1. TEASER TRAILER
GARRETT
Coming this season on Selkirk...
(INT. BUS STATION. THAT HEAVY LIGHTING BUZZ AND A FAIRLY LARGE, EMPTY ROOM.)
SOUND: OLD SCHOOL PRINTER SPITS OUT A BUS TICKET. WE HEAR THE PAPER TEAR, SOMETHING SLIDES ACROSS A COUNTERTOP.
PLEASANT FEMALE VOICE
The shuttle for Vancouver leaves in three hours. How will you be paying today?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC KICKS IN - IN A WORLD WHERE WE COULD LICENSE MUSIC THIS WOULD BE A FULL "WAY DOWN WE GO" MOMENT, OR SOMETHING EQUALLY CHEESY. IN THIS WORLD, KEVIN MACLEOD'S"DEVESTATION AND REVENGE," IS A CRESCENDOING MIX OF STRINGS AND SYNTH, WITH A "SOMETHING BAD COMING" VIBE.)
TONY
People come to Selkirk because they're running. From war. From the law. From each other. They run because out here, most things don't bother catching up. Until now.
(BRIEF DRAMATIC PAUSE)
JODI
We've got a town full of monsters and no suspects.
ANGRY MAN
You're running out of time.
SOUND: JODI RUNNING THROUGH A FOREST. WE HEAR LEAVES AND TWIGS SNAP UNDER HER FEET. SHE COMES TO A STOP. WE HEAR HER BREATHING HEAVILY AS SOMETHING ELSE APPROACHES WITH A SOFT GROWL AND SHUFFLING GAIT (THINK ANIMAL RATHER THAN ZOMBIE)
GARRETT
So you're, what, bounty hunters for the fairies?
GRACE
We prefer the term 'private consultants.'
NERVOUS WOMAN
It feels like the whole town's on edge...
JODI
I care about this place, Tony. The real question is, do you?
SOUND: SLOW, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AS SOMEONE WALKS ACROSS A SMALL ROOM
SCARED WOMAN
Who are you?
SOUND: WOLF GROWLING/SNARLING/GENERAL CROWD NOISE THAT CARRIES OVER THE NEXT LINE
ANGRY WEREWOLF WOMAN
If the faeries want a fight, we bring the fight to them!
SOUND: A SINGLE WOLF HOWL IS JOINED BY A PACK CHORUS
JODI
You need to make a decision.
GARRETT
This ends now.
(BEAT)
SOUND: A FIRE CRACKLES
TONY
You think you can threaten me? I've got eight months to live, and it's gonna be winter for half of them. Bring it on.
(MUSIC GETS EXTRA, EXTRA DRAMATIC)
SOUND: A BEAR ROAR/WOLF SNARL, A METAL 'SHING!', RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, THE FIRE IS STILL CRACKLING THROUGH ALL OF THI
GARRETT
(IN A VERY ECHO-Y SPACE) Tony? Tony? TONY?!
(BEAT. MUSIC DROPS OUT COMPLETELY.)
SOUND: LIGHTER NOISE, BURN OF PAPER AS THE CIGARETTE LIGHTS. INHALE. EXHALE. GRACE
What if I could offer you something they can't?
TONY
(SCOFFS) I don't need a smoke that badly--
GRACE
I think I know how to break your curse.
(BEAT. MUSIC BACK UP, BUT NOT AS LOUD.)
TONY
Selkirk will return on July 7.
(IT'S OVER. BEAT OF SILENCE BEFORE WE RETURN TO REAL LIFE.)
2. BIG NEWS
SOUND: A CELL PHONE RINGS SEVERAL TIMES. FABRIC RUSTLES.
Kate
Nngh?
WHITNEY
So now you have to come visit me, right?
KATE
Whitney?
WHITNEY
Happy Canada Day!
KATE
What? It's so early...
WHITNEY
Kate, it's 9:30 there. What did you do, party too hard on Canada Day Eve?
KATE
(MUMBLES) I could have... you don't know...
WHITNEY
So does this mean you haven't seen it yet?
KATE
Seen what?
WHITNEY
They're coming to Fan Fest!
KATE
...who? What? Where?
WHITNEY
The Selkirk guys.
SOUND: ANOTHER RUSTLE AS KATE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT.
KATE
(SUDDENLY MORE AWAKE)
What did you say about Selkirk?
WHITNEY
They're doing a Fan Fest panel with all of the main cast and the lead writers. They announced it on Twitter this morning. There are going to be special meetups and all kinds of stuff.
KATE
Oh, that's so cool!
WHITNEY
Right? I knew you'd be excited.
KATE
And super jealous. Did they announce any other con stops before fall?
WHITNEY
"The cast and crew of Selkirk, exclusively at Toronto Fan Fest."
KATE
Noooooo, whyyyyy? Everything always goes to Toronto.
WHITNEY
Centre of the universe, remember?
KATE
Uhhh, unfair. Do you think they'll stream it somewhere at least?
WHITNEY
No, Kate, you're missing my point. You should come out here. We've been talking about it all summer anyway. My internship is done by then -- we could hang out all week before the convention. I can take you to cool places and you can get me caught up on all the good Selkirk fanfic and weird theories--
KATE
Hey, my theories are great.
WHITNEY
Okay, all the great theories.
KATE
Thank you.
WHITNEY
Anyway, I went online and early bird ticket pricing for this con ends this weekend.
