Keep It Steady 12

MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Good evening, Columbus High students! Tonight is Saturday, May 20th, 2006 and as is often the case, these announcements are happening only in Zach’s head, so really, I can say anything at all. Our thanks to Alex Toledo, for ably taking over as DJ half an hour from now when the original guy we hired will quit mid-shift over not being allowed to play “My Humps” three times in a row. Please enjoy tonight’s punch before Atlas McKiernan replaces the entire bowl with a bowl of hot sauce, as a prank.

Bert Bestro is one year away from graduation, and a rewarding career as an international jewel thief. Mary Gleason will vow dramatically to bring Bert to justice, and we all look forward to the face-off. And finally, Rossi managed to avoid detention this week by time traveling back to the Indus Valley civilization, where he will immerse himself learning ancient pottery techniques, until he gets bored and invents modern carpentry instead. (PAUSE) Go Comets!

ZACH NARRATION

For reasons nobody seems to be able to articulate, prom is at the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center.

ZACH

Are we sure?

ZACH NARRATION

I mean both “is this the right venue?” and also “are we confident Lithuania is a real country?” because no matter how hard I rack my brain, I can’t bring up one concrete detail about the place.

FX: DRIVING SOUNDS. THE RUSTLE OF TAFETTA DRESSES

PONNI

It’s been in the announcements so many times.

ANDY

Zach, I will give you forty dollars if you can guess our prom theme.

ZACH

Uh, Lithuania?

LESLIE

Turn left up here.

PONNI

Two more guesses.

ZACH

Oh man. I’m gonna say, ‘high school’? Or wait, ‘Love’? ‘Bad decision-making’?

HORACE

That’s not a theme, that’s a summary.

ZACH

C’mon, does everyone else seriously know this?

ASHLEY

I know it, and I don’t even go here.

ZACH

Give me a hint, someone.

PONNI

What do kids like?

ZACH

Candy? Ninja Turtles? Making fart sounds with their hands?

TORI

You are gonna be so disappointed.

ZACH NARRATION

At the very least, the building is real, and it’s nicer than the school gym. There’s a chandelier in the lobby, and nothing smells like decades of stale sweat. Someone has put up a big sign that announces in construction paper letters, “COLUMBUS HIGH SCHOOL PROM 2006 - A NIGHT OF FAIRYTALE ROMANCE.” Beneath it is a drawing of a castle, which has cartoony eyes and a wide grin. My nightmares will be many and lingering.

I drag my feet on my way to the dance floor—I refuse to call it a ballroom; this is no Austen novel.

FX: PROM CROWD DIN, DISTANTLY. GENERIC POP HIT PLAYING DISTANTLY.

TORI

Hey.

ZACH

(IMPRESSED) Shit, dude, your dress.

TORI

You already saw it.

ZACH

Yeah, but I wasn’t really looking.

ZACH NARRATION

I have witnessed every stage of the dress’s creation, which mostly involved Tori slicing up thrift store gowns and sewing them back together while swearing, but I never stopped to think about how it might all come together when she finished. It has definitely come together.

ZACH

You look like an evil queen in a YA novel.

TORI

That was the goal. Basically.

ZACH

Hey, you were right about the theme.

TORI

Well, yeah.

ZACH

Do you think the people who planned this thing have ever read a fairytale?

TORI

I know, have you seen any wolves yet?

ZACH

Or witches, or trolls or, like Rumplestiltskins. None of this true love, singing bluebirds horseshit—

TORI

Sure thing, Cinderella.

ZACH

Mouse footman. At best.

GABE

What are you guys talking about?

TORI

You two have fun.

ZACH NARRATION

Prom is boring. Why had I never stopped to consider that? At the end of the day, it’s just a room full of people we go to school with, some bland snacks on one side. I got a black eye for this, I think, there should at least be a bouncy castle.

Beside me, Gabe slouches uncomfortably.

