MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS Good morning Columbus High students. Today is Monday, November 7th, 2005 and these are your morning announcements. Please be advised this episode contains strong language and some period-typical homophobia, as well as underage drinking and discussion of underage drug use. Congratulations to the marching band for making it to regionals at the MCBA, please see Bo if you’d like to cheer them on in person. And this weekend is the first football game of the season; tickets are available at the office. Go Comets!
ZACH (NARRATION)
(FX: UNDER ZACH’S VOICE WHENEVER HE NARRATES, AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS.)
Okay, so.
The first thing you need to understand, to appreciate just how bonkers this story is gonna get, is that Columbus High School in the year of our Lord two thousand and five is not, like, a haven of love and tolerance. It’s not one of those schools where everybody calls the teachers by their first names and nobody gets grades or wears shoes.
The morning before our story starts, in Government, we had a debate about gay marriage. It was not pro vs con. It was con vs “Sure, gays are an abomination, but maybe it’s a little over-the-top to compare them to axe murderers? Maybe they’re more like, I don’t know, shoplifters?”
I, uh. (EMBARRASSED) I spent the whole period drawing on my arms with a felt-tip marker, until the teacher sent me to wash it off. I couldn’t get it all, and for the rest of the day, kids kept shooting me looks like, “How high were you?”
The answer being none. None high. Unfortunately.
In a way, that’s the second thing you need to know.
FX: A SCHOOL BELL RINGS. WE’RE IN A HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY. DOORS OPEN, A FLOOD OF FOOTSTEPS AND VOICES. SOMEWHERE IN THE MIX: MELISSA ...think I got, like, a D. C minus, maybe.
EDDIE Dude, what is with Ms. Cook and pop quizzes?
MELISSA “Ooh, element of surprise!” It’s so gay.
EDDIE So gay. Yo, Zach!
ZACH ‘Sup, Eddie?
EDDIE Where’re you going?
ZACH Guess.
MELISSA
Again?
ZACH (WRY) Home sweet home.
EDDIE What, did you get caught smoking up?
ZACH Who can even say at this point?
MELISSA (LAUGHS) See you, Zach.
FX: A DOOR OPENS, ZACH ENTERS A CLASSROOM. THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM, THE HALLWAY SOUNDS MUTED.
ZACH What’s up, Miz P? MRS PETERSON (JUST SO TIRED OF ZACH’S BULLSHIT) Take your seat, please, Zach. Everyone! Everyone take your seats.
FX: FOOTSTEPS CROSS THE ROOM. CHAIRS SQUEAK AS VARIOUS PEOPLE TAKE THEIR SEATS. ZACH THROWS DOWN HIS BACKPACK AND COLLAPSES ONTO A CHAIR.
GABE Hey. (A PAUSE, SLIGHTLY LOUDER) Hey.
ZACH Uh, what?
GABE (THERE IS AN INTENSITY ABOUT HIM) How does this work?
ZACH The...desk?
GABE Detention. How does it work.
ZACH First time?
GABE
I--yeah.
ZACH We sit here quietly for an hour.
GABE Then what.
ZACH Then we...go home?
GABE That’s it. An hour of sitting?
ZACH She takes our phones, too.
GABE She what?
ZACH If you have a phone with you. (A BEAT) She gives them back at the end.
GABE (MYSTIFIED) What is the point of this?
ZACH (OF COURSE IT’S POINTLESS, WHY IS THIS SURPRISING?) High school, man.
FX: RUMMAGING IN BACKPACK SOUNDS. A SPIRAL NOTEBOOK IS FLUNG ONTO A DESK
ZACH (AMUSED) What’s with the notebook, are you gonna write, like, an angry letter to the president about it?
(A BEAT) Dude, what’d you do?
GABE I’m sorry?
ZACH To get in trouble. Detention. What’d you do?
GABE
...does this school really not have a single gender-neutral restroom?
ZACH What?
GABE Over two thousand kids go here every year. The odds that not a single one falls outside the, the traditional Western gender binary--
ZACH
That’s why you’re here? You used the girls’ bathroom?
GABE It’s the twenty-first century. You shouldn’t need to be nonbinary to see what an unsafe environment that’s gonna make for anyone who-- (SIGH) I didn’t use the girl’s bathroom.
ZACH So then why…?
GABE I calmly (HE WAS NOT CALM) pointed out how completely, wildly unacceptable it was to deny kids such a fundamental right. And he--a U.S. history teacher, of all people, should know better than to actually say--
ZACH History. Was it Walker?
GABE Yeah.
