ELLA
The Strange Case of Starship Iris, Episode 5.5: Interlude
SANA
Iris 2 to Shuttle One. Currently a six days’ flight from Mirzakhani. Conditions good on our end. Sana Tripathi out.
KREJJH
Shuttle One to the Iris 2. Currently four days from Mloss Thlaylanch. Flight conditions excellent. Krejjh out.
SANA
Iris 2 to Shuttle One. Five days from Mirzakhani. Flight conditions moderate. We miss you. And Arkady and Brian. Sana Tripathi out.
KREJJH
Shuttle One to Iris 2. Three days from Mloss Thaylanch, and we miss the whole entire heck out of you and Science Officer Liu and Sharpshooter McCabe.
Looks like a couple hours of smooth sailing up ahead. For us, I mean. Not the “all of us” us. The not-you us, the us that builds a little clubhouse and plonks you down outside it, whether anyone wants you there or not. Same word, opposite feeling. English pronouns, my fellas. I got some notes.
Not sure when you’re getting this. I guess there’s no real point in staying on the line. But Crewman Jeeter’s got his recording and First Mate Patel is taking the world’s grumpiest nap and I have got a fully working transmission system. As far as I know. (NEWSCASTER) So expect regular updates throughout tonight, listeners. Krejjh out.
KREJJH
Shuttle One to Iris 2. I’ve had a song stuck in my head for the past hour, the one that goes, like, (STARTS TO SINGING “THE ENTERTAINER”) (GETS VERY INTO IT)
So, if anyone wants to drop me a line and tell me what it’s called, or if you feel like harmonizing, I’ve worked out a nifty little second line and I think they’d fit together. Krejjh out.
KREJJH
Shuttle One to Iris 2.
This ship’s computers come loaded with a whole dang bunch of interactive educational modules, so I just wanna respectfully point out that we had been flying around for weeks with six, count ‘em, six humans on board, and not a one of you told me about a little old Earth phenomena called dinosaurs?
Iguanodon. Giraffatitan. Dryosaurus. Herbivores.
Shame. Shame.
Krejjh out.
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KREJJH
Shuttle One to all crew on the Iris Two.
KREJJH AND BRIAN
(SINGING THE ENTERTAINER TOGETHER)
STATIC
SANA
Sana Tripathi to Arkady Patel. Hey Kady, we got all of Krejjh’s messages, glad to hear it was easy flying for you all. Hope it still is. I’m holding up alright, although if I’m honest, it’s weird piloting this huge spacecraft with only three crew members rattling around. Ships are meant to be full of people, and I don’t think the Iris 2 loves being half-empty.
Still, you know. Brave face for the crew we’ve got. I know you think I overdo that, but it matters. There’s lines you don’t cross. They don’t need to hear how tired I am.
Listen to me, complaining. I’ve got the autopilot fixed, there’s some good news. We’re four days from Mirzakhani. Let us know when you reach Mloss Thlaylanch. (SIGNIFICANTLY) Let all of us know. Sana Tripathi out.
STATIC
BRIAN
Brian Jeeter to RJ McCabe. Hey dude, just checking in, wanted to know where you’re at on Sh’th Hremreh. (HYPED) There’s a certain episode late in the season where--agh, I dunno, you’ll know it when you get there. Uh, Brian Jeeter out.
MCCABE
RJ McCabe to Brian Jeeter. I’M THERE. The scene! The swordfight! I know it’s not technically a sword but you know what I mean! The Declaration!
Call me back as soon as possible. RJ McCabe out.
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SANA
Sana Tripathi to Brian Jeeter.
Brian, you wouldn’t happen to know why McCabe has been alternating between laughing and crying for about half a day, would you? Do I need to start watching Sh’th Hremreh? Thanks! Sana Tripathi out.
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BRIAN
Brian Jeeter to Sana Tripathi.
Uh, yes and yes, dude! Brian Jeeter out.
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VIOLET
Hi Arkady! Sorry I haven’t gotten in touch sooner. Our flying conditions have been a little rocky, nothing too bad. I think the Captain’s pretty stressed, but hopefully that’s just about getting the autopilot sorted out.
It feels very weird to have a pen pal again. I used to try--um, after we moved off-planet, my parents thought it was important to maintain some connection with Earth, so I used to do pen pal programs, sending videos or audio back and forth. Hopefully I’ll be better this time. I tended to overthink it, believe it or not.