GABE

Do you—want some punch or something?

ZACH

Not really.

ZACH NARRATION

I cast around for someone else to talk to, but I hung back too long. Leslie and Krista are on the dance floor together, lost in their own world. Andy, Ashley, Ponni, and Horace are carefully dancing nearby, as if standing guard. It’s wall to wall couples. The air is thick with Axe and perfume.

Gabe must notice the couples thing, too, because he reaches down and takes my elbow, as if that’s what it takes to blend in.

The DJ is half-asleep at his equipment, blasting away on a playlist of top 40 hits from five years ago. Parent chaperones circle the dance floor, trying to intervene when the moves get raunchy, but they might as well stop the tide with a kitchen sponge.

I can only imagine how all the thrusting and ass-shaking must look to Gabe—a pit of cheaply-scented debauchery. But when I glance over, Gabe is busy studying the decorations. I feel cheated of the hilariously judgy expression that is surely my right to witness.

FX: PROM CROWD DIN, GENERIC POP MUSIC.

ZACH

Do you wanna dance?

GABE

(STARTLED) What?

ZACH

Do you wanna—

ZACH NARRATION

I incline my head towards our bumping, grinding peers, and Gabe follows the motion and swallows visibly, eyes widening. The very quality of how his arm is wrapped around my arm changes.

ZACH

Never mind.

GABE

What?

ZACH

It was a joke.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe turns back to stare at the crepe paper.

I stand there twitching. What do people actually do at a Prom? Dancing is officially out, now and forever. It’s too loud to carry on a conversation, and anyway, what is there left to say? I am out of lines. The machinery of Prom ground us together and then left us stranded here, no instructions. We’re arm in arm in the middle of a crowded room, and nobody is watching.

I yank my elbow free. Gabe looks down at me. The room is full of girls in brightly colored dresses and boys in dark suits, and it’s all warping together, a kaleidoscope with a terrible soundtrack.

ZACH

I, uh. I have to go to the bathroom or something—

GABE

What?

ZACH

(ALMOST YELLING) Back in a sec.

ZACH NARRATION

There is a side hallway, off the main entrance, that is nothing but display cases about Lithuania. At the moment, it is my favorite place on earth. There’s a lot of selling points: it’s cool and quiet, and nobody can look at my eyes or fail to get my jokes or say anything about how I rest my forehead against the smooth, chilly glass.

Lithuania is a small country in Northern Europe. It’s home to nearly three million people, and I feel an embarrassed pang that I could live for seventeen years and miss stuff like that, entire countries. I have a sudden, queasy sense of just how little of the world I’ll ever see. Billions of people I won’t meet, all the places I’ll never go.

How much longer can I stay out here? I’d fake a stomach flu except I’m everyone’s ride home.

FX: VERY DISTANT GENERIC POP

LESLIE

(HISSING) What are you doing.

ZACH

(STARTLED NOISE) Oh, Leslie, Jesus. (A BEAT) Did you know Lithuania was the first Soviet republic to declare independence?

LESLIE

(DISMISSIVE) Everybody knows that. (MORE SERIOUS) I meant, what happened back there?

ZACH

(SIGHS) Nothing.

FX: LESLIE PULLS A FLIP PHONE FROM HER POCKET, FLIPS IT OPEN, AND STARTS TO TYPE.

ZACH

What’re you doing?

LESLIE

Letting Krista and Gabe know I found you, since the last time you disappeared with no warning was enough of that to last us all forever.

FX: STILL TYPING.

ZACH

Leslie—

LESLIE

I’m not done yet, hang on.

FX: TYPING STOPS. TEXT IS SENT

LESLIE

Are you okay?

ZACH

I’m fine.

LESLIE

Are you and Gabe fighting?

ZACH

No.

LESLIE

Because we saw you shout something and leave, and he was standing there—

ZACH

I didn’t—okay, I see how that could’ve looked, but Gabe is fine, promise. Gabe is great.

