1. TEASER TRAILER

GARRETT

Coming this season on Selkirk...

(INT. BUS STATION. THAT HEAVY LIGHTING BUZZ AND A FAIRLY LARGE, EMPTY ROOM.)

SOUND: OLD SCHOOL PRINTER SPITS OUT A BUS TICKET. WE HEAR THE PAPER TEAR, SOMETHING SLIDES ACROSS A COUNTERTOP.

PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE

The shuttle for Vancouver leaves in three hours. How will you be paying today?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC KICKS IN - IN A WORLD WHERE WE COULD LICENSE MUSIC THIS WOULD BE A FULL "WAY DOWN WE GO" MOMENT, OR SOMETHING EQUALLY CHEESY. IN THIS WORLD, KEVIN MACLEOD'S"DEVESTATION AND REVENGE," IS A CRESCENDOING MIX OF STRINGS AND SYNTH, WITH A "SOMETHING BAD COMING" VIBE.)

TONY

People come to Selkirk because they're running. From war. From the law. From each other. They run because out here, most things don't bother catching up. Until now.

(BRIEF DRAMATIC PAUSE)

JODI

We've got a town full of monsters and no suspects.

ANGRY MAN

You're running out of time.

SOUND: JODI RUNNING THROUGH A FOREST. WE HEAR LEAVES AND TWIGS SNAP UNDER HER FEET. SHE COMES TO A STOP. WE HEAR HER BREATHING HEAVILY AS SOMETHING ELSE APPROACHES WITH A SOFT GROWL AND SHUFFLING GAIT (THINK ANIMAL RATHER THAN ZOMBIE)

GARRETT

So you're, what, bounty hunters for the fairies?

GRACE

We prefer the term 'private consultants.'

NERVOUS WOMAN

It feels like the whole town's on edge...

JODI

I care about this place, Tony. The real question is, do you?

SOUND: SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AS SOMEONE WALKS ACROSS A SMALL ROOM

SCARED WOMAN

Who are you?

SOUND: WOLF GROWLING/SNARLING/GENERAL CROWD NOISE THAT CARRIES OVER THE NEXT LINE

ANGRY WEREWOLF WOMAN

If the faeries want a fight, we bring the fight to them!

SOUND: A SINGLE WOLF HOWL IS JOINED BY A PACK CHORUS

JODI

You need to make a decision.

GARRETT

This ends now.

(BEAT)

SOUND: A FIRE CRACKLES

TONY

You think you can threaten me? I've got eight months to live, and it's gonna be winter for half of them. Bring it on.

(MUSIC GETS EXTRA, EXTRA DRAMATIC)

SOUND: A BEAR ROAR/WOLF SNARL, A METAL 'SHING!', RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, THE FIRE IS STILL CRACKLING THROUGH ALL OF THI

GARRETT

(IN A VERY ECHO-Y SPACE) Tony? Tony? TONY?!

(BEAT. MUSIC DROPS OUT COMPLETELY.)

SOUND: LIGHTER NOISE, BURN OF PAPER AS THE CIGARETTE LIGHTS. INHALE. EXHALE. GRACE

What if I could offer you something they can't?

TONY

(SCOFFS) I don't need a smoke that badly--

GRACE

I think I know how to break your curse.

(BEAT. MUSIC BACK UP, BUT NOT AS LOUD.)

TONY

Selkirk will return on July 7.

(IT'S OVER. BEAT OF SILENCE BEFORE WE RETURN TO REAL LIFE.)

2. BIG NEWS

SOUND: A CELL PHONE RINGS SEVERAL TIMES. FABRIC RUSTLES.

Kate

Nngh?

WHITNEY

So now you have to come visit me, right?

KATE

Whitney?

WHITNEY

Happy Canada Day!

KATE

What? It's so early...

WHITNEY

Kate, it's 9:30 there. What did you do, party too hard on Canada Day Eve?

KATE

(MUMBLES) I could have... you don't know...

WHITNEY

So does this mean you haven't seen it yet?

KATE

Seen what?

WHITNEY

They're coming to Fan Fest!

KATE

...who? What? Where?

WHITNEY

The Selkirk guys.

SOUND: ANOTHER RUSTLE AS KATE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT.

KATE

(SUDDENLY MORE AWAKE)

What did you say about Selkirk?

WHITNEY

They're doing a Fan Fest panel with all of the main cast and the lead writers. They announced it on Twitter this morning. There are going to be special meetups and all kinds of stuff.

KATE

Oh, that's so cool!

WHITNEY

Right? I knew you'd be excited.

KATE

And super jealous. Did they announce any other con stops before fall?

WHITNEY

"The cast and crew of Selkirk, exclusively at Toronto Fan Fest."

KATE

Noooooo, whyyyyy? Everything always goes to Toronto.

WHITNEY

Centre of the universe, remember?

KATE

Uhhh, unfair. Do you think they'll stream it somewhere at least?

WHITNEY

No, Kate, you're missing my point. You should come out here. We've been talking about it all summer anyway. My internship is done by then -- we could hang out all week before the convention. I can take you to cool places and you can get me caught up on all the good Selkirk fanfic and weird theories--

KATE

Hey, my theories are great.

WHITNEY

Okay, all the great theories.

KATE

Thank you.

