1. TO RECAP...
SOUND: INTERIOR, COFFEE SHOP. LIGHT CHATTER.
STUART
—so I'm in love with Garrett now. That fight between him and the bear — that was seriously intense.
KATE
I know, right? And how much did you freak out when he transformed? Because I fully freaked out.
STUART
My mom screamed at the TV. It was pretty great.
KATE
I think I sent my friend Ella just, like, 20 messages of exclamation points and keysmashes.
STUART
I was sure the werewolf thing wasn't gonna happen. You didn't say anything.
KATE
You asked me not to spoil you!
STUART
Yeah. But I kinda figured I'd be able to tell from your... you know.
KATE
Hey, I'm very restrained when I want to be.
But seriously, it's been driving me nuts not being able to say anything to you. Who do you think sent the bear to attack the wolf pack? Because my friend Ella and I have been talking about it for a week and I still don't think I have a concrete answer.
STUART
Oh man, I suck at calling this stuff.
You know that part in Fight Club where he turns out to be the same person? I missed that so hard the first time I had to rewatch the whole movie.
KATE
Dude.
STUART
In self-defense I was 11.
KATE
Dude.
STUART
Hey— you should invite your friend in here some day.
KATE
(GAY FEAR)
What friend?
STUART
Your friend Ella?
Come on, you bring her, she brings her theories. And I bring free iced coffees under the table. If we put our heads together, I bet we could figure out the rest of the season.
KATE
Oh. Yeah — that — uh... so the thing is, she's uh—
She's just like super busy, all the time. Yeah. That's why we message each other so much. She's so hard to track down! Busy Ella, always being... busy...
STUART
Aw, that sucks.
You really don't think iced coffee would convince her?
KATE
(REGRETTING THIS LIE SO MUCH ALREADY)
I... I could ask?
STUART
Yeah! Tell her if she comes up with someone really great I'll throw in a cookie.
KATE
Yeah. I'll... get right on that.
2. POSTS FROM THE HIATUS
(OUR USUAL INTERNET AMBIANCE — AN IMMENSE, CROWDED SPACE. THERE IS A FAINT ECHO WHEN CHARACTERS SPEAK)
COMPUTER VOICE
New text post on Tuesday, June 23
SOUND: POST NOISE
KATE
On the plus side, there's only two weeks left before we get a new episode of Selkirk. On the downside, it's been two weeks since I had something to do on Tuesdays and my parents are making threatening noises about family game night.
So what I'm saying is: Who's wants to send me some prompts?
Give me all your Tony and Garrett fic ideas and I'll write whatever comes to mind. No idea is too out there. Give me your alternate universes, your missing scenes, your canon divergences. You want the two of them shopping for curtains? If it'll make me look busy when dad comes by with the Monopoly board, I'm in.
COMPUTER VOICE
New private message from user Hella--enchanted.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED SOUND
ELLA
Hm, what if Garrett and Tony had to babysit the werewolf puppies from the last episode? If the pack is under threat, they're going to want extra security on the kids, right?
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT SOUND
KATE
Oh my god, is Garrett one of those terrible sitters who's like, "hey Mrs. Whatsyourname, I know your kids are in danger, but can I have a friend over? We're just going to do homework, promise."
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
In all honesty, I did that once as a teenager. Except the other girl and I were both too nervous about the kids waking up or their parents coming home early to do anything, so we ended up doing our math homework after all.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
I don't know if I think that's cute or tragic.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
Aren't you the one who always says "why can't it be both?"
(NARRATION AMBIANCE FADES UP — DECONSTRUCTED NOTES FROM THE THEME SWELL AND SINK IN THE BACKGROUND)
NARRATOR KATE
Ella. 22. She/her. And "I shan't marry the prince" in quotation marks in your bio, like it was from something. Which it was, I found out, when I read Ella Enchanted on my work breaks over the next week.
I'd also figured out the, uh, the other thing you were probably trying to hint at by having it there. Which probably shouldn't have taken a full on "let me drop my ex girlfriend into casual conversation" to get but—
I mean, it's not like I thought I was the only—
We're literally writing stories where two male characters get together romantically. It's not shocking that a lot of the people who are into this stuff turn out to not be straight. Even in Selkirk's one room schoolhouse of a fandom Raygambit's the only person I can say for sure is a woman married to a dude. And that doesn't mean I can say for sure that's the only gender she likes, or— or— uuurgh. You know what I mean.
Anyway.
It wasn't a big, weird, surprising deal, is what I'm saying. There was no reason for it to change anything—
(NARRATION DROPS. BACK TO THE INTERNET.)
ELLA
—so we ended up doing the math homework we had put out as a decoy after all.