ZACH That sucks, dude. Walker’s a dick. (A LITTLE QUIETER) Listen, word of advice? You’re new here, right? Maybe you don’t wanna be known, right out of the gate as like, Bathroom Kid, y’know?
(A BEAT, DURING WHICH HE REGISTERS THAT GABE IS GLARING AT HIM) No, sorry, free country and all that! (A BEAT) What am I saying, you’re gonna do fine. “Stay gold, Ponyboy” or whatever. (A BEAT) Hell, maybe the whole rebel thing gets you girls--
GABE Women aren’t Pokemon, asshole!
MRS PETERSON Gabriel Navarro, you just earned yourself another detention! We do not allow that kind of language in here!
ZACH (DELIGHTED) Yeah, Gabriel. You bet your ass we don’t!
FX: SCATTERED LAUGHTER FROM THE OTHER KIDS IN DETENTION
MRS PETERSON Zach, you too, detention!
ZACH (STILL DELIGHTED; IT WAS ABSOLUTELY ON PURPOSE) Oh no. What. Really?
ZACH (NARRATION)
A word about Gabe Navarro. Or who I am kidding, more than one word. In addition to having the most intense eyes known to the human race, like, X-ray vision-grade eyes, Gabe Navarro believes in the separation of church and state. Like, believes-believes. You could write hymns on his feelings about the separation of church and state, ironically. Or maybe that’s not irony? Shit, I sleep through English, I don’t know.
He thinks that the two-party system and the campaign finance system need aggressive overhaul. He’s still mad about the electoral college, even though the whole thing with Gore was fully five years ago. He holds that America’s shrinking middle class is creating, quote “what’s basically neo-feudalism.” He is horrified CHS has no recycling program, and he is still incensed about the bathroom thing.
All of this I learned waiting for the start of our next detention together, and all of it stems from the one question I asked, upon slipping into Mrs. Peterson’s class seconds after the bell, which, for the record, was “Sup?”
I--maybe ran all the way there? I might’ve leapt over a freshman at one point, details are hazy. For the record: totally worth it.
FX: CLASSROOM SOUNDS: KIDS ARE SETTLING INTO CHAIRS AND CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES
GABE
--and really, this all goes back to Reagan, who gets lauded like some kind of saint, but not only did his regulation and so-called reforms gut the social fabric of America--
ZACH (DELIGHTED) Uh huh--
GABE --he also absolutely has blood on his hands, like more than most presidents, and not just-- MRS PETERSON Okay, everybody be quiet. One hour starts now.
ZACH (WHISPERING) Hey Gabe! (A BEAT) Gabe! Gabe!
GABE (WHISPERING) We’re not supposed to-- (REALIZES THE PARADOX AND SHUTS UP)
ZACH (WHISPERING) --talk? Yeah, it’s a paradox, right? (A BEAT)
FX: THE BACK OF A CHAIR IS KICKED
FX: THE BACK OF A CHAIR IS KICKED AGAIN
FX: THE BACK OF A CHAIR IS KICKED A THIRD TIME--
GABE (WHISPERING) Stop kicking--
ZACH (WHISPERING) I’m bored! (A BEAT) Entertain me!
FX: A FLUTTER OF PAGES AND “FWUMP” THAT IS THE SOUND OF A BOOK TOSSED AT ZACH
ZACH NARRATION The book he tosses at me is Tell Me How Long The Train’s Been Gone, by James Baldwin.
ZACH (WHISPERING) Classic literature, really?
GABE (WHISPERING) It’s actually--
MRS PETERSON (SEVERE) Gabe, no talking in detention.
GABE (SIGHS)
A PAGE TURNS
A PAGE TURNS
TRANSITION: TIME PASSES. MORE PAGES TURN. MRS PETERSON
Alright, hour’s up. Get out of here.
FX: GENERAL MURMUR OF STUDENTS GATHERING THINGS AND LEAVING. A CHAIR SCOOTS.
GABE Hey, I need that back.
ZACH Lemme finish this sentence, dude, hang on.
GABE You’re actually reading it?
ZACH Try not to shit yourself, but yeah, I can read.
GABE I didn’t mean it like that. (A BEAT. HESITANTLY, POLITELY, AWKWARDLY…) Did you like it?
ZACH I dunno, man. It’s slow going. Doesn’t even have any pictures. Or well, it didn’t. Good thing I always carry a marker.
GABE Give me back my book.
FX: A PAPERBACK IS HANDED OVER. QUICKLY FLIPPING THROUGH THE PAGES, ONE AFTER ANOTHER.
ZACH (CRACKING UP) ...I’m just messing with you. Your book’s fine, Gabe.
FX: STOMPING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF THE ROOM
MRS PETERSON Bye, Gabriel. See you tomorrow.
ZACH He has detention again?
MRS PETERSON Every day this week.
ZACH (NARRATION) And there, standing in Mrs Peterson’s room, with that last sentence still unread, there are exactly two thoughts in my head.
One: Jesus, what did that guy do?
Two: What can I do, to get three more detentions?
In the end, though, all it takes is filling the first floor men’s faculty bathroom floor to ceiling with packing peanuts. If anyone asks, it’s a political statement.
Nobody asks.
FX: BELL RINGS. DOORS OPEN. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY SOUNDS: LOCKERS OPENING AND CLOSING, A MURMUR OF CONVERSATIONS. FOOTSTEPS.
TORI Zach!
ZACH Hey.
TORI
Can you give me a ride home?
ZACH ...I assume you mean my home? TORI (FLAT) Yeah.
ZACH “Mi casa es su casa, amigo.”
TORI Amiga.
ZACH Tori Krueger, are you admitting we’re friends?
TORI I’m admitting you’re bad at Spanish. Cody’s coming, too.
ZACH It’s Wednesday.
TORI Yeah?
ZACH
Not that I don’t like hanging out with your little brother, but...
TORI We’re staying over.
ZACH (WORRIED) Tori…
TORI (FIERCELY) We’re staying over, no questions.
ZACH (NOT AFRAID OF TORI, MORE RESIGNED) Uh. Sure. You’ve got--clothes and toothbrushes and stuff?
TORI We’re fine.
ZACH You’ll have to wait around an hour before I can take you.
TORI
Detention again?
ZACH All this week.
TORI
...you’re smiling.
ZACH Am I? TORI It’s disturbing.
ZACH Yeah, well. No questions.
FX: A DOOR OPENS. ZACH WALKS THROUGH. THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM.
MS PETERSON Zach. You’re early. Again.
ZACH Hey Gabe! I’ve been wondering: do we, like, need civil liberties?
TRANSITION
ZACH (NARRATION) On Friday, I spend our final detention together trying to think of something to say at the end. Something funny and memorable, but also cool and effortless, and, y’know, natural. It’s tricky. I watch the clock tick down to 3:45 and when it comes, I’ve still got nothing. And Gabe, well. He doesn’t exactly wait around. Two Saturdays later, Tori sneaks over with a bottle of vodka for videogames and drunk trash-talking.
FX: MID-OUGHTS VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND NOISES, SPECIFICALLY MACHINE GUN FIRE.
ZACH How do you like that? Aw, are you hungry? Eat lead, shithead!
TORI Zach, that’s your guy. I’m shooting you.
ZACH You assume I’m rooting for myself. Maybe I wanna be on the winning team for once.
FX: VIDEO GAME NOISES CUT OUT; THE “TINK, TINK” OF A PAUSE MENU
ZACH Why’re you--
TORI You’ve been running headfirst into that wall for like five minutes.
ZACH ...right.
TORI Do you still have those drawings you did last week?
ZACH Maybe. The mushrooms?
TORI
The messed-up monsters. ZACH Uh. Yeah. (FX: PAPER RUSTLING) I’ve got crayons someplace. Uh. Here, go nuts. (FX: ZACH DROPS A BUNCH OF CRAYONS AT TORI)
TORI Right. Got anything to smoke? ZACH Cigarettes. Nothing else. You?
TORI Nope.
ZACH Tell your dealer to get his ass out of prison, this sucks.
TORI
Quit calling him that, Nick’s my friend. I’ve known him since I was four.
ZACH When’s he getting out?
TORI Five months.
ZACH Ugh, we might as well get a hobby or something.
TORI You could always join Social Justice Club.
ZACH What?
TORI It’s this...activism-y...the dude who started it is like, terrifyingly determined to recruit people.
ZACH (“PLAY IT COOL”) (UTTERLY FAILING TO PLAY IT COOL) Oh, uh, that Navarro guy?
TORI Yeah.
ZACH Think you’ll go?
TORI Nah. What about you?
ZACH (FUCKED UP) No. God, why would I? He didn’t, like, mention it to me or anything. I mean, why would he? No. Definitely no. Is there more vodka?
TORI Not for you. (FX: PAPER RUSTLES) Here, take a monster.
ZACH (NARRATION)
Monday. Last class of the day. Worst class of the day. World myth. I had a mythology phase way back when, but I took the class because I figured it’d be easy. Looking around the room, I get the sense 24 kids had the same thought. We’re talking wall to wall jocks and burnouts.