LESLIE

How would you know that? You’re not in there.

ZACH

Whatever, he’s just mad about something, like that’s news. Maybe he’s plotting to overthrow the Prom King and establish, like, a Prom president--

LESLIE

Don’t be a dick, Zach. You’re not actually that good at it. (A BEAT) Look, I get that he can probably be clingy and overprotective, and whatever you said, I’m sure it didn’t come out of nowhere, but this is stressing Krista out, so can you guys try to—

ZACH NARRATION

I bury my hands in my hair. After all this work, all the times I didn’t screw up, I’m still about to ruin Leslie and Krista’s Prom.

ZACH

I can’t tell you what’s going on. But you don’t need to worry. He’s fine, I’m fine. Go back inside, tell Krista it’s cool, and I’ll just—

LESLIE

What, spend the rest of prom hiding from your boyfriend?

ZACH NARRATION

There’s no point. There’s no point to any of it. I’m too worn out to convince anyone I’m happy, and too tired to invent a reason to be sad.

ZACH

(DEEP BREATH) He’s not. (SWALLOWS) Leslie, he’s not my boyfriend.

LESLIE

Okay, I am gonna try being supportive in a sec, but first, I have to. Did you need to break up with him in the middle of prom?

ZACH

We were never together, okay? We never dated.

LESLIE

...does Gabe know you never dated?

ZACH

It’s not a metaphor. Yeah, he knows. It was his idea.

LESLIE

To...never date?

ZACH

To pretend like we were.

LESLIE

Okay, Zach, I am gonna need so much more information--

ZACH NARRATION

And so I tell her everything. Or, not everything, because it’s a long story and Leslie probably has plans for the rest of her life. But I give her the rough outline.

Leslie opens her mouth. She closes her mouth. The look on her face is indescribable. She opens her mouth again.

ZACH

(WINCING) I know what you’re gonna say—

LESLIE

Do you? Do you, Zach?

ZACH

Um.

LESLIE

Why would this seem like a good idea?

ZACH

Oh. No, it didn’t, but I didn’t know what else to do—

LESLIE

Other than pretend to date Gabe for three months.

ZACH

Uh, two and a half.

LESLIE

Oh my god, your heart was in the right place, but where was your head? Where was his head? If you wanted to support our relationship, you do realize, right, that you could’ve just told us you supported our relationship—

ZACH

You two weren’t together yet. And like I said, he thought if there was, like, a same-sex couple already going to prom, Krista’d be more likely to ask you—

LESLIE

Yeah, and then I asked her. Weeks ago.

ZACH

We wanted to make sure you two would last until prom.

LESLIE

Why?

ZACH

I don’t know. It seemed—important?

LESLIE

I appreciate it. I do. You were trying to help, and I promise that means a lot to me, but like. Was your plan to just keep doing this indefinitely, until Krista graduates or we break up?

ZACH

(HEAVILY) No. No, this is the last night.

LESLIE

Okay. Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.

ZACH

You can say it, you can go ahead and say how dumb I am—

LESLIE

That’s not the word I’d use. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, you’re exactly as dumb as he is.

ZACH

At least Gabe didn’t pretend to date someone he’s in love with.

LESLIE

You haven’t told him anything about how you feel, have you?

ZACH

Nope.

LESLIE

You realize you have to, right?

ZACH

No, I don’t. Oh my god, why would I do that?

LESLIE

If someone liked you, wouldn’t you want to know?

ZACH

If I tell him now, after everything, that’s gonna look like I was tricking him into—

LESLIE

So your reason for not telling him is that you should’ve told him sooner? Do you see the problem with that argument.

LESLIE

He’s gonna hate me, Leslie.

LESLIE

Okay. Oh hell, okay, let’s count. One: you don’t know that. Two: Gabe is – and I don’t say this lightly – an intensely awkward human, but if you think he would hate someone for liking him, that’s, uh, that’s on you. Three: you’re not planning on talking to him again, so what are you losing?