SOUND: A BEAT, THEN A FLURRY OF TYPING. ITABRUPTLY BREAKS OFF WITH KATE'S "MAYBE YOU'RE—" FALTER
KATE
Cool. So was that girl, like, a girlfriend? Your girlfriend? Because you totally date girls, right? Which is cool. Totally cool. Maybe — maybe you're dating a girl right now. Or — or maybe you're— maybe you're—
(TYPING STOPS. SILENCE, OTHER THAN THE UNCARING BACKDROP OF THE INTERNETS)
Oh my God I'm a freak.
SOUND: A SINGLE KEY BEING HIT QUITE A FEW TIMES (BACKSPACE). THEN MORE TYPING. A MESSAGE SENDS.
KATE
I don't know if I think that's cute or tragic.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
Aren't you the one who always says "why can't it be both?"
3. WEREWOLF PUPPIES
(FULL PODFIC FANTASY. IN THIS CASE, LIGHT NATURE AND SOME PLAYFUL PUPPY GROWLS.)
GARRETT
Hey, Gemma, what did we say? Babysitters aren't chew toys, remember?
KATE
Tony gave the arm still being grappled a gentle shake, and tried to ignore the feel of pinprick teeth through the fabric of his sweater.
SOUND: RUSTLE OF CLOTHING AND ANOTHER BABY WEREWOLF GRUMBLE.
KATE, CONT.
The wolf — Gemma, aged 18 months, and about the size of a small poodle in were-form -- grumbled under her breath, but finally relaxed her jaw enough for him to pull free.
SOUND: ANOTHER WEREPUP GROWL
GARRETT
Good girl. You wanna play fetch?
KATE
Gemma scuffed at an ear with her back leg in a gesture that was surprisingly dismissive for a baby or a wolf, then toddled down the lawn to where a tug of war match had broken out between some of the older pups.
SOUND: A CANINE SCRATCH AT AN EAR, SOUNDS OF SEVERAL WOLVES PLAYFULLY GROWLING AND YIPPING A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY.
KATE, CONT.
Tony's gaze drifted past them to the horseshoe of tidy farmhouses that spanned the property. Green lawns and SUVs and minivans parked in driveways. Like any big city suburb at dusk, if you ignored the mountains rising up on three sides and the narrow dirt road that was the only way in and out. And the discoloured patch of lawn where the bear's blood had seeped into the ground only a few nights before.
Another reminder this wasn't exactly a normal babysitting gig. Speaking of--
TONY
So, you're 100 per cent sure the whole 'get bitten by a werewolf, become a werewolf' thing is an urban legend, right?
GARRETT
Relax, she didn't even break the skin.
TONY
But, are you sure?
GARRETT
Pretty sure, dude.
But you can ask Paul at the Gas 'n Save how it's working out for him if you want some external confirmation.
TONY
Paul with the glasses?
GARRETT
Mmhm. We used to have a thing.
TONY
Wait, Paul's a werewolf?
GARRETT
No dude, I'm saying Paul's not a werewolf, because you don't turn wolf from bites. Get it?
KATE
Garrett smiled, and if it seemed like his teeth gleamed in the full moonlight, Tony was probably imagining it.
TONY
...oh.
So, uh, you wanna do the perimeter check again or should I?
GARRETT
Hm, how'd your tranq gun lessons go with Jodi?
TONY
Honestly?
GARRETT
Be back in 20. If you hear anything suspicious—
TONY
Kids in the basement, yeah yeah.
GARRETT
(FADING AWAY) And don't let Gemma dig in the garden!
KATE
Garrett rolled forward, like a gymnast plunging into a somersault, and then a glossy, jet black wolf was padding toward the treeline. Tony sighed, rolled his eyes and tried to ignore the fond smile pulling at his lips as he made a beeline for the wolf pup already rooting in a patch of potatoes.
RUSTLING OF GRASS AND CLOTHING, A LIGHT-FOOTED CREATURE PADDING AWAY IN THE GRASS
(PODFIC FANTASY OUT, INTERNET SOUNDSCAPE RETURNS)
4. NOTHING IS AWKWARD
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
A baby werewolf using Tony as a teething ring feels so accurate for him I'm a little surprised it didn't happen in the show.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
I mean, poor dude is already kind of the show's chew toy, so on a spiritual level, it's like it's canon.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
And I love how Tony has no idea when he's being flirted with. Poor Garrett is trying so hard here too with that 'I date men' infodump.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Yeah, that's Tony. So clueless, haha.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
It's too late for full-on Monopoly if my dad wants to be in bed by nine. I think it's safe to tell my parents I'll play a pity game of Scrabble or something. Talk to you later!
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
(NARRATION FADE UP)
NARRATOR KATE
Yeah, so, like I said. No big deal. It was fine. Super fine.
Nothing changed at all.
(FADE TO THEME SONG)