Well, jocks, burnouts, and Leslie McClary. She’s a year younger, but I remember her from middle school mural club. She was so clumsy, we didn’t let her touch the paint. She’d just sit on the ground, cleaning everyone's brushes and reading aloud from whatever book happened to be in her backpack: Shel Silverstein and Rumi, Edgar Allen Poe and Gwendolyn Brooks. Leslie stammers when she's called on in class, but she’s never had any problem reading. Even facing the wall, paintbrush in hand, you could hear the reverence in her voice.
I wonder if she remembers any of that. She doesn’t seem to have changed much since middle school. If anything, she’s just become more herself.
Because Leslie lives by her own rules. Halfway into sophomore year, she’ll show up to school in shirts with wolves on them, baggy men’s jeans, a faded Sailor Moon backpack, a pointedly rainbow scrunchie swinging from the end of her long, fraying braid. Your survival instincts hurt just looking at her.
I’ve read the school handbook three times. Once in the fitful, optimistic summer before high school, and then twice in the years after that, looking for rules to break. In theory, CHS has a zero-tolerance policy against bullying.
In practice...well.
TRANSITION
FX: A CLASSROOM. EVERYONE IS TALKING
MIKE Leslie. Hey, Lez. (SING-SONGING) Lez. I like your backpack, Lezzie. You like anime, are you into hentai? (A BEAT) Do you even know what hentai is?
ZACH (NARRATION) It...goes on like that for a while. I’ll spare you. Mr. Clark doesn’t even look up from his game of computer solitaire. She doesn’t give him a reaction and eventually he wanders off.
She’s staring down at her book. She hasn’t turned a page in about five minutes. I don’t really know why I do it.
FX: WE’RE IN THE CLASSROOM AGAIN. AMBIENT TALKING.
FX: FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE TILE FLOOR.
ZACH Hey, Leslie.
LESLIE ...h-hey.
ZACH ....okay, Screw Marry Kill. Norse mythology, Greek mythology, Egyptian mythology.
LESLIE Um, what? ZACH
It’s a simple question.
LESLIE (AS IF SOLVING A RIDDLE) Okay, see this—this is actually—yeah, okay, I have it. Marry Norse mythology. The wedding feast alone’d be worth it. Kill Egyptian mythology. Not as any kind of a—the stakes are different, y’know? It’ll rise again; I mean, resurrection’s in the lifeblood. And, uh, screw Greek mythology, but use every kind of protection so you don't get, y’know, swan herpes.
ZACH Bull herpes.
LESLIE Flying-showers-of-gold-coins herpes. My turn.
FX: THE BELL RINGS. AMBIENT CONVERSATIONS. WE’RE WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY.
LESLIE Screw Marry Kill: the color yellow, the sound of cymbals, trepidation.
ZACH Kill trepidation. Screw yellow, I can deal with it for a little while but I couldn’t look at it for life. Marry cymbals.
LESLIE Really? The sound of cymbals, following you everywhere?
ZACH A little ba-dum-ching every time I make a joke? Hell yeah. Screw Marry Kill: Sleep, laughter, or pizza?
FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
KRISTA Leslie, oh Leslie my darling, how I’ve missed you! Never, ever leave me like that again!
LESLIE (SMILING, HER CRUSH IS HERE!) Hi Krista.
KRISTA How was that?
LESLIE Very believable.
KRISTA I am gonna audition the shit out of that part, I can feel it.
LESLIE How’s it going?
KRISTA (DRAMATICALLY) Horrible. I had a tragic case of Leslie withdrawal. I was five minutes from slapping a wig on Andy and making him talk about Dante, just to fill the void. (OFFHAND) Hey Zach.
ZACH
‘Sup?
LESLIE (GRINNING) That sounds tough.
KRISTA It was agony. We’re talking slings, arrows, outrageous fortune, the works. Is Zachary coming with us?
LESLIE Oh, he should! (SIGNIFICANTLY) We’re going to a meeting. It’s this activism-y--
ZACH Uh yeah, okay.
TRANSITION
ZACH (NARRATION)
Social Justice Club is still setting up when we slip into Ms. Cook’s room.
Maybe Krista put out some kind of only-Black-girl-in-the-school bat signal, because half of Columbus High’s ethnic diversity is here. Which is to say, not just Gabe, and not just Ponni Chandrasekar, who’s leaning on her cane as she writes ‘WELCOME’ on the board in bubble letters, but Andy Li, of all people. Wrestling team dudes aren’t famous for questioning the social order.
