1.IT'S A METAPHOR

(OUR STANDARD NARRATION AMBIANCE OF OUR THEME TUNE, DECONSTRUCTED- A LITTLE LESS LUSH PERHAPS, THIS TIME. NOTES MORE SOLITARY.)

NARRATOR KATE

You know that story? About how if you put a frog in a pot of water and start increasing the temperature real slowly, bit by bit, you can get all the way to boiling without it noticing? I've been trying to think of a cruelty-free version of that for the last couple minutes.

Like, what's the good, upbeat metaphor for those times when things change around you, but you're too close to notice? Not because some unseen person is trying to sneakily cook you alive -- that's -- I mean, aside from being awful to the frog, that's just way grimmer than what I'm going for there. But there are those times where you can only tell that something important happened afterwards, you know? Like, once the water's bubbling, it hits you. Something's changed.

There's a good version here somewhere, I swear. Let me think about it.

(INTERNET AMBIANCE - AN ECHOING RESONANCE, A VAST SPACE)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Friday, June 5

SOUND: NEW TEXT POST BLOOP

KATE

So I think I've finally got a plan for Garrett and Tony's 'Hey I Like You But I'm Cursed and Gonna Die' conversation. And yes, I am posting a preview of it here to make hella--enchanted freak out.

(FADE UP ON NIGHTTIME, SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS. LEAVES RUSTLE, INSECTS, SOFT BREEZE.)

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLES. JUST A SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT OF FABRIC RUSTLING THROUGH THIS WHOLE SCENE.

GARRETT

So were we just... never gonna talk about it?

TONY

Talk about what?

GARRETT

Dude, really?

KATE

Garrett shifted in the sleeping bag, trying to create enough space to gesture between the two of them. All he got for his trouble was a shock of icy cold air on the back of his neck, as his knuckles grazed Tony's chest. Not great.

TONY

You're letting the wind in.

GARRETT Tony, I--

KATE

He could do this. Deep breaths. How hard could it be, telling a guy you liked him after you'd already gotten him mostly undressed and into your one-person sleeping bag? Even if there was ice in the guy's hair and his lips were still a little blue.

GARRETT

You gotta know, right? I mean, I think it's been pretty obvious I--

TONY

Don't waste your time.

GARRETT

--like you.

(SHARP,HURT)

What?

TONY

Shit, no, I -- I didn't -- I mean -- you shouldn't waste your time on me.

(NIGHT SOUNDS SLOWY FADE DOWN AND THE INTERNET RETURNS)

2. AND NOW WE MONTAGE

COMPUTER VOICE

New private message from hella--enchanted

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE

ELLA Is this going to be a 'stuck in the wilderness, must huddle to avoid hypothermia' story? Because if so, I have to commend you on finding ways to make this scenario even more awful for Garrett and me. Well played. I look forward to further suffering.

Oh -- on a completely unrelated note, do you know of any good synonyms for refrigerator? Because if I write it one more time today it's going to lose all meaning. I asked my supervisor and he said 'ice box' sounds too much like a 1940s radio serial.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT

KATE

Thank you, thank you. Me and my pain and suffering will be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Huh, what if instead of refrigerator you went for like a... cold... food... box? Wow, I have nothing.

I think you should invent a new word and try to convince your boss it's cool teen slang.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED

ELLA

(SNICKERING)

Honest, Mr. Chung, "chillcube" is what all the cool kids say on Snapchat.

MESSAGE SENT NOISE:

KATE

(CACKLING)

Sounds legit to me.

By the way, I'm pretty sure someone's gonna start crying in this fic in the next three paragraphs, so I hope you're ready for that...

SOUND: TYPING SOUND. MOUSE DOUBLECLICK. THE NOISE OF MULTIPLE MESSAGES FIRING OFF. THE SAME BURST OF SOUND WILL PLAY BEFORE EACH TEXT POST TO DENOTE A BIT OF A 'SKIP AHEAD'.

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on on Wednesday, June 10.

SOUND: NEW POST

ELLA

Yes someone may be trying to start a war between the fae and the werewolves. Yes, the town of Selkirk could be plunged into chaos. But let us not forget to focus on the most important question raised by this week's episode:

Do I change the title of my blog to 'I was right about the werewolf Garrett theory' now, or should I wait a few days for spoiler reasons?