Send me a message when you can. I knew I’d feel this way but I’m surprised how much I miss (CHICKENING OUT) everyone. (CHICKENING BACK IN) Especially you. Something about being in the dark away from everything makes me wish I could cuddle someone. You probably think that word is ridiculous. I miss holding you, how’s that? I miss holding you, or being held, and not having to focus on anything else. I’ve never really had that before.
I swear, I wouldn’t even care if you tucked your absolutely freezing toes between my feet. I miss them, too.
(TO HERSELF) “I miss your toes,” really Vi? Um, does this have an erase funct-- (DEFEATED, RESIGNED) no, it does not.
Okay then. No pressure, but reply when you can. I won’t overthink it if you don’t. Clearly. (RESIGNED, BUT NOW A LITTLE AMUSED) I miss your toes. Violet Liu out.
MCCABE
RJ McCabe to Jin Seon Par--computer, cancel call.
KREJJH
(CHOKED UP) Shuttle One to the Iris 2, I have just been informed that dinosaurs--went extinct about 65 million years ago. If anyone has got some more bad news to deliver, please gimme a minute.
Pour one out for dinosaurs. Krejjh out.
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VIOLET
Violet Liu to Arkady Patel.
I thought you’d like to know that ever since the Captain got the autopilot going, she’s been working on putting together another foldable greenhouse. We still don’t quite know where on Mirzakhani we’re headed, but assuming we land someplace we can do a thorough resupply, are there any plants you want for sure?
Anyway. Tell Krejjh to check out the articles I forwarded them on birds, and not to mourn the end of dinosaurs until they’ve been chased across a park by an angry Canadian goose. Tell them all of that, Arkady. Violet Liu out.
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KREJJH
Krejjh to Violet Liu. Please send me everything you have ever seen about GOOSES. Krejjh out.
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ARKADY
(FX: ALIEN-SOUNDING MUSIC DISTANT IN THE BACKGROUND) Arkady Patel to Sana Tripathi. We’re landed. Very tired. Give everyone my love. (PANIC) Not love-love! But not not love-love! Uh, tell them I said hi. Arkady Patel out.
STATIC
VIOLET
Violet Liu to Arkady Patel. Um, hey, sorry to call you three times in a row. This is not me pressuring you to call me, but Captain Tripathi says you’ve landed and I just wanted to know what Mloss Thlaylanch is like. I’ve never been comfortable asking Krejjh to describe it because, y’know, obvious sore spot, but I have so many questions about the flora and fauna there. Can you take pictures? If you have time.
Not much else to report over here. Still headed to some unknown area of Mirzakhani. If you get to explore a Dwarnian wetland, please tell me all about it. I’m sure you’re all really busy, getting the lay of the land and everything, not to mention keeping Krejjh and Brian safe, but if you get a second, I’d love to hear from you, and--
You know what? Actually, I think. This is something I’m asking for. It’s doing some very not-fun things to my anxiety to leave you messages and not get a message back. So if--
Look, call me. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I miss you. Violet Liu out.
STATIC
FX: WE’RE ON A TRAIN. IT’S AN ALIEN SPACE-TRAIN IF THAT HELPS.
ARKADY
Arkady Patel to Violet Liu.
Sorry about the noise. We’re on the train to the heart of the capitol city right now, which I’m not even gonna try to pronounce. Krejjh and Brian are in the observation deck, so I should have a little bit of goddamn time to myself.
Uh, hey, I know I’ve been a shit penpal, and I’m sorry. Things’ve been wild since we landed. Krejjh keeps thinking of more old places they need to see. Apparently, the train line holds some kind of special something.
For the greenhouse: mint. Basil. Hot peppers would be incredible, any kind. Succulents if they’ve got some. Thanks for thinking of it.
I’ll try to get some good pictures. Mostly, just imagine more green than you’ve seen in your life, and double it. I think you’d like it here. I think I’d like it here, if you were here.
Full honesty? Part of the reason it’s been hard to leave you messages: it’s weird listening to you, hearing the words you say just floating out there, unattached to anybody. Like how we met, just a voice in the darkness.
Somebody’d probably say it’s supposed to be romantic, reliving the beginning, but I’m thinking most relationships don’t start with a death scare and hardcore identity fraud. It freaked me out, how scared I got that you might not get into that pod. I think life used to matter to me less. Which makes about half my job way goddamn harder, but that’s not your problem.
