1. SHOULDA GOT DELIVERY

SOUND: SHOP DOOR OPENS WITH A DING. WE'RE IN A SMALL TAKEOUT PIZZA PARLOUR. FAINT KITCHEN AND OTHER VOICES CHATTER IN THE BACKDROP.

KATE

Uh, excuse me, I have a pickup order for Cunningham? Two medium pizzas, one pepperoni, one--

RILEY

Oh my god, Kate?

KATE

(FUCK.)

...oh. Riley. Heyyyyyyyy.

RILEY

Whitney said you were back in town!

KATE

Yeah. I bet she did.

How've you been?

RILEY

Good! So busy, you know?

KATE

Oh, yeah? Is pizza really having a moment in Kamloops?

RILEY

It's... pizza.

KATE

Right. I guess that kinda sells itself.

RILEY

I meant I'm taking a full load of summer classes.

KATE

Oh, gross. I'm sorry.

RILEY

No, it's all good. I miss the beach, but my advisor thinks I'll only have back part time for the fall semester to get my degree.

KATE

Wow, that soon?

RILEY

Yeah, pretty--

KATE

Horrible?

RILEY

(OVERLAPPING) Great, right? I'm so ready to be out of that place.

KATE

Really? Whitney always made it sound like you liked studying... uh, hmm...

RILEY

Environmental science is great, but I want to actually get out in the field, you know? See the real world?

KATE

Yeah. That thing. Hear it's great.

RILEY

What about you?

KATE

Me?

RILEY

Are you thinking about moving back once you graduate?

KATE

Once I graduate. A thing I am definitely thinking about.

RILEY

I know Victoria's cool, but it's so expensive, right? Or did Whitney already convince you to move to Toronto?

KATE

(STARTING TO TOUCH THE VOID)

She's moving there...?

RILEY

I mean, she hasn't said anything, but every time we talk it sounds like she'd marry it if she could. Total love story. We're probably never getting her back.

Anyway, sorry, you didn't say -- what are you doing these days?

KATE

Um.

...could I pay for this in cash?

2. NEW EPISODE

(STANDARD INTERNET AMBIANCE - A LIGHT ECHO ON VOICES, SOUNDS OF FAINT CHATTER IN A VAST SPACE)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Tuesday, June 2

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Holy shit we're going to fairyland. Please tell me someone else is watching this episode live.

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Selkirk personality quiz: When sent to retrieve a lost wildlife photographer from a group of drug-running fairies do you bring:

A: A box of Cliff bars, three kinds of trail mix, two kinds of chips, an entire party sub from the grocery store and also your weed stash.

B: A bear bell, an axe, binoculars, water purification tablets and a bunch of iron horseshoes you kind of stole from a group of senior citizens in the park.

Or

C: Cigarettes, a refillable lighter and a tranquilizer gun you definitely stole from you new co-worker when she was trying to con the Selkirk Ringers Club.

SOUND: NEW POST

ELLA

Oh, loved that image of the team stepping through the half-collapsed barn and the abandoned field behind it lighting up green. I have to give the production team kudos for making a field of marijuana look ethereal.

Speaking of, if standard fae rules are in play -- as they seem to be, based on Garrett's insistence they bring their own food -- what's happening to all the people who've used fairy marijuana back in the mortal world? Does the binding effect only apply to the items consumed in the fae realm -- or maybe only substances with... nutritional value? I don't know...

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Hella--enchanted, maybe you're only bound to fairyland if you eat the magic brownies.

Who knew smoking could be the reasonable choice?

SOUND: NEW POST

ELLA

ACunningPlan, I don't think either of us knows enough about weed to have this conversation, but now I'm going to have to write a werewolf AU spinoff where Garrett sniffs out a fairy kidnapping plot by discovering they've replaced the brownies in the coffee shop with some, ahem, special editions.

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

I regret nothing.

SOUND: NEW POST

ELLA

As we wait through the longest commercial break of all time, some observations and predictions:

One: Whatever is killing mortals in Selkirk is also attacking fae folk who leave their compound, but none of the deaths have taken place inside fairyland's borders. It seems likely we're dealing with a different type of supernatural power. While not completely ruled out, the fairies move down the suspect list.

Two: At this point we have to be headed to the werewolf commune by the next episode. The references to teeth and claws in these attacks are getting too prominent and it's the only major piece of the supernatural landscape we haven't seen at all. On that note, did anyone else notice how close we are to full moon?

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Someone please save the family in this car commercial. They look like they're doing this at gunpoint.