Andy’s the only other guy, and I can’t help wondering how many of the girls just showed up to stare at Gabe. Then again, in the waning minutes before the meeting, nobody’s really looking in his direction; Andy’s bouncing a superball, Ponni is adding cat ears and tails to each of her letters, and Krista and Leslie are talking with their heads bent together. No ulterior motives in sight.
You’ve gotta hand it to Gabe: in a school where even most of the pot heads are conservatives, he’s managed to find four allies, all united by a common purpose. Well, except for Andy, who could be there by accident.
When Gabe looks up and sees me, a muscle in his jaw twitches gratifyingly.
ZACH Hey.
GABE Why are you here.
ZACH Gosh, I dunno. I guess I felt like making a difference in my local community.
LESLIE He’s, uh. He’s with us.
GABE Really.
ZACH Hey, you never know. Maybe I’ll see the light and decide I’m just nuts about change.
PONNI Oh no, are we starting?
ANDY The letters look great, Ponni.
PONNI I think the last cat could be cuter.
ANDY Don’t make me say “It’s purr-fect,” don’t make me be that guy.
PONNI Ha!
KRISTA Welcome to Social Justice Club! We meet Mondays and Fridays.
LESLIE
Last week, we voted on what cause to tackle for now.
KRISTA Ponni won, she had “the war.”
ZACH Right, end the entire war. No pressure.
GABE So! This week.
PONNI We’re starting!
FX: PONNI, WALKING WITH A CANE, CROSSES THE ROOM AND SITS
GABE This week: calling your representatives.
FX: CHALK SQUEAKS ON THE BOARD AS GABE WRITES OUT THREE NAMES
GABE Michigan’s senators, of course, and our house rep. Don’t be nervous, they have interns for actually answering the phone. All you have to do is call, establish you’re from their district, share your stance on the issue, and tell them it’ll affect how you vote.
Ponni?
PONNI What if we’re too young to vote right now? Will we get in trouble for lying?
GABE
Great point. Yesterday I met with our legal consultant--
FX: EVERYONE EXCEPT ZACH LAUGHS A LITTLE.
GABE --here’s what you need to know.
FX: MORE CHALK WRITING
GABE 2006, 2008, and 2006 again. Anyone want to guess what these are? Krista.
KRISTA Their re-election years.
GABE Exactly. So Ponni, you say…
PONNI “I will be voting in the 2008 election, and this issue will affect my vote.”
GABE (IN HIS ELEMENT, PAINFULLY EARNEST) Perfect! It may feel awkward at first, but that’s what your call script’s for. And remember, you’re not misleading them. You’re a future voter, and your vote counts just as much as anyone else’s. They work for you. Any other questions?
ZACH What if I’m a single issue voter and my one issue is just how sick their dance moves are?
TRANSITION ZACH Hi again, Gabe!
GABE Why are you here.
ZACH Damn, you mean this isn’t cheerleading tryouts? Must’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.
TRANSITION ZACH (NARRATION) Every time I show up--and I show up every time--Gabe asks why. He seems at best resigned to my presence, but he still keeps asking.
I tell myself maybe part of Gabe looks forward to the latest smartass answer, maybe he’d even be disappointed if I stopped coming to meetings. I tell myself this and am struck by a sudden memory of being eleven years old, pointing a homemade wand at an automatic door and trying to convince myself I had moved it by magic.
TRANSITION FX: A HALLWAY FULL OF WALKING STUDENTS. A LOCKER DOOR SLAMS.
EDDIE Zach.
ZACH Eddie, what’s up?
EDDIE You and McClary’ve been cozy lately.
ZACH Dude, I don’t like her like that.
EDDIE Good. You realize she is not into guys, right?
ZACH
(HATING HIMSELF) Leslie’s not gay, she’s just weird.
EDDIE Please. Do you know any straight chicks named Lezzie?
ZACH (FAKE-LAUGHS. IT’S NOT SUPER CONVINCING BUT IT FOOLS EDDIE.)
EDDIE See you.
ZACH (LOST) See you.
ZACH (NARRATION) Gabe and his friends have a plan. It’s all set in place, on white boards and notebooks and probably Krista’s Livejournal somewhere. What they don’t seem to understand is that humanity isn’t going to get better. Even if you wanted to, you can’t just wake up smarter, kinder, braver. It doesn’t work that way. As I stuff my books into my backpack, I’m thinking I should really stop going to meetings.
TRANSITION GABE
Why are you here.
ZACH
No worries, I’m only in it for the snacks.
GABE There are no snacks\.
ZACH
I know. And I think I deserve a lot of credit for how well I’m handling my disappointment.