I, uh, I’ve been listening to your music lately. Even the bands I normally give you shit about. Maybe especially those. Great, it’s been what, six days, and I’m already getting creepy.
FX: TRAIN DOORS SLIDE OPEN. TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS IN.
BRIAN
Who’s creepy?
KREJJH
(DELIGHTED) Are you talking to Science Officer Liu?
ARKADY
Yeah, so, more later--
KREJJH
Nonono, keep her on the line!
ARKADY
She’s not on the line--
KREJJH
Tell her we’re famous! Tell her you’re famous!
ARKADY
What?
BRIAN
The Whisper has a whole article on us. With pictures.
ARKADY
It should be illegal to look yourself up on Dwarnian gossip sites.
KREJJH
And yet like the dangerous rogues we are, we continue to flout the law! Read it, Crewman Jeeter!
BRIAN
My modern Dwarnian’s a little rusty?
KREJJH
If by rusty you mean hilarious.
BRIAN
I’ll do my best. “A, uh, something characteristic of an egg--an egglike thing--”
ARKADY
A what?
KREJJH
Uh, bud, in this case, it means a mystery.
BRIAN
Oh, like in the sense of an unhatched something?
KREJJH
I mean, I guess. But the accent color means it’s a good one. Something juicy.
BRIAN
(READING AND TRANSLATING) “A Juicy Mystery: Who Is That, uh, Enigmatic Noble? By the Daily Whisper. Krejjh, whose many scandalous exploits need no introduction, and their human lover Translator Jeeter--
ARKADY
Ew.
BRIAN
What?
ARKADY
“Lover.”
BRIAN
“One who loves”?
ARKADY
It’s a gross word to call somebody.
KREJJH
(THIS IS AN OLD RANT) Really? Grosser than “sweetheart”? Or “sugar”? Or “honey”? Is it really so surprising we thought you all were cannibals for a while?
BRIAN
“And their human romantic partner, Translator Jeeter, have been spotted in the company of an unknown human with fascinating, hm, eye adornments who goes by Duchess Calpurnia Higginsworth-Cobb.”
Arkady, why.
ARKADY
The reporter was in my face, they didn’t deserve the truth.
KREJJH
Yeah, but First Mate Patel, you do, uh, realize how that’s gonna play.
ARKADY
What?
BRIAN
(IN A TONE OF “I TOLD YOU SO”) “Although not yet officially carved--”
KREJJH
(CORRECTING GENTLY) Confirmed--
BRIAN
“--confirmed, this noble background would certainly make Duchess Calpurnia Higginsworth-Cobb a valuable third to such a ragtag would-be emreh, and the duchess’s smolderingly protective behavior towards Krejjh and Translator Jeeter certainly would support such,” uh…”fish...bullying”? (“HELP ME”) Krejjh?
KREJJH
Gossip.
BRIAN
Doesn’t “jorssjay” refer to waterlife?
KREJJH
Yeah, it’s an expression.
BRIAN
Okay, I’m sorry, but I need to know how they got from A to B on that one. Need it like air, and I’m saying that as a guy who hauls around an oxygen machine.
KREJJH
(VERY AMUSED) Welcome to the emreh, cutie-bear! Don’t worry, Science Officer Liu, you can come, too!
ARKADY
Oh my god, Violet! Violet, I’m so sorry about this whole message. Uh, I promise not to actually get alien-married to these chuckleheads. Oh my god. Uh, Arkady Patel out.
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VIOLET
Violet Liu to Brian Jeeter.
(AMUSED) Hey Brian, if you get some downtime, can you send me a translation of the full article?
Thanks!
Violet Liu out.
STATIC
ELLA
The Strange Case of Starship Iris, Episode 5.5: Interlude. Starring:
RUKHMANI
Rukhmani Desai as Sana Tripathi
BRITTONY
Brittony LeFever as Krejjh
JAMIE
Jamie Price as Brian Jeeter
CINDY
Cindy Chu as Violet Liu
ISHANI
Ishani Kanetkar as Arkady Patel
JACKIE
Jackie Andrews as RJ McCabe
ELLA
Ella Whomersley as ELLA
ERIN
Sound design, mixing, and editing by Hannah Cross and Erin Baumann
RACHEL
DIrected by Rachel Kellum
JESS
Written by Jessica Best
Ending credits music is “Rocket Science” by David Devereux of Tin Can Audio.