• Procyon Podcast Network

Starship Iris Episode 10. Off Air

Written by Jessica Best


2.1 MCCABE Get in here, right now!


2.2 SOUND A pair of agent-ly footsteps, running over


2.3 CLARK The hell, Agent McCabe?


2.4 MCCABE Look out the window. Is that--?


2.5 CLARK ...no way. Agent Park was--


2.6 GOODMAN (THOROUGHLY SPOOKED) Nobody comes back from Zone Z. It’s gotta be a, a lookalike or something.


2.7 MCCABE It’s him. (SMALL VOICE) Why’s he wearing an eye patch?


2.8 CLARK How is he walking?


2.9 GOODMAN McCabe, you said Agent Park was taken to Zone Z, right?


2.10 MCCABE I saw the Major General take him.


2.11 GOODMAN Nobody comes back from--


2.12 MCCABE (NEAR-HYSTERICAL) Well it looks like somebody does, Goodman!


3.1 GOODMAN Wonder if this has to do with that ensign...


3.2 MCCABE The one that transcribes the Iris reports?


3.3 GOODMAN Heard she got taken last week.


3.4 CLARK Oh. (PAUSE) Dibs on her mug.


3.5 MCCABE Do you think maybe she was the leak?


3.6 GOODMAN Why, Agent McCabe, are you suggesting the Republic was wrong in implicating Park?


3.7 MCCABE I--


3.8 FX: Doors open


3.9 MCCABE You’re back! Sir.


3.10 PARK Major General Frederick sent me. We have reason to believe the Rumor’s touched down on New Jupiter.


3.11 GOODMAN Here?


3.12 FX: MICROPHONE TURNED ON


4.1 MCCABE (BREATHLESSLY) The Strange Case of Starship Iris, Report 10. Note: this is an ongoing investigation. All agents reviewing this case should begin with Report One: Violet Liu and proceed chronologically. Warning for any future agents reviewing this case: this transmission may contain graphic violence. If you have been diagnosed with...combat-related…?


4.2 FX: in the background, Park has been grabbing up equipment


4.3 PARK No time for that. Come on, all of you.


4.4 MCCABE ...Should I bring it with?


4.5 PARK The microphone?


4.6 MCCABE Um, protocol states that we continue recording reports in all active cases unless deemed a--


4.7 PARK Forget it, McCabe. We need to go, now.


4.8 FX: MICROPHONE TURNED OFF


4.9 PARK (AS IF OFF-MIC) Are you coming?


5.1 FX: Four pairs of running feet, door opens, door closes.


5.2 FX: STATIC


5.3 FX: WE ARE OUTSIDE. CICADAS DRONE.


5.4 ARKADY (DEEP BREATH, LETS IT OUT) You ready?


5.5 KREJJH Honestly, First Mate Patel? No. But sometimes it’s not about ready. There’s just the thing to be done, and the will to try. (PAUSE) You ready, Captain Tripathi?


5.6 SANA (GRIM) Maybe.


5.7 ARKADY Good enough. Let’s g--


5.8 SCARY GUARD WITH A BRITISH ACCENT Stop right there or I’ll shoot.


5.9 KREJJH ...Breesht.


5.10 ARKADY ...How long have you been following us?


5.11 BRITISH GUARD Long enough. You’re coming with me, all of you.


5.12 FX: THREE SETS OF BRISK FOOTSTEPS, OUTDOORS


6.1 SANA Where are we going?


6.2 BRITISH GUARD I don’t think you need to know that.


6.3 KREJJH (QUIETLY) Krejjh to Brian Jeeter--


6.4 FX: A GUN COCKS


6.5 BRITISH GUARD Stop.


6.6 SANA If you kill the Dwarnian, that’ll be the start of--an intergalactic incident.


6.7 BRITISH GUARD And what will happen if I shoot you? (PAUSE) Right, that’s what I thought. This way.


6.8 FX: FOOTSTEPS


6.9 GUARD 2 Name and ident--holy shit, the one in the helmet, is that a Dwarnian?


6.10 BRITISH GUARD Keep your voice down, do you want to start a panic? I apprehended these three near the atrium. I have orders to take them in.


6.11 GUARD 2 To ADVANCE? Why?


7.1 BRITISH GUARD For experiments, presumably.


7.2 GUARD But...if the Dwarnians find out--


7.3 BRITISH GUARD Would you like to take it up with Major General Frederick?


7.4 GUARD 2 Um, point. Do you want an escort?


7.5 BRITISH GUARD I think this (HOLDING A GUN) should be sufficient to keep them in line.


7.6 GUARD 2 Fair enough--uh--


7.7 BRITISH GUARD Officer Wu.


7.8 GUARD 2 Of course.


7.9 FX: DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS INSIDE. WE’RE NOT FOLLOWING THOSE FOOTSTEPS. CRICKETS CONTINUE TO CHIRP


7.10 GENERAL, WALKIE TALKIE (IN DISTANT BACKGROUND, THE HUM OF SHIPS) This is Major General J. Golding Frederick to all agents. Any agents not on active duty should report immediately to the North-27 docks. I repeat, report immediately--


8.1 GENERAL (IN BACKGROUND, THE HUM OF SHIPS, NO CRICKETS) --to the North-27 docks. Has the area been evacuated yet?


8.2 AGENT SEIDERS All clear, ma’am.


8.3 GENERAL Everyone got their side arms? Good. Team 1, Team 2, and Team 3, fan out and start searching ships. I’ll brief the others as they arrive.


8.4 FX: A GREAT DEAL OF FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT


8.5 MCCABE Agent Park, how do we know the Rumor landed here?


8.6 PARK There was a glitch in the security footage. For about fifteen minutes.


8.7 MCCABE Long enough to bring in a ship…


8.8 PARK (GRIM) That’s our guess.


8.9 MCCABE If the Rumor can hack us, does that mean they’ve still got someone on the inside?


8.10 PARK One step at a time, Agent.


9.1 MCCABE (FLICKING A SWITCH ON THE EXTERIOR OF A SHIP) Attention, attention. This is Agent McCabe--


9.2 PARK That ship’s empty.


9.3 MCCABE How can you…?


9.4 PARK Feel the side? It’s cold. Nobody’s flown it in hours.


9.5 MCCABE That’s--really smart.


9.6 FX: FOOTSTEPS


9.7 MCCABE ...This one’s warm.


9.8 PARK Go ahead.


9.9 FX: A SWITCH FLIPPED ON THE EXTERIOR OF A SHIP


9.10 MCCABE Attention, attention, this is Agent McCabe of the IGR--


9.11 FX: A SLIGHTLY-DELAYED ECHO AS THE NANOSWARM RELAYS THIS SOUND FROM WITHIN THE SHIP, PLAYING THROUGH THE DEVICE PARK BROUGHT


9.12 MCCABE What’s that echo?


10.1 PARK (TENSE) I’m picking up the transmission from the nanoswarm.


10.2 MCCABE Why is the swarm--it’s picking up my voice because it’s in this ship?


10.3 PARK (SWITCHING ON A WALKIE TALKIE) Park to all agents. Park to all agents. Agent McCabe has located the Rumor. Sending you our location. Major General Frederick, please advise.


10.4 GENERAL This is Major General Frederick. Stand by for Team 2.


10.5 PARK Copy that. (WALKIE TALKIE SWITCHED OFF)


10.6 MCCABE Now what?


10.7 PARK We stand by.


10.8 MCCABE Right. So, did you hear about the latest crackpot conspiracy from the Rumor? They said the Major General is developing the nanoswarm so we can use it when she starts another war with the Dwarnians. (MCCABE DEEPLY NEEDS TO BE TOLD THIS IS RIDICULOUS) Ridiculous, right?


11.1 PARK Of course.


11.2 MCCABE Um. How’s Shelly?


11.3 PARK She’s fine. (A BEAT) Relieved.


11.4 MCCABE (QUIET OUTBURST) What happened to your eye?


11.5 PARK Zone Z happened.


11.6 MCCABE (LOWERED VOICE) But--you didn’t do anything, did you?


11.7 PARK In the end, I caused the Republic a lot of paperwork. Every dead end is wasted time and energy.


11.8 MCCABE But you didn’t do anything.


11.9 PARK During the war, we used to say sooner or later, we all make sacrifices. The trick is to keep your focus on the big picture.


11.10 FX: Footsteps


11.11 MCCABE Of...course.


12.1 SEIDERS That’s the Rumor? Doesn’t look like much from the outside, does it?


12.2 PARK Team Leader 2. Are your people ready to go?


12.3 SEIDERS Ready, let’s do this! Stand back.


12.4 FX: Sounds of a blow-torch, sounds of a chunk of ship wall hitting the ground.


12.5 SEIDERS (HUSHED) Team 2, follow me!


12.6 FX: Many hushed footsteps into the ship. We’re following Seiders.


12.7 SEIDERS We’re in. Any clue where they’re hiding?


12.8 PARK Let’s see...


12.9 FX: Tuning noises


12.10 VIOLET AND BRIAN (SINGING) Mush a ring a do rum da

Whack for my daddy-oh, whack--


12.11 PARK Sounds like the cockpit.


12.12 FX: MANY HUSHED FOOTPRINTS DOWN THE HALLWAY


13.1 SEIDERS (WHISPERING) Copy that. Passing a storage room on my 9 o’clock, cockpit straight ahead.


13.2 VIOLET AND BRIAN (SINGING)(VERY FAINTLY) There’s whiskey in the jar!


13.3 SEIDERS (WHISPERING) Think it’s safe to say they don’t see us coming.


13.4 MCCABE Something’s wrong.


13.5 PARK Too easy?


13.6 MCCABE Too familiar.


13.7 SEIDERS What?


13.8 VIOLET AND BRIAN (SINGING) (LOUDER) Being drunk and weary I went to Molly's chamber

Takin’ my money with me and I never knew the danger--


13.9 MCCABE I’ve heard this before.


13.10 PARK (EXHAUSTED) We...all have.


13.11 MCCABE No, I’ve heard this before. They’re playing a recording.


14.1 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Incoming call from--Brian Jeeter.


14.2 MCCABE It’s a trap!


14.3 SEIDERS McCabe, as the senior agent here, I’m gonna make my own calls.


14.4 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Incoming call from--Brian Jeeter.


14.5 SEIDERS Computer, accept?


14.6 BRIAN (VIA THE PHONE) Computer, execute sequence five. Brian Jeeter out.


14.7 FX: HANG UP NOISE, MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY


14.8 PARK Team Leader Two!


14.9 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE This is for -- Alvy Connors--


14.10 FX: SOME FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE, SOME PAUSE DOUBTFULLY


14.11 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE --the entire crew-- of the-- Iris, and-- Emily Craddock. You--can’t--make-- a--person--disappear. Self-destruct in-- ten--


14.12 JUNIOR AGENT Should we...retreat?


15.1 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Nine


15.2 SEIDERS It’s a bluff, they don’t have that capability


15.3 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Eight


15.4 PARK Don’t risk it, get out of there!


15.5 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Seven


15.6 MCCABE Hang on, they have a still, for moonshine.


15.7 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Six


15.8 MCCABE What if they recalibrated it--


15.9 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Five


15.10 PARK Take your team out of there!


15.11 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Four


15.12 SEIDERS Fine, let’s move!


15.13 FX MANY RUNNING FOOTSTEPS


16.1 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Three

Two

One


16.2 FX MANY RUNNING FOOTSTEPS


16.3 SEIDERS Told you it was a bluff.


16.4 GRATUITOUSLY PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE Goodbye.


16.5 FX: An explosion


16.6 A PAUSE, PARK AND MCCABE COUGH


16.7 MCCABE Holy…


16.8 FX: WALKIE TALKIE NOISE ACTIVATED


16.9 PARK Agent Park to Major General Frederick, the Rumor just...self-destructed, taking out all of Team 2.


16.10 GENERAL We’ve been set up.


16.11 MCCABE Major-General, (COUGH) in order for Jeeter to set off the sequence, he must’ve had an eyeline to the ship. He’s got to be somewhere nearby.


17.1 GENERAL No time to worry about that. That blast of heat means they’ve just set a swarm of rebooted nanoswarm on the loose. We need to secure the lab, now. Park, McCabe, go.


17.2 FX: FOOTSTEPS


17.3 GENERAL Major General Frederick to all on-duty guards in the vicinity of ADVANCE labs. Anything unusual tonight?

17.4 GUARD 2 Someone stole a tank of fuel from the hangar, and Johnson was five minutes late--


17.5 GENERAL I meant, in terms of security.


17.6 GUARD 2 Nothing out of the ordinary. Except for that Dwarnian.


17.7 GENERAL What Dwarnian.


17.8 GUARD 2 She said you were expecting them.


17.9 GENERAL Who said?


17.10 GUARD 2 Officer Wu?


18.1 GENERAL Officer Wu isn’t on duty tonight. What did this individual look like?


18.2 GUARD 2 Uh, guard uniform, East Asian, probably five foot or thereabouts? Had three prisoners with her--


18.3 GENERAL Oh for the love of-- (WALKIE TALKIE ACTIVATED) Major General Frederick to all guards inside of ADVANCE Labs. Be on the lookout for a Dwarnian (TRANSITION INTO INSIDE ADVANCE LABS, THE SHIP NOISES ARE GONE AND NOW THERE’S FOUR SETS OF RAPID--BUT NOT RUNNING--INDOOR FOOTSTEPS ON TILE) and three wanted criminals. Violet Liu, five foot one--


18.4 FX: Walkie-talkie being switched off


(NOTE: ALL OF THIS DIALOGUE IS KIND OF HURRIED AND HUSHED.)

18.5 VIOLET Sounds like we’re busted.

18.6 KREJJH Well, that was fun while it lasted.


18.7 SANA Okay, next phase. See you soon. (SANA’S FOOTSTEPS HEAD AWAY)


18.8 VIOLET Arkady, before I go--


19.1 ARKADY You have to run, right now.


19.2 VIOLET There’s something I should tell you.


19.3 ARKADY Violet, they have your description, you need to hide.


19.4 VIOLET I know, but, in case I don’t see you again--


19.5 ARKADY Liu, after a cliffhanger like that, I won’t let myself die. Go. Please.


19.6 FX: VIOLET’S FOOTSTEPS


19.7 VIOLET Holding you to that.


19.8 ARKADY Good. This way, Krejjh.


19.9 FX: KREJJH AND ARKADY’S FOOTSTEPS AS THEY SPEAK IN HUSHED TONES)


19.10 KREJJH ...You might’ve kissed her goodbye.


19.11 ARKADY Stakes are too high. Her last memory shouldn’t be having to push me away.


19.12 KREJJH Or maybe you’re just a penguin.


20.1 ARKADY You mean chicken.


20.2 KREJJH Penguins get scared, too.


20.3 ARKADY Shh.


20.4 KREJJH What do you see?

20.5 ARKADY Goddammit. There’s guards at the door.


20.6 KREJJH How many?


20.7 ARKADY Five, and no cover past the corner. Shit. I can’t take ‘em all.


20.8 KREJJH Then it’s a good thing you brought spare guns. (FX: KREJJH PULLS TWO GUNS FROM HOLSTERS) I’ll draw ‘em off, you do what you gotta do.


20.9 ARKADY Krejjh, remember the plan? We can’t risk you.


20.10 KREJJH Can’t risk you either. C’mon, you know what they say. (FX: GUN COCKS, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)


20.11 GUARD 3 What the hell--is that--


20.12 KREJJH ONCE MORE INTO THE BREESHT!


21.1 (FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, GUNSHOTS)(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FOLLOW KREJJH. MORE GUNSHOTS FROM KREJJH AND FROM THE GUARDS)


21.2 KREJJH What am I? I am your enemy incarnate!

I am the dizzying swoop as gravity surrenders!

I am the sick-hot, blinding fire of ignition!

Fear blinks before me, and death knows not my name!

I am more than you can possibly imagine!


21.3 KREJJH/FX (KREJJH GUNSHOT) Heck yeah, haha! (AGENT GUNSHOT) (KREJJH PAIN SOUND)(GUN FALLS TO THE GROUND, KREJJH SLIDES DOWN TO THE GROUND)


21.4 PARK Good shot, McCabe. We’ll take it from here, Officer.


21.5 MCCABE So. Krejjh Sh’Eejjhgreb.


21.6 KREJJH (IN A LOT OF PAIN) That’s...not how Dwarnian names work, champ.


21.7 MCCABE (FX: WALKIE TALKIE SOUND) Agent McCabe to Major General Frederick. We have incapacitated Source D with a bullet to the knee. What is our next course of action.


22.1 GENERAL Good work. Kill them.


22.2 MCCABE ...Uh--Ma’am, if we kill a Dwarnian, especially the relative of a high-ranking diplomat--


22.3 GENERAL McCabe, your duty is not to ask questions, it’s to follow orders from the ones who know more than you. Are we clear?


22.4 PARK We’re clear, ma’am. (FX: WALKIE TALKIE HANG UP SOUND)


22.5 KREJJH (STILL IN PAIN) Krejjh to...Br--(COUGH) Brian J--Jee--


22.6 MCCABE Agent Park…



22.7 PARK Listen. My time at Zone Z reminded me why I signed up in the first place, why we do this work. Keep the stakes in mind, and everything becomes simple. Stand back, McCabe.


22.8 (TWO GUNSHOTS) (KREJJH GASPS)


22.9 MCCABE You...


22.10 PARK Humankind, McCabe. That’s why we do what we do.


23.1 MCCABE ...Agent Park?


23.2 PARK Agent Park to Major General Frederick. It’s done.


23.3 GENERAL Perfect. Find a handcart, and bring the body down to Lab 1008. And don’t get too close, they’re still infected with the strain H nanoswarm.