WHITNEY

Anyway, I went online and early bird ticket pricing for this con ends this weekend.

KATE

Wow, way to give people time, guys.

WHITNEY

Last-minute marketing bump. It's a classic move.

I can get us tickets this week if you want to pay me back. And you should try to get a plane ticket before all the cheap seats sell out.

KATE

Uh... right... I guess...

WHITNEY

You're going to come, right Kate?

KATE

Um, God, I don't know... Maybe? I'd need to talk to mom and dad about money...

WHITNEY

Your parents love me. Tell them you're doing me a personal favour.

KATE

You said the whole cast is coming?

WHITNEY

Lead actors, writers and special guests.

(SING SONG) You know you want to...

KATE

(LAUGHING) Oh my God okay, okay, I'll think about it.

WHITNEY

Come to Torontooooo...

KATE

If I fly all the way out there, are you actually going to get caught up on the show?

WHITNEY

Like you're not going to want me to watch the whole thing again with you when you get here.

KATE

Uh, that is such an unfair callout. I don't even had my coffee yet!

WHITNEY

I'm gonna take that as confirmation you're coming.

SOUND: A CALENDAR ALERT FROM THE OTHER END OF THE LINE

WHITNEY, cont.

(GROAN) Aah, sorry, I though I had more time -- there's this conference call I'm supposed to be on.

KATE

Dude, it's Canada Day.

WHITNEY

I know. Emergency meeting.

KATE

Gross.

WHITNEY

You are going to talk to your parents about coming, right?

KATE

Yeah.

WHITNEY

But are you?

KATE

I will talk to my parents.

Now go take your gross call!

WHITNEY

I will. Talk to them!

KATE

I will!

WHITNEY

Toronto neeeeeeeeds youuuuuu...

KATE

Goodbye Whitney!

SOUND: PHONE HANGUP BEEP

(A BEAT OF SILTENCE BEFORE THE INTERNET BACKDROP SIDLES IN. AS USUAL, AN IMMSENSE, VAGUELY POPULATED SPACE)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Wednesday, July 1

ELLA

Is anyone else going to be in Toronto for the Selkirk Fan Fest panel in August? If so, who wants to get together for a fandom meet up? Depending on who's interested, we could get coffee or a drink or --

(SHE CUTS OFF MID SENTENCE. THERE IS A CLUNK OF SOMETHING PHONE SIZED AND WEIGHTED HITTING A FLOOR/WALL/HARD SURFACE. NOT WITH SHATTERING FORCE, JUST AS IF DROPPED FROM NON-FATAL HEIGHT.)

(ANOTHER BEAT OF SILENCE.)

3. KATE YOU'RE A GOOBER

(NARRATION BACKDROP FADES IN - SOFT DISCONNECTED TONES FROM THE THEME WASH THROUGH THE BACKGROUND)

NARRATOR KATE

This is obvious, right?

Of course people who live near Toronto who are fans of this TV show are going to a panel about this TV show held in Toronto. Of course they are.

That is a super normal thing that should not make anyone freak out and throw their phone across the bed! Love to be super chill about all these perfectly normal things! Love to have, like, super dry palms and a perfectly normal heart rhythms and be super chill, because all I'm doing is typing a--

(NARRATION BACKDROP DROPS)

COMPUTER VOICE

New private message to user hella--enchanted

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE

KATE

Hey, Happy Canada Day! I don't know if you do anything for it out there, but my parents are big fans of bad grocery store sheet cakes decorated like flags, so we're gonna go to a park here and try to score a piece that hasn't been sneezed on by every toddler in the city yet. Wish us luck.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE

KATE

Also, we have to talk about that new season trailer in extreme detail as soon as possible. I am really concerned about that one scene. You know which one.

…and in case you don't, it's the one with all the blood. I'm worried.

SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE

KATE

(EXTREMELY CASUAL)

Oh by the way, I almost forgot. It turns out I might be in Toronto visiting my best friend during Fan Fest, so if you do hold that fan meetup you should let me know. Talk to you later!

(NARRATION BACKDROP FADES UP)

NARRATOR KATE

Then I did what any reasonable person would do. Left my phone charging on the kitchen counter and drove downtown with my parents to eat flag cake and watch sweaty preteens do Ukrainian dancing in a park band shell.

Okay, in the preteens' defense everyone was really sweaty by that point. Even though it's only July first, this city always turns into a swamp for Canada Day. It's a disgusting festive tradition.

And in my own defense, sometimes you need eight hours and a fireworks display to work up the nerve to check your PMs. Because there are only three things that can happen when you put something like that into the world. One: You don't hear anything -- that's bad. Two: You find out you're not wanted at all -- that's also bad.

Then there's option three-- and that one's the most terrifying one of all.

(RETURN OF INTERNET BACKDROP)

ELLA

Kate that would be so amazing!

It looks like there are a few other people who want to meet up after the panel, but if you're going to be in the city longer maybe we could get coffee some time before the convention? I don't want to steal you away from your friend too much, but it would be really cool to freak out about the finale with you face to face.

SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE

ELLA

Oh, and I hope the cake was good.

SOUND: A ROLLING CHAIR PUSHES AWAY FROM A DESK. FOOTSTEPS ON CARPET, THEN FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS

KATE

(FAIRLY OFF MIC) Hey, mom, Whitney wants me to ask you a favour...