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE

KATE

No this is weird, how is everyone cool in my life in Toronto? I'm gonna start a petition or something. File a complaint.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE

ELLA

There are probably people in Missisauga who'd be mad you called us part of Toronto, but I'll take it. You're west coast, right? Or have I been assuming a Pacific time zone when I should have been worrying about your sleep schedule?

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT

KATE

I mean, porque no los dos?

I'm in the middle part of B.C., kind of? It's a pretty small city. I don't even know if you would have heard of it.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE

ELLA

Kate, have you been from Selkirk this whole time and not told anyone?

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE

ELLA

Sorry, if you're not comfortable getting more specific I understand. In case you need a subject change: did you see what Red just crossposted from Twitter? I've never gone to a convention before, but if the cast of Selkirk were there, I might have to go.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT

KATE

Actually, the town they shoot in is pretty far from here. I'm from Kamloops -- so, probably a lot fewer mountains than you're picturing, actually. You have to drive an hour or two before you really get that kind of scenery porn.

Also holy shit I did not see that Twitter thing. Do you think if I started a fan petition now I can get them to come to Vancouver...?

SOUND: TYPING SOUND. MOUSE DOUBLECLICK. THE NOISE OF MULTIPLE MESSAGES FIRING OFF.

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Thursday, June 11

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

PSA to my co-worker who is still only on episode 3 of Selkirk

Having to "do things" with your "friends" sounds fake, please binge watch this TV show I love faster so I don't end up blurting "Garrett is a werewolf" at people in the drive through lane because I can't contain myself.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED

ELLA

One younger brother, two stepbrothers and a stepsister. Justin's three years younger than me. He lives with dad mostly -- he and my stepbrother are almost the same age and were both going through big online role playing game phases when my dad and stepmom got together. Even when they were both pretty mad about the remarriage, they were close. My stepdad's children are all older, though. They were already out of the house when he and my mom started dating, so we're all nice to each other, but it's not a real sibling dynamic. And you?

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT

KATE

Just me. I wanted a little sister so bad when I was a kid though. Like, I'd put it on Christmas lists every year until my mom figured out a kid-friendly way to explain what a vasectomy was.

Also, didn't you say you have a dog too? Because I 100 per cent need more details about your dog...

SOUND: TYPING SOUND. MOUSE DOUBLECLICK. THE NOISE OF MULTIPLE MESSAGES FIRING OFF.

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Monday, June 15

SOUND: NEW POST

KATE

Wait, wait. Hold on, Selkirk. What do you mean "three week hiatus?"

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED

ELLA

Do I need to send you a reading list? Because not having read the Tortall books is sad, but not having read Ella Enchanted is a crime, Kate.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT

KATE

This from a person who's getting a master's degree in children's literature and has never finished Anne of Green Gables? She is a Canadian icon, Ella.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED

ELLA

They haven't let me into a program yet, but I appreciate the vote of confidence.

And if your ex-girlfriend made you listen to the Green Gables musical soundtrack every time you drove anywhere for months, you would understand my pain.

(BEAT OF SILENCE. NO BACKDROP AT ALL. JUST... SILENCE.)

KATE

Girlfriend?

(NARRATOR VIBE UP)

NARRATOR KATE

Okay, I've got it. Forget the frog boiling thing. The frog boiling thing is bad. And according to Wikipedia it might not even be true? Anyway--

It's like when you're a kid and your mom always stores the cookies on a really high shelf -- the one that's hard to reach even if you drag a chair over and stand on it. And you're growing every day when you're little, right? But you don't think about it, until one day you try to reach for the box without getting the chair, and it's easy. You don't even have to stand on your toes. And then you start to wonder -- how long have I been dragging a chair across the room when I didn't need to?

God, does any of this make sense?

(EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE A SECOND AGO)

KATE

Girlfriend?

(A MOMENT, THEN)

SOUND: TYPING, SLOW AND UNCERTAIN (NO MORE THAN IT WOULD TAKE FOR 'I DIDN'T KNOW, FX DROPS AS SHE COMMITS TO HER BIT).

KATE

I didn't... I didn't know... uh...

(PAUSE, THEN SUPER FUCKING UPBEAT. AGGRESSIVELY NORMAL.)

I--I didn't know there was an Anne of Green Gables Musical. Is there a big song and dance number for getting Diana drunk? Oh, heh -- a bunch of chorus girls smashing chalkboards over schoolboy heads? Tell me everything.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE