the way for coffee—or in Gabe’s case, cider. I pay. Gabe doesn't put any effort into protesting, just sits there in the back of the van, sleepily blowing steam away from the lid. On some level, I like the symmetry of it: our first full day of fake dating and the last bracketed by an overpriced cup of too-hot apple juice.

Still, the coffee does not do its job. My awareness drifts in and out of focus for the rest of the school day, like my brain is a radio and a stranger is working the dial, until Leslie and I are watching the clock tick down to the end of World Myth.

Her sweater is covered with little skulls, and the little skulls have little googly eyes glued on them.

ZACH

If you did a cartwheel, could you make your shirt roll its eyes?

LESLIE

That’s definitely the best reason I’ve ever heard to learn cartwheels.

ZACH

I could teach you.

LESLIE

This summer. You’re gonna teach me cartwheels, and I’m gonna grow tomatoes.

ZACH NARRATION

It’s a tossed off comment, like there’s no question we’ll hang out, and I realize that the end of my sham relationship with Gabe doesn’t mean the end of talking to Leslie, who will still be there on Monday, recommending poems and playing Screw Marry Kill to win. I’m not sure if this would be overwhelming on a full night’s sleep, but as it is, I’m touched.

FX: THE BELL RINGS

ZACH NARRATION

Touched, but still an asshole.

ZACH

Have fun whispering sweet nothings with your lady-love.

LESLIE

Oh my god. This isn’t even the pot calling the kettle black, this is the pot calling the kettle a pot. Are you guys gonna get married right after graduation? Be one of those high school sweetheart couples?

ZACH

I don't think you need to worry about that.

ZACH NARRATION

The trip from World Myth to Ms. Cook's does not exactly pass Mr. Brown's office, but it doesn't not-pass it. I don’t mean to go inside—I’ve only got a few minutes before the social justice club meeting, and anyway, there's no need. Ponni hasn't bugged me about therapy since that one time in the school library. It's not a visit, it's a drive-by. Andy made the dude sound so mysterious, who can blame me for wanting a glimpse of the tortoise in the wild?

Or the tortoise's closed door, because it turns out the school counselor's office has no windows. Privacy. It makes sense. If I was having a breakdown, I wouldn't want a bunch of rubberneckers, either.

FX: HALLWAY DIN

MR. BROWN

Can I help you?

ZACH

Mr. Brown! Uh, I wasn't creeping outside your room or anything, I—

MR. BROWN

You're Zach, right?

ZACH

The black eye's pretty distinctive, huh?

MR. BROWN

Did you want to step inside for a minute? All this background noise is hard on an old man's hearing.

ZACH

D’you have candy?

MR. BROWN

You think I'm new to this?

FX: MR. BROWN UNLOCKS HIS DOOR AND THEY STEP INSIDE.

ZACH NARRATION

I know enough not to be surprised that there's no couch like in the movies, but the room is comically small.

ZACH

Nice to see the school takes our issues so seriously.

MR. BROWN

I’m five five, I have simple needs. (FX: HE MANUEVERS AROUND THE TINY ROOM AND SITS IN HIS DESK) So, do you want to talk about it?

ZACH

Being short? Yeah, d’you ever have to, like, climb up on your counter to reach stuff?

MR. BROWN

I’d recommend a step stool. You know, I’d been hoping you’d meet with me at some point, Zach.

ZACH NARRATION

And just like that, the room goes from small to suffocating. My hands tighten on my backpack. When is it okay to ask for my candy and run?

ZACH

I’m not here to talk-talk, you don’t need to—I don’t have, like, problems—

MR. BROWN

In that case, you are a very, very lucky person.

ZACH

No, okay obviously I have problems, but it’s not stuff you can do anything about. I don’t have—Therapy problems.

MR. BROWN

Therapy problems.

ZACH

(SIGHING) I don’t hear voices. I don’t wanna kill myself. I’m not, y’know, crazy?

ZACH NARRATION

I think of Ponni sitting in this plastic chair, confiding all her ‘weird head business.’

ZACH

No offense to—mentally ill people, I don’t have a problem with—

ZACH NARRATION

It sounds like how some of the guys in my class talk about gay dudes. ‘Hey, doesn’t bother me, as long as they stay far away.’

ZACH

I just—I’m not—

MR. BROWN

Okay.

ZACH

Okay?

MR. BROWN

If you don’t think working with me is the right move, that’s up to you.

ZACH

Thanks.

FX: ZACH STANDS

ZACH NARRATION

I shove down the tireless contrary part of myself that maybe wanted to fight about it, that wanted Mr. Brown not to give up, to keep making the case.

MR. BROWN

Some Starbursts for the road?

FX: ZACH GRABS AN ENORMOUS HANDFUL OF STARBURSTS FROM THE BOWL.

MR. BROWN

One thing. You know how sometimes you go to the doctor even when it’s not cancer?

ZACH

Yeah?

MR. BROWN

Or how people take medicine for a cold, so it doesn’t get worse? Or how you don’t say someone is weak for catching the flu? I’ve never gotten why we hold our brains to such a different standard than our bodies. That’s all.

ZACH

That’s—it’s totally different. Nobody gets sick because they have, like, a selfish kidney or lungs that take everything too personally, or blood that never learns to stop getting its hopes up—

MR. BROWN

Cells and chemicals. Nobody really understands how the brain works, so I figure, why not treat the colds, so to speak? What’s the risk, that we feel too okay?

ZACH

Uh. The risk is I’d totally waste your time?

MR. BROWN

Do you think there’s a chance it would help to talk to someone about the bullying?

ZACH

It’s—kind of a long story?

Kind of a really, really long story?

MR. BROWN

This is literally what the school pays me to do.

ZACH NARRATION

There’s parts of it I never even told Tori, because she was there and I didn’t need to, or because I can only imagine how much she’d make fun of me. There is a certain appeal in coming clean to someone who doesn’t have Tori’s biases. If I started from the beginning and told the whole saga, Mr. Brown wouldn’t shrug and call Gabe a douchebag. He probably wouldn’t call me a loser, either. That’s not his vibe.

Also, I would love to see someone react to some of this shit.

ZACH

Uh, how good are you at keeping secrets?

MR. BROWN

That depends. If it affects your immediate safety, or the safety of another person, I’d—

ZACH

Oh, no, dude, nothing like that. Definitely not life or death.

MR. BROWN

Well, in that case, not to toot my own horn, but— (SINGS) toot toot tootle-oot toot. So—is next Tuesday after school good?

ZACH

Yeah. Look, I kinda have to be at this thing right now—

MR. BROWN

Want me to write you a pass?

ZACH

Nah, I’ve got that covered.

ZACH NARRATION

Andy looks up when I slip into the room.

FX: SOCIAL JUSTICE CLUB BABBLE

ANDY

Late, late, laaaate. What do you have to say for yourself?

FX: ENORMOUS HANDFUL OF STARBURSTS RUSTLING

ZACH

Who wants candy?

TRANSITION

GABE

Look. (FX TWO CAR DOORS OPEN, THEY CLIMB INSIDE THE CAR, THE CAR DOORS CLOSE.) About what happened in the meeting—

ZACH

Why? What happened?

GABE

Were you paying attention? Like, at all?

FX: SEATBELTS BUCKLE

ZACH

I never have before. Why would I start today?

GABE

(SIGHS)

FX: VAN STARTS UP.

ZACH NARRATION

I’d been bracing for a fight. Maybe kind of hoping for one, too. When this is all over, we won't be going back to our old normal—me provoking and Gabe sometimes, thrillingly, failing to rise above it. New normal won't be us fighting. New normal won't be anything.

FX: DRIVING SOUNDS

ZACH

What'd I miss? At the meeting. (PAUSE) Are you giving me, like, an incredulous look right now? Because I can't see. Because I'm driving.