KATE
Wow, way to give people time, guys.
WHITNEY
Last-minute marketing bump. It's a classic move.
I can get us tickets this week if you want to pay me back. And you should try to get a plane ticket before all the cheap seats sell out.
KATE
Uh... right... I guess...
WHITNEY
You're going to come, right Kate?
KATE
Um, God, I don't know... Maybe? I'd need to talk to mom and dad about money...
WHITNEY
Your parents love me. Tell them you're doing me a personal favour.
KATE
You said the whole cast is coming?
WHITNEY
Lead actors, writers and special guests.
(SING SONG) You know you want to...
KATE
(LAUGHING) Oh my God okay, okay, I'll think about it.
WHITNEY
Come to Torontooooo...
KATE
If I fly all the way out there, are you actually going to get caught up on the show?
WHITNEY
Like you're not going to want me to watch the whole thing again with you when you get here.
KATE
Uh, that is such an unfair callout. I don't even had my coffee yet!
WHITNEY
I'm gonna take that as confirmation you're coming.
SOUND: A CALENDAR ALERT FROM THE OTHER END OF THE LINE
WHITNEY, cont.
(GROAN) Aah, sorry, I though I had more time -- there's this conference call I'm supposed to be on.
KATE
Dude, it's Canada Day.
WHITNEY
I know. Emergency meeting.
KATE
Gross.
WHITNEY
You are going to talk to your parents about coming, right?
KATE
Yeah.
WHITNEY
But are you?
KATE
I will talk to my parents.
Now go take your gross call!
WHITNEY
I will. Talk to them!
KATE
I will!
WHITNEY
Toronto neeeeeeeeds youuuuuu...
KATE
Goodbye Whitney!
SOUND: PHONE HANGUP BEEP
(A BEAT OF SILTENCE BEFORE THE INTERNET BACKDROP SIDLES IN. AS USUAL, AN IMMSENSE, VAGUELY POPULATED SPACE)
COMPUTER VOICE
New text post on Wednesday, July 1
ELLA
Is anyone else going to be in Toronto for the Selkirk Fan Fest panel in August? If so, who wants to get together for a fandom meet up? Depending on who's interested, we could get coffee or a drink or --
(SHE CUTS OFF MID SENTENCE. THERE IS A CLUNK OF SOMETHING PHONE SIZED AND WEIGHTED HITTING A FLOOR/WALL/HARD SURFACE. NOT WITH SHATTERING FORCE, JUST AS IF DROPPED FROM NON-FATAL HEIGHT.)
(ANOTHER BEAT OF SILENCE.)
3. KATE YOU'RE A GOOBER
(NARRATION BACKDROP FADES IN - SOFT DISCONNECTED TONES FROM THE THEME WASH THROUGH THE BACKGROUND)
NARRATOR KATE
This is obvious, right?
Of course people who live near Toronto who are fans of this TV show are going to a panel about this TV show held in Toronto. Of course they are.
That is a super normal thing that should not make anyone freak out and throw their phone across the bed! Love to be super chill about all these perfectly normal things! Love to have, like, super dry palms and a perfectly normal heart rhythms and be super chill, because all I'm doing is typing a--
(NARRATION BACKDROP DROPS)
COMPUTER VOICE
New private message to user hella--enchanted
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE
KATE
Hey, Happy Canada Day! I don't know if you do anything for it out there, but my parents are big fans of bad grocery store sheet cakes decorated like flags, so we're gonna go to a park here and try to score a piece that hasn't been sneezed on by every toddler in the city yet. Wish us luck.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE
KATE
Also, we have to talk about that new season trailer in extreme detail as soon as possible. I am really concerned about that one scene. You know which one.
…and in case you don't, it's the one with all the blood. I'm worried.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT NOISE
KATE
(EXTREMELY CASUAL)
Oh by the way, I almost forgot. It turns out I might be in Toronto visiting my best friend during Fan Fest, so if you do hold that fan meetup you should let me know. Talk to you later!
(NARRATION BACKDROP FADES UP)
NARRATOR KATE
Then I did what any reasonable person would do. Left my phone charging on the kitchen counter and drove downtown with my parents to eat flag cake and watch sweaty preteens do Ukrainian dancing in a park band shell.
Okay, in the preteens' defense everyone was really sweaty by that point. Even though it's only July first, this city always turns into a swamp for Canada Day. It's a disgusting festive tradition.
And in my own defense, sometimes you need eight hours and a fireworks display to work up the nerve to check your PMs. Because there are only three things that can happen when you put something like that into the world. One: You don't hear anything -- that's bad. Two: You find out you're not wanted at all -- that's also bad.
Then there's option three-- and that one's the most terrifying one of all.
(RETURN OF INTERNET BACKDROP)
ELLA
Kate that would be so amazing!
It looks like there are a few other people who want to meet up after the panel, but if you're going to be in the city longer maybe we could get coffee some time before the convention? I don't want to steal you away from your friend too much, but it would be really cool to freak out about the finale with you face to face.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED NOISE
ELLA
Oh, and I hope the cake was good.
SOUND: A ROLLING CHAIR PUSHES AWAY FROM A DESK. FOOTSTEPS ON CARPET, THEN FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS
KATE
(FAIRLY OFF MIC) Hey, mom, Whitney wants me to ask you a favour...