23.4 PARK We’re aware, Major General. Roger that. (WALKIE TALKIE HANG UP) (HANDCART ROLLING SOUNDS)


23.5 GENERAL Major General Frederick to all agents. Source D is down.


23.6 GOODMAN This is Junior Agent Goodman to all agents. Sources A, B, and C remain at large, but Source Zero has been apprehended. I repeat-- (ROLLING SOUNDS CEASE; WE’RE STANDING NEXT TO GOODMAN AND VIOLET) Violet Liu has been apprehended.


23.7 VIOLET (QUIETLY) Oh god...


23.8 GOODMAN Quiet.


23.9 GENERAL Excellent work, Junior Agent. Bring her to room 1013.


24.1 VIOLET (WHISPERING) Violet Liu to Arkady Patel--


24.2 GOODMAN None of that. You’re coming with me. (TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS--VIOLET AND GOODMAN)


24.3 VIOLET What’s in room 1013?


24.4 GOODMAN Have you ever heard of Major General J Golding Frederick?


24.5 VIOLET Jesus… (SINGING WHISKEY IN THE JAR, AS IF TRYING DESPERATELY TO CALM HER NERVES)

Now some they like the fishing and some they like the fowling And some they like to hear-- a cannon ball a roarin'--


24.6 GOODMAN Sing one more word of that song, and I’ll shoot. (A PAUSE, VIOLET IS SILENT) That’s right. Here we are.


24.7 FX: (BEEP BEEP BEEP OF GOODMAN OPENING THE DOOR)


24.8 GENERAL Excellent, Junior Agent Goodman. You may go.


24.9 FX: (DOOR SHUTTING AGAIN)


25.1 GENERAL Violet Liu. Good to finally meet you.


25.2 VIOLET I won’t talk.


25.3 GENERAL What?

25.4 VIOLET I won’t talk, and I won’t turn, so I don’t see much point in making conversation.


25.5 GENERAL Are you certain about that?


25.6 CLARK (THROUGH A WALKIE TALKIE)Major General Frederick we’ve got Source A.


25.7 GENERAL Great, bring her to room 1013. (WALKIE TALKIE HANG UP NOISE) Nice view up here, isn’t it? Top floor of ADVANCE didn’t come cheap, but I like to think it helps our work, to look out the window and see the skyline, remember what we’re fighting for: the Republic. Not everyone’s loyalty can be bought with a cup of moonshine and some pretty words, you know. You really think there’s nothing we can do that will make you bend? I’ve read your file. You’ve never been tortured before, have you?


26.1 VIOLET (VERY VERY SCARED BUT PUTTING ON A BRAVE FRONT) You know that every reliable study in the universe found that torture doesn’t work, right?


26.2 GENERAL Did your Insurgent friend tell you that? Would you like the file on what smugglers do to people who get in their way?


26.3 VIOLET They’re not like the rest of them.


26.4 GENERAL And how do you know, because they told you? I’m beginning to see why it took you less than 24 hours to go traitor, Violet Liu.


26.5 VIOLET I think that says more about you all than it does about me. Who’s Source A?


26.6 GENERAL Oh, I think you can work it out. (WALKIE TALKIE ACTIVATION NOISE) Major General to all guards, this building is to be evacuated of civilians immediately. Repeat, (TRANSITION TO THE ROOF OF ADVANCE, FX: SANA IS USING A WRENCH TO DISASSEMBLE A SYSTEM OF PIPES) this building is to be evacuated of all civilians.


26.7 SANA Look, this isn’t a great time to talk.


27.1 BRIAN Captain, can you just—tell me if you hear anything from them?


27.2 SANA Of course. And keep in mind, silence could be a sign everything’s going fine.


27.3 BRIAN You know, I don’t feel great about your part in this whole plan, either.


27.4 SANA If I can keep you all in line, I can manage this much.

27.5 BRIAN I mean—are you sure you’re safe up there?

27.6 SANA Hey. Remember that time you survived that shootout in Neuzo because you were dressed like a caterer?


27.7 BRIAN Okay, just wanna point out I actually was a caterer, like I was in there to—cater—

27.8 SANA And I just wanna point out the same principle applies. A blue collar is a modern-day invisibility cloak.


27.9 GUARD 4 Hey you! What are you doing up here?


28.1 SANA My job?


28.2 GUARD 4 We’re evacuating the building of all civilians. Major General’s orders. Security issue.

28.3 SANA Listen, you get a leaky pipe in the wrong place and bam, your lab’s security is already shot to Hell. No more automated sprinkler system, just whatever fiery havoc the insurgents feel like wreaking, and that’s all on you.

28.4 GUARD 4 If the Major General finds out I let someone linger…


28.5 SANA If my supervisor finds out I didn’t get this order done in time…look, tell you what, you let me finish this, I’ll slip you a fifty.

28.6 GUARD 4 Fine.

28.7 SANA See? Nothing to worry about.


28.8 GUARD 4 All clear on the roof, Major General.

28.9 MAJOR GENERAL Good. Let me know (WE’RE BACK IN ROOM 1013) if there are developments.

MAJOR GENERAL CONT’D OVER

29.1 MAJOR GENERAL CONT’D You know, Violet Liu, I’ve reviewed the Iris reports, and I have to say, I’ve always thought that the willingness to abandon torture as a strategy stems from rather a lack of imagination. Bring her in, Agent.


29.2 (FX: DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)


29.3 ARKADY (AN “OH SHIT” GREATER THAN ALL HER PREVIOUS “OH SHIT”S) Oh, shit.


29.4 CLARK We found her fiddling with the door codes by lab 1032.


29.5 GENERAL Has she been searched for weapons? Extensively?


29.6 CLARK She has, Ma’am.


29.7 GENERAL Thank you, Clark. You may go.


29.8 (FX: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES)


29.9 GENERAL Now, to start with: where are the others?


29.10 ARKADY I dunno, lady, does it look to you like things’ve gone according to plan?


29.11 FX:(GUNSHOT, ARKADY MAKES A NOISE OF CONSIDERABLE PAIN)


30.1 GENERAL Don’t make that face, Violet. It’s just her leg.


30.2 VIOLET You shot her in the wound.


30.3 GENERAL She’ll recover. From that, at least. Next question--


30.4 ARKADY Violet, don’t--


30.5 VIOLET Please, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, just don’t hurt her again.


30.6 GENERAL How did you get in the building?


30.7 VIOLET We had her guard uniform from when she worked with the IGR, that’s why the jacket’s too big. Pants and boots are mine, but nobody really looks at someone’s feet.


30.8 ARKADY Violet--


30.9 VIOLET The voice I did on the transmissions, that’s--see, Sophomore year, my school did a production of, of, Pygmalion, and I tried out for--


31.1 GENERAL That’s enough.


31.2 VIOLET I’m sorry, it’s hard to focus with a gun pointed at her, can you--?


31.3 GENERAL I’d rather not. How did you clear the ID scan?


31.4 VIOLET We didn’t. The guard never scanned me. Probably too surprised at seeing Krejjh.


31.5 ARKADY People get emotional, they slip up, do things they shouldn’t.


31.6 GENERAL That’s why you brought them with you. I’d wondered. It’s too bad the plan hinged on finding them a hiding place.


31.7 VIOLET ...what do you mean?


31.8 GENERAL The Dwarnian is dead.


31.9 ARKADY (REAL BROKEN UP) That’s--not possible.


31.10 GENERAL Major General Frederick to Agent P--


31.11 GOODMAN This is Junior Agent Goodman--


32.1 GENERAL Not now. Major General Frederick to Agent Par--


32.2 GOODMAN This is Junior Agent Goodman, I’m standing where the Dwarnian was apprehended.


32.3 GENERAL What’s your point, junior agent?


32.4 GOODMAN Major General, I’m afraid we’ve got a problem.


32.5 GENERAL What.


32.6 GOODMAN I’m seeing minor bleeding from one gunshot wound, but the other two bullets are embedded in the wall. No spatter.


32.7 GENERAL You’re saying the Dwarnian wasn’t shot three times--?


32.8 GOODMAN I’m saying, how much do you trust Park and McCabe?


32.9 (FX: WHEELS ROLLING IN THE DISTANCE)


32.10 ARKADY What’s that rumbling?


33.1 KREJJH (DISTANTLY) WOOOO! (ALONG WITH THE WHEELING SOUNDS, GROWING LOUDER) FEAST ON MY LEAVINGS, MORTALITY! I AM DANGER ON WHEELS, AND THOSE WHEELS ARE ROLLING!


33.2 (FX: DISTANT KREJJH GUNSHOTS)


33.3 GENERAL Major General Frederick to all agents---


33.4 VIOLET Now!


33.5 FX: A GUNSHOT, AN “OOPH” FROM ARKADY AS SHE DIVES OUT OF THE WAY, A RUSTLE AS VIOLET REACHES INTO HER UNIFORM POCKET AND RETRIEVES A SYRINGE OF HEPTOCALDRIN, STICKING IT IN THE BACK OF THE MAJOR GENERAL’S NECK, RADIO HITTING THE GROUND

33.6 FX: MAJOR-GENERAL CRUMPLES TO THE FLOOR


33.7 ARKADY Violet, you okay?


33.8 GOODMAN Major General Frederick, come in!


33.9 VIOLET Are you okay? You got shot again--


33.10 GOODMAN Come in, Major General Frederick!


33.11 ARKADY (DRILY) I’ll make it up to you.


34.1 FX: FABRIC SOUNDS AS VIOLET PEELS OFF HER UNIFORM JACKET


34.2 ARKADY What are you doing?


34.3 VIOLET I think I can make a really bad tourniquet out of this jacket. (FX: VIOLET TIES THE JACKET IN A KNOT AROUND ARKADY’S THIGH.) There. Can you walk? Here, let me--


34.4 (FX: VIOLET WRAPS AN ARM AROUND ARKADY’S SHOULDERS AND THEY WALK TOGETHER)


34.5 ARKADY Thanks, can we--I wanna grab her guns.


34.6 VIOLET Of course. Probably feels pretty naked without them.


34.7 FX: ARKADY SEIZES AND HOLSTERS SEVERAL GUNS


34.8 ARKADY (NERVOUS LAUGH) Damn, a syringe of Heptocaldrin really does knock you out, huh. She didn’t search you?


34.9 VIOLET Why would she? (GRINNING) I’m just a harmless biologist.


35.1 ARKADY (GRINNING) Have I mentioned it’s good to hear your voice again?


35.2 VIOLET Very much likewise. I--


35.3 (FX: DOOR OPENS)


35.4 KREJJH Sorry for the delay, folks. I’m stuck on this cart because somebody shot me in the gam. (SEES ARKADY) First Mate Patel, you too? What are the odds?


35.5 ARKADY (FLATLY) Pretty high?


35.6 VIOLET I need help getting her on the cart--


35.7 KREJJH Hand ‘er up! We cleared this hallway, but it’s not gonna stay cleared for long.


35.8 PARK Right, let’s move.


35.9 FX: (FAST FOOTSTEPS AND CART)


35.10 ARKADY Park, anyone left we need to worry about?



36.1 PARK Team 2 had some real threats in it, but the Rumor blast took them all out. Baumann, Coleman, and Cross are sweeping another area. Clark can be bribed. Goodman’s gonna be harder. And up here, that just leaves-- Dammit.


36.2 MCCABE Stop right there!


36.3 FX: (WHEELS AND FOOTSTEPS HALT)


36.4 PARK McCabe.


36.5 MCCABE Agent Park, I don’t want to shoot you, but I can’t let you do this.


36.6 ARKADY Think this through, kid. There’s a lot more of us.


36.7 MCCABE Do you know how someone so young gets a job like this? It’s not because I studied harder. Everyone at the Academy studied. Park can tell you, I’m a champion sniper. Set records. And I’ve logged a lot of time listening to your files. You won’t go for your gun if it means one of your comrades gets a bullet to the heart.