GABE

If you didn't care enough to listen before, why are you suddenly interested now?

ZACH

Dude, I zone out at everything. I will zone out at my own funeral. Or—okay, bad example. If I ever get married, I will zone out at my wedding. Definitely next year at graduation—

GABE

It was about meeting with the superintendent this afternoon.

ZACH

This afternoon?

GABE

Krista got a call today immediately after school. It was the superintendent's receptionist, letting us know the only available timeslot before the summer was at 4.

ZACH

Four today.

GABE

Yeah.

ZACH

Well, that's a ratshit move.

GABE

Yeah. So we did some emergency planning and they're heading over to meet with him now. Ponni, Leslie, Krista, and Molly.

ZACH

Molly?

GABE

She volunteered.

ZACH

Not you?

GABE

(SIGHS) I'm worn out. I don't trust myself to stay calm, and if I get upset, that's a liability we don't need. I just—

ZACH

No. That makes sense. Also, if anyone mentions you're there on behalf of your boyfriend, when we break up, it's the same problem as before.

GABE

That's true.

ZACH

Which, uh, actually reminds me, like. We need to figure out what we're telling people on Monday, why we broke up. Really, we should've planned this way earlier.

GABE

We've had other things to worry about. And, uh, what do you think would be the most convincing?

ZACH

Maybe we could say you wanted more time to focus on your studies—

GABE

No. Come on. Half my friends already give me grief about focusing on my studies too much—

ZACH

Fine. Your turn.

GABE

You realized you liked somebody else.

ZACH

Who?

GABE

Does it matter?

ZACH

The hell. Who leaves their boyfriend for some random person who doesn't even like them back? We'll just tell them you weren't ready to get serious—

GABE

Have you met me.

ZACH

We really should've built some problems into this pretend relationship. Maybe if we acted like you got tired of my bullshit—

GABE

Why does the breakup have to be my fault?

ZACH NARRATION

Because I am really relying on my friends' sympathy to get me through this, and that goes out the window if I’m the one who walks out. Because the idea of me somehow, improbably catching hold of Gabe’s affections and then throwing it all away is ludicrous.

ZACH

Fine. We broke up because I was stealing from you. Because a witch's curse removed my ability to love. Because it turned out I wasn’t a person at all, just a swarm of sentient bees in a trenchcoat.

GABE

Can you please—

ZACH

I made the last two serious suggestions anyway. So if you've got something—

GABE

We could always. We could always just—say it's too painful to talk about, when people ask.

ZACH NARRATION

It's simple. It's elegant. It doesn't force our friends to take sides. Nobody's cheating or stealing or bees.

GABE

Do you like it?

ZACH

I like it.

FX: CAR STOPS

ZACH NARRATION

When I get back home, I don’t even bother to take my jeans off before flopping into bed. It feels like I could sleep through my entire senior year if I wasn't careful, which means I’m thinking I should probably go ahead and set an alarm for tomorrow night. My last thought before I nod off is to congratulate myself on having such foresight.

FX: SNORING. BIRDS SINGING OUTSIDE

TORI

Zach. Zach. Zachary.

ZACH

Huh?

TORI

Your phone's out of battery. I tried calling twice, and then I let myself in.

FX: COVERS ARE THROWN OFF

ZACH

Oh shit, is it prom yet?

TORI

Saturday morning. I'm here for my dress?

ZACH

Yeah.

FX: BIRDSONG CONTINUES. TORI GATHERS UP HER DRESS.

ZACH

Hey, how was it at la casa de Leslie?

TORI

Loud. I'm sharing a room with a five-year-old. Her hobbies are yelling and smearing grape jelly on all my shit.

ZACH

Watch out for ants, dude.

TORI

I know. And oh my god, it's so dumb. The parents, they make you, like, tell them before you leave the house. Every single time. Like we're in school or something.

ZACH

So, are you guys gonna stay, or—

TORI

(“OBVIOUSLY”) Well, yeah.

ZACH

And you're okay?