ZACH (NARRATION) Social Justice Club writes call scripts against the war. They circulate petitions. They plan a field trip to a protest happening two towns over. Nobody asks me to drive, even though I have a giant-ass van.
But for the first time in years, I find myself sketching real people again. Suddenly my algebra notebook is half filled with scribbled portraits: Krista rebraiding Leslie’s hair, Leslie laughing at whatever Krista’s saying under her breath. Gabe frowning thoughtfully over a sheet of paper. Ponni and Andy decorating Ponni’s cane with constellation stickers. I try not to draw Gabe more than the others.
I mean, I do try.
TRANSITION
FX: WE’RE OUTSIDE. BIRDS ARE SINGING
KRISTA Zachariah! What are you doing out here, we ended like ten minutes ago.
ZACH Waiting on Tori.
FX: KEYS JINGLE ZACH I’m her ride.
KRISTA Well hell, let us wait together.
ZACH (AWKWARD) Good meeting today.
KRISTA (SKEPTICAL) Really?
ZACH It's pretty nuts you guys can remember all those numbers off the top of your head and shit.
KRISTA That’s nothing, I’ve got like half of Shakespeare’s sonnets in here. The ones that aren’t total bullshit.
ZACH He’s Shakespeare.
KRISTA I know. Everyone falls over themselves to point that out. He’s okay as dead white guys go, but I’ve read better.
ZACH You are exactly the same. Remember when we used to play war at recess and you’d bust my chops over historical accuracy? KRISTA It was World War Two. You wanted a talking robot dog.
ZACH
I stand by that. Think how fast we would’ve beat the Germans with robots on our side.
KRISTA
That's not even historical accuracy, that's just, like, sticking to a genre. (A BEAT) You seriously remember all that?
ZACH How could I forget, dude, those were the days.
ZACH (NARRATING) You know how sometimes you have to hear yourself say something out loud before you realize how pathetic it sounds? Like, bad enough when someone’s dad is all, ‘High school is the greatest time of your life’ but Jesus, who admits to peaking in second grade? I try to throw on a laugh but it’s way too late, that comment is just sitting there, like a turd in a public pool.
KRISTA Hey, so we’re getting together this weekend to watch a movie if you…
ZACH Sounds great but I’ve got plans that day.
KRISTA That’s interesting. You know, since I didn’t say what day it was?
ZACH (MUMBLING) Well, you know, it’s…
FX: FOOTSTEPS
TORI Okay, we can go.
ZACH Dude, Tori, where were you?
TORI Stopped by my place. We were out of vodka so I got Schnapp’s. Peppermint.
ZACH Ugh.
TORI It was that or gin, and they would’ve noticed the gin. What.
KRISTA ...you shouldn’t have that on school grounds.
TORI You’re the only one who’s watching. Zach, are we leaving, or what?
ZACH Have a good weekend.
KRISTA Yeah.
FX: ZACH UNLOCKS HIS CAR. HE AND TORI CLIMB IN, SHUT THE DOORS, BUCKLE THEIR SEATBELTS. ZACH TURNS ON THE ENGINE AND BACKS THE CAR OUT OF THE SPACE.
TORI Did you see that look she was giving me? Like I'm a barefoot orphan in one of those Save the Children ads.
TRANSITION FX: VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND SHOOTING HAVE RETURNED
ZACH What were you like in second grade?
TORI You really don’t remember me, do you?
ZACH You weren’t in my orbit. You were, like, popular and shit.
TORI Well, I was a bitch. What does it matter?
ZACH Doesn’t, I guess.
TORI Got a job.
(A BEAT) ZACH Seriously? Where?
TORI Town library.
ZACH When?
TORI Three weeks ago.
ZACH Huh.
TORI (LAUGHS BUT THERE’S AN EDGE TO IT) I dunno, maybe you’d be in the loop if we ever saw each other.
ZACH What?
TORI
It's not too late, you know. You could drive back around and meet up with Krista and all her perfect friends, and drink warm milk and talk about opera, or whatever the hell it is they do for fun.
ZACH
Um. Hey, if you wanna hang out more—
TORI God, Zach! Not everything is about you!
(A PAUSE) ZACH Want me to make you a pizza?
TORI You can’t cook.
ZACH It’s a frozen pizza, but I’ll put it in the oven for you.
TRANSITION
A SMOKE DETECTOR GOING OFF
ZACH Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit--
OVEN DOOR OPENS. BURNING PLASTIC HISSES. ZACH USES A PAIR OF TONGS TO FLING THE PAN INTO THE SINK.
TORI Next time, you might wanna unwrap it first.
ZACH Sure, in retrospect. (A BEAT) Want some cereal?
TORI Yeah.
CABINET OPENS. A CEREAL BOX IS REMOVED AND SET ON THE COUNTER
ZACH You could always come with me to meetings.
TORI (SNORTS)
ZACH ...you have a point.
ZACH (NARRATION)
Leslie is reading instead of paying attention in the last few minutes of World Myth. Nobody could blame her for that. The funny thing is, the book she's sneaking is The Iliad. It may even be in the original Greek; I only catch a glimpse of it as we pass notes back and forth on a picture I’d been drawing of a duck dressed as Poseidon and wearing a snorkel.
ZACH (WRITING NOISES AND A SLIGHT ECHO UNDER THE LINE)
You are the worst at slacking ever.
LESLIE (WRITING NOISES AND A SLIGHT ECHO UNDER THE LINE) I took World Mythology to learn world mythology. I'm not letting World Mythology get in the way of that. (This duck is amazing. Can I keep it?)
ZACH (WRITING NOISES AND A SLIGHT ECHO UNDER THE LINE)
Sure, as long as you promise to take him on walks & clean up after
FX: BELL RINGS. STUDENTS ARE GATHERING UP THEIR STUFF AND LEAVING, PUSHING IN CHAIRS, ETC
LESLIE Oh, actually, I have something for you, too. (RUMMAGING IN A BACKPACK) Have you ever read any World War One poetry?
ZACH
Uh, not much of a poetry guy. Or a huge fan of those old-timey…
LESLIE
It's not like you’re thinking. Borrow this, you'll like it. World War One was kind of the death of old-timey anyway. The Lost Generation, y'know. Hemingway and all that.
ZACH Ugh, Hemingway. I hated Old Man and the Sea. Even the Cliff Notes.
LESLIE (LAUGHS) Krista hates Hemingway, too. She said the funniest thing about it at lunch the other day, she and Gabe were joking—
ZACH Gabe made a joke?
LESLIE What are you talking about? Gabe jokes—
ZACH I mean, droll little asides to Ponni about gerrymandering, sure.
LESLIE
Have you ever even talked to him when he’s not annoyed or in the middle of something? He's different when he's just hanging out.
ZACH
Well, I don't have any way of knowing that, do I?
LESLIE
(SNAPPISH) Whose fault is that? (QUIETER) Sorry. We missed you last weekend.
ZACH
You did, maybe. But who is this 'we'? Do you have an imaginary friend?
LESLIE
Nobody in the group hates you. Honestly, I think we could all get along great if everyone just—
ZACH
What, hugged it out and made friendship bracelets? Leslie, you're great, but the whole world isn't cartoons and poetry.
LESLIE
Have you ever even read Dante?
ZACH No?
LESLIE
Yeah, okay. Zach, you're great, but you don't know everything. (SIGH) Thanks for the duck.
TRANSITION
KRISTA Another round of applause for Leslie and Ponni’s presentation!
POLITE CLAPPING
ZACH Woo! Play Free Bird!
ANDY (EASILY) Shut up.
GABE
(QUIETLY) Zach? Can I talk to you outside for a second?
ZACH
Uh, sure thing, chief.
TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS TO THE DOOR. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. WE’RE IN THE HALLWAY.
GABE Seriously, why are you here.
ZACH
Like, on the planet? I think I’d rather leave that one to the philosophers, man.
GABE
You get that your whole apathy thing is the worst kind of white guy posturing, right? Not everyone in the group can afford to do your “caring is for losers” routine.
ZACH
Uh. Sorry.
GABE What?
ZACH Is that not allowed? Because I can take it back.
GABE
Look, it’s just-- (A DASH OF VULNERABILITY) it’s been a really really long day, okay?
ZACH NARRATION It’s weird to see Gabe tired. It’s weird to think of Gabe as the kind of person who gets tired. I kind of don’t know what to do with it.
ZACH (BLURTING) Anything I can do to help?
GABE Why are you here?
ZACH
(BALDLY HONEST) ...I don’t know.
FX: DOOR OPENS
PONNI
Hey Gabe, do you mind if we call it quits? It’s time.
GABE
(A LITTLE DISTRACTED) Yeah, sure thing.
THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE GATHERING THEIR THINGS AND LEAVING. ANDY AND PONNI TRAIL AWAY, PONNI STILL WALKING WITH A CANE.
ANDY
We still meeting Horace when he’s done at Panera?
PONNI That’s the plan.
ANDY Sweet, I could put away a bread bowl.
PONNI Ever since he started working there, that sourdough smell follows him around like Pigpen’s dirt cloud. Maybe I’ll get, like, a bagel--
FX: THEY WALK AWAY. LESLIE AND KRISTA LINGER
KRISTA
Oh, Leslie, I have something for you.
LESLIE
Oh?
KRISTA
It’s not a big deal, it’s just a mix I made, some songs that made me, like. Some songs I think you’d maybe like?
LESLIE
(LAUGHS)
KRISTA
What?
GABE
(TIGHTLY) Zach, can we talk someplace else?
LESLIE
I, um. I have a mix for you, too.
KRISTA
(LAUGHS) No way!
ZACH
My car?
LESLIE
Uh, you--you go first.
GABE
Yeah.
KRISTA Uh, okay. So, track one, if I can just take you through this…
TRANSITION FX: CAR DOORS SHUT.
ZACH (GETTING NERVOUS) Okay, now that we’re living out an FBI movie, can you…?
GABE (DEEP BREATH) Look. I need a favor.
ZACH With what? Ooh, are you forming a cult? I’d be awesome at cults, I just know it. I love chanting, I look great in robes…
GABE
You wouldn’t last five minutes in a cult, they’d be begging you to leave.
ZACH Screw you, man. You never know, I could have hidden aptitude.
GABE God, never mind. I’m starting over.
ZACH Knock yourself out.
GABE Krista wants to ask Leslie to prom.
ZACH ...huh. And this is any of your business because…
GABE (RESOLUTE) She hasn’t asked yet. She’s worried it won’t be safe. Apparently, people have been harassing Leslie.
ZACH (FLAT) Apparently.
GABE Krista’s worried that if Leslie starts dating a girl, on top of everything else, that it’s going to get bad.
ZACH Don’t know how she could make it worse. You’ve seen how she dresses.
GABE She speaks really highly of you. (“I HAVE NO IDEA WHY”)
ZACH She’s a sweet kid,. Nobody ever accused her of good taste. I still don’t see what this has to do with me.
GABE No—I. (DEEP BREATH) Leslie’s closer than anyone to being out in this school, right? There's nobody else like her, so she bears the brunt of everyone's bigotry and prejudice. And I was thinking. (ANOTHER DEEP BREATH.) If it wasn't just Leslie and Krista—if there were other couples, maybe it would—
ZACH
Make a bigger target?
GABE Diffuse their anger. Dilute it. At the very least, create some solidarity.
ZACH So, you want me to go around outing people? I don't think I'm qualified for, like, detective work—
GABE (FRUSTRATED NOISE) Are you doing this on purpose?
ZACH What?
GABE Being completely obtuse, is it on purpose?
ZACH Usually, you have no problem believing I’m an idiot. Why can’t you believe it the one time I actually--
GABE (SHARPLY) You’re not an idiot.
ZACH Well shucks, dude, now I’m blushing.
GABE You’re just—intellectually lazy.
ZACH ...wow, do you still need that favor? Is this your version of sweet talk? Just out of curiosity, like, how do you think it’s going?
GABE I’m not trying to--look.
I need you to go to prom with me. I need you to pretend to date me.
A BEAT ZACH ...what?
CLOSING MUSIC - “SISYPHUS” WITH NO LYRICS
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS
This concludes episode one of Keep It Steady. If you’d like to make more episodes possible and access a variety of bonus rewards, including your name in the morning announcements, please visit patreon.com/keepitsteadypod to become a Patreon backer. That’s patreon dot com slash keep it steady pod.
This episode features:
ASHTON
Ashton Reid as Zach
ELLA Ella Mouria Seet as Melissa
STEPHEN Stephen Indrisano as Eddie
NIKKI Nikki Paige as Mrs. Peterson
CHRIS Chris Rivera as Gabe
ISHANI
Ishani Kanetkar as Tori
ANDY Andy BC Emmerson as Mike
PAIGE
Paige Alena as Leslie
REGINA Regina Renée Russell as Krista
SOPHIA Sophia Babai as Ponni
PERSEUS Perseus Rebelo as Andy
RACHEL Directed by Rachel Mackenzie Kellum
MICHAELA
Production coordination by Michaela Whatnall
PHOEBE Sound effects by Pheobe Izzard Davey
REBECCA
Audio mixing by Rebecca Lynn
JESS Written by Jessica Best.
Zach’s narration music is by Chiron Star. Closing credits music is by Jessica Best, and arranged, performed, and produced by Chiron Star.
MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS And I’ve been Kay Watson, your morning announcements. Thank you and have a great day, Columbus High!