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Oh thank God we're finally back. Please, television gods, there are only so many garbage bag commercials I can take in an hour.

Also, if Garrett's snacks get used as trade for this hostage I am going to die laughing. Do you think the fae like Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch better?

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit--

Could we please go back to when I thought the fairies wanted DORITOS?

3. NARRATOR

(A SOMBRE VERSION OF OUR DECONSTRUCTED THEME/NARRATION BACKDROP. SLOW, LONG NOTES.)

NARRATOR KATE

I'm not that in to flashback scenes normally, but, I'll give Selkirk this -- when the queen started pulling Jody and Tony's memories out of their bodies for all of the fae court to see, they made it look cool. The way images seemed to sink in and out of the sudden fog, colliding and overlapping until you couldn't tell whose mind they were supposed to have come from -- the inky purple stuff that puffed out instead of blood when somebody died in the past -- and that shadowy, human-shaped thing that moved all wrong through everything--

Like I said, it was all just really cool. And it makes sense that that was the scene to finally get the show some attention. Well, a bunch of gifs someone made of the scene did. We had at least 10 new people making posts about Selkirk after those went kinda-viral.

But cool only goes so far, you know? That's not what gets you.

No, when a bunch of TV writers really want to show up at your house and punch you in the gut, they have two characters who've just had their worst memories pulled out of them for vague horticultural reasons sit down for a post-fairyland beer and put everything on the table.

And then they make your favourite character say--

KATE AND TONY

What's the point?

(AS THEY SPEAK, WE HEAR SOFT BAR AMBIANCE AND MUSIC - "UNDER THE STAIRS (INSTRUMENTAL)" BY JOSH WOODWARD, ANOTHER OF THE SOFT ACOUSTIC GUITAR FOLK TRACKS WE'VE HEARD ASSOCIATED WITH SELKIRK)

TONY, CONT.

People think knowing they're gonna die is freeing, but when you can really see the clock above your head counting down, you don't want to run away and have some great adventure. You don't wanna make friends, start a family, have a -- a purpose.

You don't want good things, because everything good in your life makes the clock tick that much louder. If you don't have anything, do anything, be anything, there's nothing they can take from you. So that's what I've got. Nothing.

(THE SONG FADES OUT WITHOUT RESOLVING ITS FINAL CHORD.)

NARRATOR KATE

So that's what I've got. Nothing.

I didn't really sleep much that night.

4. BACK TO POSTING

(INTERNET SOUNDSCAPING RESUMES)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Wednesday, June 3

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Ok, so I went back to the first episode and... wow, I remember thinking it really sucked that Tony was getting attacked by monsters on his birthday, but did anyone else see what was on the cake he was throwing in the dumpster?

Sorry about the crappy phone photo of my TV, but those candles -- that's a 2 and a 9, right? And if every firstborn son in his family dies before they hit 31 --

Jesus, no wonder the dude already looks worn out as hell before he gets jumped by flesh eating whatevers.

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

And yes, okay, hi, I know there's more to this show than whether my favourite characters should kiss. But on the subject of my favourite characters kissing I can't stop thinking about how much Garrett would hate Tony's view on life and how much it's gonna suck for Tony if he really does have feelings for Garrett.

Like, how bad it would feel to finally start wanting things when you know you've got so little time left and -- okay, I'm writing this from the parking lot at work but do you think I could convincingly call in sick because I need to write some of this down before my head explodes?

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Also, like, asking for a friend... would it say anything about someone if they thought Tony's monologue was the most relateable thing anyone's ever said on this show?

They'd probably have to be really screwed up to think that, right?

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

(NARRATION BACKDROP FADE UP - THIS TAKES LONGER THAN USUAL. FOR THE FIRST COUPLE SENTENCES KATE SPEAKS AGAINST EMPTY AIR.)

NARRATOR KATE

I meant to delete that. I wasn't -- sometimes when I think something and it doesn't feel good, writing it down and hitting post just... clears the air, I guess. If I can get it in hard copy, the original file's easier to delete. It's not like I was trying to -- no pity parties, you know? Just a refreshed brain before another day in the coffee mines.

The second the post went through, I was pulling it back up on my phone, ready to hit delete before anyone could tell it had been there at all.

Aaaaaand that's when the mobile app crashed. Because that's what it does. And I was still trying to load it again when--

SOUND: DOOR OPENS WITH A LITTLE DING OF A BELL SOMEWHERE, LEADING INTO THE USUAL BACKDROP OF THE COFFEE SHOP.

Stuart

(CALLED ACROSS THE COUNTER)

Hey Kate, are you watching Selkirk?