TORI

(SIGHS) I—yeah. I mean, I keep thinking of things I should've saved from the fire, like, waking up in the middle of the night, 'Damn, why didn't I think to grab that?' It would've taken ten extra seconds to—god, there’s so much stuff I could've sold on eBay. Heirlooms and shit.

I should get going. Krista’s waiting outside.

ZACH

Yeah.

TORI

You need help with your tux or anything?

ZACH

I'm seventeen. Why can't you take it on faith that I can dress myself?

TORI

'Cause you've never shown signs of it yet. Why don't you ever wear that shirt?

ZACH

Too bright.

TORI

(FLATLY)

It's a muted green.

ZACH

Searing my eyeballs.

TORI

Someday I will help you find the courage to wear an actual color. Hey, don't forget about Halo 2 this Sunday. This five-year-old demon baby is making me wanna shoot something. Like, more than usual.

ZACH

Won't. See you in, like, seven hours, I guess—

FX: TORI’S FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

TORI

Six and a half, yeah. (FX: FOOTSTEPS PAUSE) Hey, are you ready?

ZACH

For what?

TORI

Oh, y'know, the most magical night of our goddamn lives.

ZACH NARRATION

As far as I’m concerned, tuxedos are a conspiracy designed to make grown men question their ability to dress themselves. I’m just proud of myself for remembering black socks go with black pants. Trying to tie a tie, however, feels like failing a spatial reasoning puzzle.

The clock is telling me I’ve got about five minutes if I don’t want to be late for Ponni’s, and I finally give up and drape the thing around my neck. Presumably I know at least one person better at this shit than me. It's almost impossible to imagine otherwise. I step back and study the rest of my reflection. The bruise has faded, but it's noticeable up close and definitely does not make me look like James Bond. My hair is a mess because my hair is always a mess.

The suit has done nothing but hang in my closet since my uncle's second wedding, so it's not wrinkled or anything. It's weird to put on something I know I haven’t worn in a year. Ironclad evidence I haven’t gotten even slightly taller. I flop my arms around, trying to get used to the feel of the jacket.

Even though I’m the exact same size as before, the suit seems to hang better on me somehow. Maybe it’s just how I’m holding my shoulders. Back at my uncle's wedding, all I’d wanted to do was disappear. A week of not wanting to give people the option of looking away from my black eye has forced me to learn to stand straighter.

Tori said I was afraid to wear colors. I can’t get that out of my head. After everything else, is that really where I draw the line? The canvas sneakers I covered in flowers all those weeks ago I find kicked to the back of my closet. They’re a wash of technicolor. Next to my black dress shoes, they look almost rebellious. Good enough.

ZACH

(TO HIMSELF) Style tip. Get the shit beaten out of you, and then get pissed off about it. (A BEAT) Okay. Okay. Keys, wallet, phone.

FX: ZACH STEPS OUT OF HIS ROOM AND INTO THE KITCHEN.

ZACH

Let’s do this.

ZACH’S MOM

Zach?

ZACH NARRATION

Oh, shit. I turn around slowly.

Mom must've just gotten in from a run, because she's wearing jogging clothes.

ZACH’S MOM

Why are you dressed like that?

ZACH

Prom. Remember, you left me money for a ticket?

ZACH NARRATION

She has to remember this, but she won't stop looking at me. It's like she can't get over the surprise of seeing me in a suit of my own free will. I wonder what she thought I was planning to actually use the money for. Hosting a keg party. Starting up a meth lab.

ZACH’S MOM

(AWKWARD) Who are you going with?

FX: ZACH’S KEYS SLIDE OUT OF HIS HANDS AND LAND ON THE COUNTER.

ZACH

(STAMMERING) Uh, you wouldn't know them.

ZACH’S MOM

Your…girlfriend?

ZACH

Who?

ZACH’S MOM

The, uh, the sullen girl with all the eye makeup—

ZACH NARRATION

That can only mean one person, but it snags at me to hear someone talk about Tori that way. I eye the clock above the oven and yeah, I am officially late because my mom chose today of all days to go for some kind of Hallmark moment.