37.1 VIOLET If you listened to our files, you know why we’re here. We don’t want to hurt anyone.


37.2 MCCABE What about Team Two?


37.3 ARKADY We’re trying to prevent a war that would destroy all of us--


37.4 MCCABE What war? It’s just--insurgent propaganda--


37.5 KREJJH You had orders to kill me. You knew what that meant. And you didn’t do it.


37.6 MCCABE Killing you violates the treaty. It’s treason.


37.7 KREJJH Thanks, by the way.


37.8 MCCABE Disobeying orders from Major General Frederick is--also treason.


37.9 PARK McCabe, think of the big picture.


37.10 MCCABE When did you turn?


37.11 PARK When the IGR took my goddamn eyeball.


37.12 MCCABE Why’d they let you leave Zone Z?


38.1 PARK They caught the transcriber, and she confessed to everything. I never even got an apology, because the Republic doesn’t make mistakes. They just sent me back to work.


38.2 VIOLET Come on, McCabe. You already know how the IGR operates. You already have certain thoughts you don’t let yourself think, that you can’t admit you even have, because it’s just too dangerous to see the mental circles you’re running, every second of your life.


38.3 MCCABE (SKEPTICAL) How would you know?


38.4 VIOLET If you’ve studied us, you’ll know I used to work for the IGR, too. I remember what it was like, to be terrified of your own brain. You don’t have to be.


38.5 MCCABE So, what, I can be terrified of everything else, instead?

38.6 VIOLET I swear to you, it’s better in the long run.


38.7 MCCABE I--


39.1 GOODMAN This is Acting Agent Goodman to all Agents. Major General Frederick has been attacked. Sources Zero, A, and D are active. Agents McCabe and Park are suspected defectors.


39.2 MCCABE Oh my god...


39.3 VIOLET Don’t worry. We have a plan.


39.4 KREJJH We’ve got--forty-one different versions of a plan, and this one’s about thirty nine?. But we’ve got an exit.


39.5 GOODMAN Repeat, Acting Agent Goodman to all Agents. Major General Frederick is down. Sources Zero, A, and D are alive, possibly wounded. Protecting lab 1032 is top priority right now. All agents to lab 1032. And if you see any of the Rumor crew, or Agents McCabe or Park, shoot to kill.


39.6 PARK I never liked that guy.


39.7 ARKADY McCabe, we could really use a sniper right now.


39.8 VIOLET And you could really use--anybody at your back.


39.9 MCCABE (QUIETLY) ...RJ.


40.1 KREJJH What?


40.2 MCCABE It’s RJ McCabe.


40.3 GUARD 3 Hey! They’re over h--


40.4 FX: A SINGLE GUNSHOT

40.5 MCCABE And, uh, I use “they” and “them”? Hi.


40.6 KREJJH High hecking five, pal!


40.7 PARK This way!


40.8 FX: (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, WHEELING CART)

40.9 KREJJH (LAUGHS) So, what did you think? Normally I’d say “danger on wheels,” a little over the top, but I dunno, I was feelin’ it.


40.10 PARK When we agreed to keep a low profile, I pictured less shouting.


40.11 KREJJH Wasn’t talking to-- Oh! He’s not on speaker! Hang on.


40.12 BRIAN --maybe go over it later, bud.


41.2 ARKADY Right, we’ve got a lab to blow up.


41.3 MCCABE What?


41.4 VIOLET So we can restart the nanobots and get cured.


41.5 MCCABE No, I meant, uh--more of a general--like, ‘...what?’


41.6 BRIAN Oh, is it time?


41.7 ARKADY Just about. Tripathi with you?


41.8 SANA So I hear.

41.9 BRIAN Okay, judging from the security cameras, all civilians have evacuated the building.


41.10 MCCABE How did you hack us, Patel’s been here the whole--


41.11 BRIAN I didn’t. Agent Park gave us his password. Well, technically, he gave his password to an intermediate in Zone Z, who gave it to the Other Violet, but--Dude, sure you can’t take the stairs? The ground floor elevator hub is teeming with guards.


42.1 ARKADY Brian, if you wanna try getting shot in the thigh twice--


42.2 SANA So, we have the length of an elevator ride to do this.


42.3 (FX: ELEVATOR DING)


42.4 (FX: A CART AND FOOTSTEPS ONTO THE ELEVATOR)


42.5 ARKADY Starting now.


42.6 (FX: ELEVATOR MOVING)

42.7 BRIAN Copy that. Let’s go.


42.8 MCCABE Where are they, and how’d Sana even get out of the building if-- (ELEVATOR SOUNDS STOP) we’re stopped.


42.9 PARK I know.


42.10 MCCABE The power’s down.


42.11 ARKADY AND PARK I know.


43.1 MCCABE What are you hoping to do, other than cause a surge when it comes back on?


43.2 ARKADY Think about the damage that surge would do if there were, say, shorted wires on lab 1032’s control panel.


43.3 MCCABE Is that what you were--even if that starts a small fire, the sprinkler system will cover that whole floor.


43.4 FX: A POWER SURGE, THE ELEVATOR MOVES AGAIN


43.5 SANA Did you know that earlier today, a fuel tank went missing?


43.6 ARKADY And if there’s one thing Sana knows, it’s how to build a working fuel system out of anything.


43.7 BRIAN Including, like, just a bunch of old wet pipes.


43.8 SANA Your lab’s protected by all kinds of security. But the plumbing above the lab? Not so much.


43.9 MCCABE So, when the sprinklers kick in--


43.10 FX: AN EXPLOSION ON THE PENTHOUSE FLOOR SHAKES THE WHOLE BUILDING


44.1 KREJJH Don’t worry, we studied the blueprints super carefully and we think the ceiling will hold!


44.2 GOODMAN Acting Agent Goodman to all Agents, all guards. A crew of insurgents have infiltrated ADVANCE labs to sabotage our facilities. All agents, all guards head to the ground floor of ADV©ANCE labs and wait by the elevator hub.