ZACH

She's not my girlfriend.

ZACH’S MOM

(KNOWINGLY) Come on, she's over here all the time.

ZACH

(SUDDENLY FURIOUS) Actually, actually, if you're curious or something, I'm going with—you’ve met his mom. Gabe Navarro. My boyfriend?

ZACH’S MOM

Oh. Um. Are you—

ZACH

Dating a guy? Yeah.

ZACH’S MOM

How, uh. How long have you known you were—?

ZACH

Bisexual? A long time. Like, years.

ZACH’S MOM

(SOFTLY) Oh sweetie.

ZACH NARRATION

She takes a step forward, and she’s covered in sweat, which means if she hugs me I’ll have to change and it'll make me even later, but I can make it work, I think, I’ll find a way.

ZACH’S MOM

Is that why—

ZACH

(CHOKED UP) What, Mom?

ZACH’S MOM

Is that why your grades—

ZACH

(LOUDLY) Wow. Wow. God, why I am surprised?

ZACH’S MOM

I only meant—

ZACH

(FURIOUS) No, trust me, I get what you meant. I tell you something like that, I come in here with a bruise on my face, but hey, let's talk about my ninth grade GPA. Like, priorities, right?

ZACH’S MOM

What’s. Is that a black eye?

ZACH

It’s been there since Monday.

ZACH’S MOM

Don’t use that tone, I haven’t seen you. What happened?

ZACH

No. No, you know what? I think this all works way better when we just don't talk to each other. We had a system, and it was going great, so let's forget this happened, and—

FX: AS HE TALKS, ZACH CROSSES THE KITCHEN.

ZACH’S MOM

Do you—

ZACH NARRATION

When I turn around, she’s still standing in the middle of the tile floor, sweating from her run. It must be windy out, because her hair is sticking up in every direction.

We’ve always had the same hair.

ZACH’S MOM

Do you want me to get your tie for you?

ZACH

No thanks, I’ve kinda learned to rely on other people.

FX: ZACH WHISKS OPEN THE DOOR.

ZACH’S MOM

Wait—

ZACH

What.

ZACH’S MOM

Your keys.

ZACH NARRATION

They're sitting where I left them on the kitchen counter. I stalk over, grab them, and do what I should've done the second I heard her voice: I flee.

FX: VAN DOOR OPENS. ZACH CLIMBS IN. VAN DOOR SHUTS.

FX: ZACH STABS HIS KEYS NEAR THE IGNITION, BUT NOT INTO IT. HE TRIES AND FAILS TWO MORE TIMES.

ZACH NARRATION

I can remember a lot of Driver’s Ed videos about how it’s a bad idea to drive when you’re drunk or tired. It's probably also a bad idea to drive when your hands aren’t steady enough to fit the key into the ignition.

I hate feeling like this much of a chump: for getting all worked up, for raising my voice, for ruining my own exit like that, for turning down her help with my damn tie. I had the option of not rolling up all sloppy and unprepared and begging favors when I’m already late—

It's a necktie, I remind myself, it's not a national tragedy. Ponni’s boyfriend Horace goes to Catholic school; surely a half-Windsor or whatever is nothing to a dude who wears a tie every day, and builds robots for fun. Horace will fix it, Andy will joke about helpless white boys the whole time, and then Ponni will make a pun about tuxes, somehow, and who even knows what Leslie will be wearing, and then Gabe—

FX: ZACH SUCCESSFULLY GETS THE KEY IN THE IGNITION, REVERSES, AND BACKS OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY. HE TURNS ON THE CD PLAYER, WHICH PLAYS THE SONG.

ZACH

(MUTTERING) The most magical night of our goddamn lives. (DEEP BREATH) Alright, let the magic begin.

ZACH NARRATION

When I walk into Ponni’s living room, she lifts her head from the depths of the couch and waves her cane like an old-timey auctioneer. Someone has fastened a bunch of flowers around the handle, which is to say, even Ponni's cane is better-dressed than me. Horace has a matching bunch of flowers pinned to his jacket. His tie is, of course, impeccable.

PONNI

Zach! Guys, Horace, look who’s here!

ANDY

What’s up, Zach?

PONNI

Great shoes.

HORACE

Good to meet you, Zach. I’m Horace.

ZACH

Nice to meet you. Hey, uh, can I get some help with—?

TORI

Hi to you, too.

ZACH NARRATION

Tori gives me an odd look, and I realize it might be traditional to say hi to the person you're supposedly dating first.

I cast around for Gabe, tucked into a smaller couch with Krista and Leslie. Judging from their posture, which is about half sitting, half football huddle, they'd been discussing Serious Issues before my big entrance. Leslie is wearing a powder blue tux. What a cool kid.

ZACH

Hey.

GABE

Hey. So, uh.

ZACH

Sorry I’m so late.

LESLIE

Andy’s girlfriend’s later than you. The one who quote ‘goes to a different school’, unquote.

ANDY

(LAUGHING) Why does nobody give Ponni shit about this? She’s in the exact same situation—

HORACE

Except I exist.

PONNI

He does! It’s one of his best qualities.

ANDY

I am telling you guys, my girlfriend exists, okay? If Ashley’s not real, who have I been making out with all this time—

ZACH NARRATION

The suggestions fly fast and loud, too much for me to follow. I know, because Andy does not stop talking about her if the subject comes up, that half the group has met this girl. Their skepticism is clearly an inside joke from before my time. It’s not a game I can play.

GABE

You look nice.

ZACH NARRATION

He says it so dutifully, he could be reading it from a card. It’s windy enough outside that if anything, the trip from my van to the door made my hair worse. My tie is draped limply around my neck like a feather boa that gave up. But Gabe is right; this is what a person says to their prom date. It’s as if we’re trapped in a scripted scene, or a cuckoo clock—there’s a path to follow, lines spinning on gears beyond our control.

ZACH

(DUTIFULLY) Thanks, you too.

GABE

I can get that for you. The tie.

ZACH

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe unfolds himself from the couch, looking somehow taller than usual in his suit. He also looks deeply uncomfortable—he keeps tugging at the ends of his sleeves and hunching his shoulders and shifting around like somebody’s cat shoved into a doll’s sweater. It’s reassuring on some level that I am not the only person who hasn’t gotten the hang of the whole tux thing.

I let myself be steered into better light, and stand as still as I can with Gabe this intent on me. Or intent on my clothes, but my nerves can’t tell the difference. We aren’t touching but I can sense it, the fingers tugging gently at my collar. There’s a moment where I looks up and Gabe is holding one end of the tie in each hand, lips parted in concentration, and I think, ‘If we were doing this for real, this is where I’d kiss you,’ and then Gabe’s eyes flicker up and I have to look away.

GABE

Can you, uh, lift your chin. Can’t quite see what I’m—

ZACH

Yeah.

FX: GABE TRIES TO TIE THE TIE AND DOES NOT SUCCEED.

GABE

I only learned how to do this yesterday.

ZACH NARRATION

I could pretend I was annoyed, but the truth is, standing here is a lot easier than diving into the party and doing my best impression of a person whose life is going great. I wish I’d never mentioned Gabe to my mom. If I was going to blow up at her, I could’ve found another way to say I was bi. There was no reason to sully my sham relationship by dragging it into this mess.

GABE

(SIGHS) You can look down again, it didn’t help.

ZACH

Take your time.

GABE

Maybe if—

FX: GABE ATTEMPTS AGAIN TO TIE THE TIE.

GABE

Ha! Oh, oops, nevermind. (A BEAT) Everything okay? Your eyes are kind of red.

ZACH

No. It’s, uh—I kinda, came out to my mom and it didn’t—It could’ve gone worse, but it didn’t go, like, awesome either, so—

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe lets the tie drop, whatever progress he’d made slipping into the ether.

GABE

Why? Do you need a place to stay?

ZACH

No. I’m not disowned. I mean, really, nothing’s changed, but like. (CHOKED UP) Nothing’s changed. She asked if that’s why I flunked.

GABE

Holy shit.

Anything I can. Of course, it’s not like there’s anything I can do to make it better, but —

ZACH

Man, I dunno. Another hug?

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe is a quick learner, I think, watching him step forward, arms out. On Thursday, he started out so hyper-cautious, it was like being held by a shy ghost. A good hug takes commitment. Maybe it’s not surprising then, that Gabe got the hang of it so quickly, how to judge the correct amount of pressure, tucked snug against each other. Even getting a faceful of dress shirt doesn’t totally ruin it.

ZACH

Not everyone is your parents, y’know?

GABE

Not everyone is your parents, either.

ZACH

Statistically, you’re right.

GABE

Have you ever thought about, maybe therapy or something, because that is not—that’s not a reasonable reaction—

ZACH

(LAUGHS A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY) Way ahead of you. That’s, um, why I was late yesterday, I wound up, like, making an appointment with Mr. Brown.

GABE

That’s good. That’s—really smart. Everything I’ve heard about your family—

ZACH

Oh, not for that.

GABE

Yeah, your self-esteem issues?

ZACH

My what?

GABE

Okay. Something else, then.

ZACH

I don’t have low self-esteem. I’ve read the pamphlet about it in the nurse’s office—

GABE

Zach, that pamphlet was written in the Reagan administration. Nobody knew anything back then. They elected Reagan.

ANDY

What’re you two doing over there?

ZACH

Practicing our slow-dance.

ZACH NARRATION

I move us back and forth in something like a rhythm, and Gabe lets himself be swayed as I hum the first melody I can think of, which might be a carpet jingle actually, but it’s too late, I chose this road.

TORI

Well, tear yourselves away from each other for like, a second, because the imaginary girlfriend is pulling up.

ZACH NARRATION

Andy’s girlfriend is round and freckled and her hair has been dyed purple due to some joint dare that Andy welched on, to her endless amusement.

ASHLEY

You owe me so many favors. So many favors. Undisclosed favors.

ANDY

(GRINNING) Ooh, undisclosed.

ASHLEY

Not a euphemism.

ZACH NARRATION

And then, without warning, the two of them are making out against a wall, rattling the framed photos of Ponni’s extended family in saris and stuff. It’s hard to know where to look. Everyone else walks by them with a jaded calm. Ashley seems alright, but I am suddenly very glad she goes to a different school.

In the foyer, there’s more milling around while Ponni’s mom tracks down the good camera, and Ponni knots my tie correctly on the first try—carrying on an animated conversation with Horace the whole time, which frankly feels like showing off.

With a weird lurch, I realize that if Ponni was single and a boy, she would’ve been available two and a half months ago to fake-date Gabe, and I wouldn’t even be here. If Andy hadn’t met Ashley yet. If Craigslist had felt slightly less shady.

It’s dizzying. All of the past two and a half months are built on such random, flimsy foundations. I am deeply thankful when Ponni’s mom emerges from a side room with the good camera and a toothy grin.

I’m not sure if anyone has ever taken a photo of the entire group before. We have to pack in close to make the shot. It’s uncomfortable and boring and it takes way, way, too long because people keep blinking or talking or sneezing, but I don’t hate it, standing elbow to elbow with these kids, trying not to laugh at Ponni’s goofy puns, trying to remain neutral in Andy’s covert tickle war and convince Tori to stop fixing her eyeliner.

Couples photos, though. There’s an agony I failed to foresee.

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

Gabe, can you put your hand on his waist?

GABE

Sorry.

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

Not a problem, just step closer, come on. I lived through the seventies, I promise not to be scandalized.

ZACH NARRATION

I shuffle a half-step back, but Gabe stays exactly where he is, so when his arm stretches forward, we look less like prom dates and more like the world’s saddest two-person conga line. Gabe’s hand isn’t even on my waist; it’s hovering too lightly to feel through the suit jacket.

ANDY

(GOOD-NATURED) Boo, do this for real.

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

If you’re not comfortable—

ASHLEY

Ten minutes ago, you couldn’t pry them apart.

ZACH NARRATION

There’s no way to tell Ashley, or any of the rest of them, that the hugging didn’t make it easier. That if anything it’s harder now to step back into the role I set for myself two and a half months ago, to cuddle up with everyone watching and pose within the stiff, awkward circle of Gabe’s arm like it’s all perfectly natural. The suit fabric of Gabe’s sleeve rustles against the suit fabric of my jacket, slick and unfamiliar. My tie is choking me. The overhead light shines down on us, way too bright.

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

Can you guys try to smile?

TORI

Oh my god, there’s more to get through, and I’m so hungry, can you two just—

LESLIE

Maybe if we all stopped staring at them.

ZACH

Can we have a sec?

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

Sure, I can put the camera down for the moment.

FX: ZACH & GABE MOVE ASIDE. BACKGROUND PARTY MURMUR

ZACH

(WHISPERING) I was just thinking, do we even need to take this picture? Like, who’s gonna want a copy?

GABE

My parents.

ZACH

Yeah, but—not like they’ll want one after tonight, right?

GABE

If you can find a way to explain that to everyone—(HE SIGHS) Your tie is crooked.

ZACH

Can’t be, Ponni just fixed it for me.

GABE

Sorry I couldn’t get it. I really did try.

ZACH

Not like I could do it either.

FX: TIE RUSTLING.

GABE

Thanks for the cider. From yesterday. I was meaning to say.

ZACH

Well, thanks for finally letting me pay for something.

GABE

(HUMS NONCOMMITTALLY)

ZACH

Oh my god, is the money for that cider hidden somewhere in my car?

GABE

How would I have pulled that off? I was barely awake.

ZACH

I know better than to doubt your powers. The trouble is, I cleaned the van out this morning since I knew I’d be playing limo tonight, and there just aren’t that many hiding places, like what, did you hide it in the engine?

GABE

So, to be clear, you’re suggesting that while the car was in motion, I climbed out a closed window, opened the hood of your van, and took the time to wrap three dollars—

ZACH

See, you say that, and all I hear is the lack of a firm denial.

GABE

I’m not a ninja, Zach. Reel it back in—

ZACH

Reel it back—(DELIGHTED DESPITE HIMSELF) Jesus, you weirdo, you hid it in the tape deck!

GABE

(ALSO DELIGHTED) It’s not hiding if I tell you. But that would be a pretty clever play.

ZACH

How much of tonight is gonna be tape puns? Just so I can prepare—

LESLIE

Okay, you guys are done.

ZACH

What?

MRS. CHANDRASEKAR

Took a couple of candids, hope that’s okay. Don’t worry, I got what I needed. Who’s next?

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

This episode features—

MATTHEW

Matthew Sabido as Zach

CHRIS Chris Rivera as Gabe

ISHANI

Ishani Kanetkar as Tori

SOPHIA BABAI

Sophia Babai as Ponni

DAVID

David Rheinstrom as Mr. Brown

PERSEUS

Perseus Rebelo as Andy

JORDAN

Jordan Stillman as Zach's mom

JAMIE Jamie Price as Horace

PAIGE

Paige Alena as Leslie

SRIKRIPA

Srikripa Prasad as Ashley

ASHA

Asha Lloyd as Mrs. Chandrasekar

RACHEL Directed by Rachel Mackenzie Kellum

MICHAELA Production coordination by Michaela Whatnall

REBECCA Audio mixing by Rebecca Lynn

JESSICA

Written by Jessica Best.

Zach's narration music is written, performed and produced by Chiron Star.

KAY And I've been Kay Watson, your Morning Announcements. Thank you and have a great day, Columbus High!