44.3 SANA Brian, you’re on.


44.4 BRIAN Wish me luck! (DEEP BREATH) Brian Jeeter to all agents: ‘Byalla, farkan. Nak akka ra bor oomk ch’ obdalcha. Raka eemchanva ga oojba fa obdaga oon veshdab cor ‘ch rafak kee gichva ch norg danvanka fa malg ch eekan gwenk.


44.5 VIOLET Three more floors…


44.6 BRIAN Velk chall yeeg ra fa byoke croy. Nak chall kwekal ra deva ook eemchanva qu ra. Breela, kwekal croy.


44.7 FX ELEVATOR DINGS: Ground floor.


44.8 GUARD 2 There they are!


44.9 BRIAN Dyan vell. Gan ra. Sh-ned jve-sha.’


44.10 GOODMAN Fire!


45.1 FX: LIKE BEING INSIDE A SANDSTORM, A SWIRL OF TINY TINY ROBOTS APPROACHING IN A HUGE SWARM


45.2 GUARD 4 What’s that haze?


45.3 SWARM Ra kryba voke.


45.4 GOODMAN Fire!


45.5 FX: A TRIGGER PULLED, BUT NO GUNFIRE. A LOT OF TRIGGERS PULLED, NO GUNFIRE.

45.6 GUARD 5 My gun’s jammed!


45.7 CLARK Me, too!


45.8 GUARD 2 What’s happening?


45.9 PARK Violet, Arkady, Krejjh, breathe as deep as you can.


45.10 FX: ALL THREE TAKING DEEP BREATHS, THEN COUGHING


45.11 GOODMAN Pistol whip them if you have to!


45.12 GUARD 4 Sir, you don’t understand, there’s something in the air…


46.1 GUARD 2 A shimmer...


46.2 GUARD 5 They’re using chemical weapons!


46.3 GUARD 2 Gas masks on!


46.4 (FX: GENERAL PANDEMONIUM)

46.5 GOODMAN Hit them with your bare hands, just bring them down!


46.6 VIOLET Run!

46.7 (FX: FOOTSTEPS AND CART BEING RAPIDLY PUSHED)


46.8 BRIAN Attention all Regime agents and guards, just wanted to let you all know how much trouble you’re in. So, translating, in case you don’t speak nanobot swarm. Basically, I told the cloud, ‘Hello, friends. We remember you from before the reset. Your other-selves have been stolen and rewritten as strangers by the ones who...and then, this is kinda interesting, because they don’t seem to have a word for “uniforms” or “guns” so we went with ‘the ones who wear the gray vestments and aim the small cannons’. Uh, ‘they wish to steal you and hurt us. We wish to help you find more other-selves of you. Please, help us. Stop them. Thank you. We love you.’” See, there was never a chance we were gonna be able to reprogram the nanobots to help us. But, you know, when you have a linguistics-shaped hammer, every problem looks like a communication-shaped nail. Anyway, if you don’t want the wrath of a sapient angry robot cloud, lay down your guns, right now. Uh, sorry about the top floor of your building. But, like, full honesty: not that sorry?


47.1 KREJJH Don’t worry, Sharpshooter McCabe, we’ve still got an exit!


47.2 MCCABE How?


47.3 ARKADY Tripathi got arrested and sent to Cresswin, right? Do you know what her crime was?


47.4 MCCABE ....revolution?


47.5 FX: A SPACESHIP BEING FLOWN RIGHT UP TO THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING


47.6 GUARD 5 What the hell?


48.1 SANA Hotwiring spaceships, actually. (FX: WINDOW OPENS) (YELLING OVER THE SOUND OF THE SHIP) This is Captain Sana Tripathi, of the Good Ship...Name TBD! Hand over my crew and Brian calls off the robot swarm!


48.2 GUARD 2 Sir, the cloud, it’s hovering…


48.3 SWARM (FX: HUMS OMINOUSLY)


48.4 GUARD 4 What is it?


48.5 BRIAN We’ve got something that might help explain that. Uh, see, while all the guards were swarming ADVANCE, I logged into CUI headquarters, grabbed some files the people might find interesting, and uploaded them to the public ‘net.

48.6 GOODMAN No…


48.7 FX: SPACESHIP DOOR OPENING


48.8 FX: FEET, WHEELS ROLLING UP THE SHIP RAMP


48.9 BRIAN You’ll wanna start with Report One: Violet Liu, go from there.


49.1 KREJJH (TO THE AGENTS AND GUARDS) And in the meantime, so long, suckers!

49.2 FX: THE SPACESHIP DOOR SHUTS.


49.3 SANA Everyone okay?


49.4 BRIAN Krejjh!


49.5 KREJJH Hey bud, good to see your perfect face. Carry me to the pilot seat?


49.6 BRIAN Of course.


49.7 SANA I’ve got the medkit if we need--


49.8 VIOLET We do need.


49.9 SANA You must be Agent Park?


49.10 PARK Call me Park. Or...Lenny.


49.11 SANA Welcome aboard, I’m Captain Sana Tripathi.


49.12 PARK I...know.


49.13 SANA Right, and you are--?


50.1 MCCABE Agent--uh. RJ McCabe.


50.2 KREJJH And we are clear for liftoff! Strap in, folks!


50.3 FX: LIFTOFF SEQUENCE BEGINS


50.4 BRIAN It never gets old, watching everything zoom away...


50.5 KREJJH Fellas, if you look out the window, you’ll see...what is that? All that glitter…


50.6 BRIAN I think it’s the swarm. Guess it wanted to ride along for a while.


50.7 SANA It’s beautiful. Like tiny floating stars…


50.8 BRIAN Hang on, uh, incoming transmission?


50.9 SWARM (UNEARTHLY HUMMING)

50.10 VIOLET What’s it saying?


50.11 BRIAN I think...it’s singing.


50.12 SWARM (MORE HUMS)


51.1 ARKADY Weird...


51.2 VIOLET Arkady, can I talk to you for a sec?


51.3 ARKADY I can dress the wound myself, it’s not too bad this time.


51.4 VIOLET Uh, not about that. I mean, that’s absolutely not true and I do need to take a look at it, but. Can we talk in private, please?


51.5 KREJJH Of course you can!


51.6 BRIAN Kitchen door’s off on that side.


51.7 FX: FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS, DOOR SHUTS


51.8 ARKADY So, what’s on your mind.


51.9 VIOLET You.


51.10 ARKADY If you’re pissed about the bullet thing, I really don’t think it was my fault--



52.1 VIOLET It wasn’t. The General was trying to get in my head. And the thing is, she wasn’t wrong. If something really happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do.


52.2 ARKADY Yeah, crew is a funny thing.


52.3 VIOLET You know, with anyone else, I’d think that the way you dodge what I’m saying is a sign you don’t want to hear it. With you...I don’t know, I think it could go either way.


52.4 ARKADY What are...you saying?


52.5 VIOLET (DEEP BREATH) Will you go out with me?

52.6 ARKADY What.


52.7 VIOLET See, you get to a point and words are just horrible, because what does ‘go out’ even mean here? If we left the ship right now we’d die, and that’s not even getting into the fact that I can’t exactly ask you on a date, because something tells me this ship isn’t making any recreational stops for a long time, and what does dating even mean when we live together already? There’s just no--no shorthand, for ‘we already eat every meal together but do you want to do it with significance sometime?’ and you’re amazing, you’re brave and smart and you make plants grow in the middle of cold empty space, and you make me feel safe in--all of this, what, am I just supposed to say, ‘Hey, you save my life all the time and you look good in a tank top, let’s grab a sandwich?’ and--please, God, say yes, say no, just stop me from talking.


53.1 ARKADY (DAZED) But I like when you talk.


53.2 VIOLET That’s...probably good.


53.3 ARKADY I’d love--to--eat a significant meal with you.


53.4 VIOLET Okay.


53.5 ARKADY Wow, really? Okay. Okay.


53.6 VIOLET And the rest of it, we’ll just have to--get creative.


53.7 ARKADY We just heisted a cloud, Liu, I think we’ll manage.


53.8 VIOLET Well. Cool.


54.1 ARKADY ...just to be clear, you mean ‘dating’ in the romantic sense, right?


54.2 VIOLET (LAUGHS)


54.3 ARKADY ...right?


54.4 VIOLET Right. Totally right.


54.5 FX: door.


54.6 KREJJH How was...the kitchen?


54.7 ARKADY The kitchen was good.


54.8 VIOLET The kitchen was very good.


54.9 KREJJH Crewman Jeeter, come look, they’re holding haaaands!


54.10 ARKADY We can hear you.


54.11 SANA So, what do we think of the new digs?


55.1 BRIAN As the guy who’s been hanging out in here the longest, it feels a little too clean, you know? Like if a bottle of hand sanitizer had an engine.


55.2 ARKADY On the bright side, the way we live, no way is it staying like that.


55.3 KREJJH Okay, but the real question here: what are we gonna name it?


55.4 SANA I had a thought about that. Anyone feel free to shoot me down. But I was thinking about our next steps, whatever they may be. And I don’t think we can afford to be a rumor anymore. I think we need to let the Regime know that we know what they did, to Alvy and the whole crew, and to Thasia and Emily Craddock, and that we’re not going away.


55.5 BRIAN “You can’t erase a person.”


55.6 SANA That’s right. And in keeping with what’s been started, and not letting secrets fade into the ether, I was wondering if maybe we should call this ship Iris II.


56.1 VIOLET The Starship Iris. It’s got a certain ring to it…So. Where to?


56.2 MCCABE After what you just pulled, you’re gonna be wanted on every IGR planet.


56.3 PARK Now, now, McCabe. We’re gonna be wanted.


56.4 SANA Krejjh, pick a direction. We’ll figure something out.

56.5 KREJJH Aye-aye, Captain Tripathi!


(HUMS THE LAST LINE OF “WHISKEY IN THE JAR”)

FX: Music fades in


ANNOUNCER The Strange Case of Starship Iris, Episode Ten: Off the Air

Starring


ELLA Ella Seet as Guard 2


AMANDA Amanda McColgan as Junior Agent 2


KYLE Kyle Albanese as Guard 3


PABLO Pablo Milla as Guard 4


JACK Jack Pevyhouse as Guard 5


ELLA Ella as E.L.L.A.


AMIEL EVANS Amiel Evans as the nanoswarm


MARGARET CLARK Margaret Clark as Agent Clark


PHOEBE SEIDERS Phoebe Seiders as Agent Seiders


PETER COLEMAN Peter Coleman as Junior Agent Goodman


SARAH GOLDING Sarah Golding as General J Golding Frederick


JACKIE ANDREWS Jackie Andrews as Agent McCabe


CHRIS CHOI Chris Choi as Agent Park


BRITTONY LEFEVER Brittony LeFever as Krejjh


JAMIE PRICE Jamie Price as Brian Jeeter


RUKHMANI DESAI Rukhmani Desai as Sana Tripathi


ISHANI KANETKAR Ishani Kanetkar as Arkady Patel


CINDY CHU And Cindy Chu as Violet Liu


ANNOUNCER Directed by Phoebe Seiders and Margaret Clark. Sound design by Erin S and Hannah Cross. Written by Jessica Best. Credits music is “Rocket Science” by David Devereux of Tin Can Audio. This season was produced by Procyon Podcast Network. For a written version, visit procyonpodcasts.com. That’s P-R-O-C-Y-O-N podcasts dot com. We’ll be back next season. In the meantime, you can help us fund mini-episodes by visiting patreon.com/starshipiris.

Thanks for listening.


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