ZACH

But he could just, he could forget me and be fine with it, or he could remember me as this creepy, creepy guy who—

LESLIE

Zach, look at me. You draw cat comics for math help. You’re the size of a terrier. You couldn’t be creepy if that was your goal.

ZACH

It’s so messed up. What if you learned this random person you didn’t even like had all these gross feelings—

LESLIE

Stop. Zach, I love you like a brother but do you ever listen to yourself speak? Ever? Oh, ‘this random person’ that he pretended to date for a very long time—

ZACH

Leslie, I was his last choice, okay? Which I know because he told me—

LESLIE

Yeah. You know, that isn’t so surprising given that he didn’t know you back then, and you seemed quite set on not helping him out with that.

But do you think there is maybe a possibility that in the, I’m guessing, considerable amount of time it took for you guys to coordinate this, just perhaps at some point you both relaxed enough to realize you could have fun together, which is, by the way, what I said from the very beginning, why does nobody ever listen to me?

ZACH

Did I, like, say something dickish about hugs and friendship bracelets?

LESLIE

I don’t remember, but it wouldn’t, y’know, shock me?

You said it was getting easy to talk to him, so is it that wild that—

ZACH

If he had fun too then I definitely can’t ruin it by telling him—

LESLIE

So instead you’re just gonna let him think you don’t wanna be friends?

ZACH

That’s not—

LESLIE

You didn’t witness Krista trying to cheer him up after you left. It was grim.

ZACH

He’s sad?

LESLIE

Do you ever listen to what anyone— (SIGHS) Yes, Zach. He’s sad. Remember when I thought you’d dumped him?

ZACH

So, either ruin it by doing nothing or ruin it by confessing all my stupid—

LESLIE

Either you ruin it by doing nothing or you take a risk and maybe it will be fine. Those are your choices. Be brave, baby bird. Fly.

ZACH NARRATION

I think about Gabe, curled up glumly in the passenger seat, all the times I vowed to myself that if I knew how to make him feel better, I would. All the promises I made with ease because at no point did it occur to me that life might call my bluff. Would I do anything to fix it? Even if ‘anything’ meant looking Gabe in the eye and saying—

ZACH

What if I’m a baby chicken, though.

LESLIE

(FRUSTRATED GROAN) You asked him out in front of the whole cafeteria. You can do this. It will be fine. I can’t picture Gabe being angry about this. Honestly—

ZACH

What?

LESLIE

Talk to him, I’m still, you know, sort of—piecing my fragile reality back together, but I would be stunned if Gabe was a jerk about it. Zach. Zach. Please talk to him. Please. Talk to him. Please—

ZACH

What—

LESLIE

Talk to him. C’mon, let’s go back in, so I can find my girlfriend and you can find Gabe and, in the name of God—

ZACH

“Talk to him”?

ZACH NARRATION

All I want to do is curl up in a ball somewhere, but she’s right, there are two options left, and only one of them is worth taking.

FX: FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR.

LESLIE

Smart boy. Krista!

KRISTA

Leslie, hey. Thought I’d check on you.

ZACH NARRATION

I turn my head so they can reunite in peace or whatever. Krista’s hand is on Leslie’s back, and they whisper back and forth for a few seconds, hopefully not, “Oh hey, did you know Zach and Gabe’s whole relationship is a huge sham?” but the conversation doesn’t seem long enough, and anyway, I think, toeing the ground, rumor has it there is an entire world beyond my own ridiculous life.

LESLIE

Oh! Zach! Last time we saw Gabe, he was getting something to drink.

ZACH

Okay. Thanks.

ZACH NARRATION

My internal organs flop around in my body. ‘Get this over with,’ I think. ‘Be brave for five seconds and get this over with.’

Catching up with Gabe by the refreshments means cutting across the dance floor but there’s no time to worry about that, because I am racing against my own cowardice, and any second my resolve will fail. Above me, the disco ball flings specks of light in a woozy circle. The DJ is playing some down-tempo pop song, a woman’s voice crooning about forever, and I dodge past the lurkers on the sidelines, past people making out, past couples having their first dance and moving so goddamn slow that it feels like I’m fighting through a forest of sequins and body odor.

I’m breathing hard by the time I emerge. The refreshments table is long and white and covered with cheap snacks in fancy bowls, and Gabe is nowhere to be seen.

ZACH

Goddammit. Are you serious?

MIKE

(SNEERING) Looking for someone?

ZACH

Mike. Where is he?

MIKE

You don’t know?

ZACH

Where the hell is my boyfriend?

MIKE

I don’t have to--

ZACH

(HOPPED UP ON ADRENALINE) I don’t have time for your bullshit, Mike. Talk to Eddie about what happens when people screw with us.

MIKE

Jesus, chill. He went out the side door.

ZACH

Why?

MIKE

I don’t know, to cry?

ZACH

Go to Hell, Mike!

ZACH NARRATION

I dive back into the crowd, wrestling my way through another dozen personal moments. My lungs burn. My eyes water. I weave and elbow and dodge and stumble back out on the other side, and only then does it occur to me this could maybe be a trap.

FX: PHONE TYPING.

ZACH

(TINNY) Side door left of dance floor, I text Leslie. (TINNY) If I’m not back in 5 min, come get me. Then I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and wrench open the door.

The parking lot is chilly after the jungle heat of hundreds of bodies. Gabe is standing under a sodium light, looking somehow more intense than usual with the color bleached out of him.

FX: SIDE DOOR CLOSING BEHIND ZACH

ZACH

Hey, we need to talk.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

And that’s when I realize that in order to bring this whole mess to light, I need to not only come clean but shape all my confessions into words and vocalize them right to Gabe’s face. All of my nerves descend at once. It’s like getting hit by a sandbag, but all over.

ZACH

But first, I need to sit down.

GABE

Where?

ZACH

(ALMOST QUEASY) On the ground.

FX: ZACH DROPS TO SIT ON THE BLACKTOP.

ZACH NARRATION

I brace my spine against the rough brick of the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center. Words. This is gonna be so terrible. I hug my knees. There’s no point in trying to look cool. Gabe has seen me cry.

ZACH

Look—

GABE

Did Leslie say something to you?

ZACH

Yeah, why?

GABE

Don’t let her bully you like that. That’s not—I’ll talk to her.

FX: A FEW FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

ZACH

(SMALL VOICE) Don’t go. I want—I wanna be friends.

FX: THE FOOTSTEPS STOP.

GABE


Oh, suddenly?

ZACH

No, for a while. C’mon, dude, don’t you think I’d know whether or not—

GABE

Yes. God, you’re a smart person, and I can see that, but sometimes I really wish you’d do me the same courtesy—

ZACH

I don’t think you’re stupid. When have I ever implied—

FX: GABE PACES THE BLACKTOP.

GABE

How many times do you think you need to say it? I know I’m stubborn, I know it can take a while sometimes for something to sink in, but at some point, even I get it, Zach, given how very very hard you’ve worked to make it obvious. (PAUSE)

I’m so tired of this. I really, really am. Everything. Lying to my friends. Lying to my parents. But even more than that, I am tired of telling myself there’s something I can do about this.

ZACH

What are you—

GABE

I get it, It’s not like I don’t know. I’ve told you so many things, things I’ve only told my closest friends, things I’ve never told anyone, and you listened, and you said the right stuff back, and I’d think, ‘Well, this time is different. This time, it has to mean something.’ And then, every single time, you’d turn around and say, ‘Hey, good news, soon we don’t have to see each other anymore!’ ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be completely insane if we were friends or something? God, Gabe, isn’t it just—beyond any possible imagining?’

ZACH

I didn’t mean it like that.

GABE

No? Then how did you mean it?

ZACH

I didn’t think you’d care?

GABE

I’m not a robot.

ZACH

More like, how a ship doesn’t have to worry what a barnacle thinks of it, or a dog isn’t gonna stress out about a tick’s opinion—I promise I wanna be your friend, man.

GABE

And the reason you’ve never acted like it before this second—

ZACH

Yes I have. All the freaking time. I’ve hugged you more in the last 48 hours than I’ve hugged anyone in years—

GABE

Three times?

ZACH

Yeah.

GABE

That’s, you were under so much stress.

ZACH

Have you ever hugged someone you didn’t like? It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t help.

GABE

(HALTINGLY) Then why go to all this effort to pretend you didn’t want to talk to me.

ZACH

(DEEP BREATH) Look. I’m gonna tell you a secret. And after, if you still wanna hang out—um, I’d really like that. And if you don’t, I’ll understand.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

No matter what happens, tomorrow I’ll play Halo with Tori. I’ll work on Astro-cat, and I’ll draw my own stuff too, and I’ll hang out with Leslie, and maybe I’ll drag Tori and Cody to the art museum this summer. Long-term, my life is not over. It’s just the moment I’m in now that sucks, and time is a shitty bridge, but it will eventually carry me somewhere else.

ZACH

So. Uh, back in March, when I pretended to ask you out? I did it because I wanted to help Leslie and Krista, and because I was, like, fed up with all the bullshit at school. But the thing is. I also, I’d kind of—had this huge crush on you. Pretty much since that first detention.

And I know how that sounds, but like, that wasn’t my reason to do it. Honestly, it was a reason not to, because I didn’t wanna spend time with you back then. And not, it wasn’t your fault. I just, I didn’t like who I was around you. Like, I’m not normally that much of an asshole—

GABE

(DISTANTLY) I know.

ZACH

And of course, I should’ve told you, but I never tried to use you. If anything, it just made everything agony—I mean, I enjoyed a lot of it. Joking with you, hanging out in my car.

GABE

But you liked me.

ZACH

Yeah. Look, maybe I can skip meetings for the rest of the year, or—

GABE

Next week you’ll still be out of the closet. If you can stand to keep coming, you need to. You don’t wanna seem vulnerable to people like Mike or Eddie.

ZACH

If it’s awkward, though.

GABE

I’ll work through it. (A BEAT) Just, like—Um. Can I ask when you stopped?

ZACH

What?

GABE

(HESITANTLY) You said you had a crush on me. And so I wondered when— (HUFFS) You know, it’s none of my business, never mind.

ZACH NARRATION

Only then do I catch on. By sticking with past tense, I built myself an escape hatch without even trying. This is my opportunity to clear the air while still escaping most of the consequences.

On the other hand, I could quit lying to Gabe.

ZACH

Here’s the thing. I never stopped. Hell, I like you more now, knowing how weird you are. And funny and cool—yeah, it’s only gotten way, way worse.

A PAUSE

ZACH

Sorry, I really am gonna try not to make it a big deal, but—

GABE

Zach, can you stand up, please?

ZACH

I don’t actually know?

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

And then Gabe’s dropping to his knees until he’s in my space and Gabe is smiling, which doesn’t make any sense but it’s nice, and then Gabe is very carefully reaching up to fit his hand to the side of my face, which makes even less sense but is also nice, and when I start to give him a helplessly confused smile, Gabe beams like I’ve done something brilliant.

GABE

Zach Wilson, will you go out with me?

ZACH

What?

GABE

I thought you knew I liked you. I thought you knew, and we were, we were politely ignoring it—

ZACH

What?

GABE

How could you not tell? I’ve been so obvious—

ZACH

Sorry, I’m still, like— Still processing?

GABE

That’s okay. But can you kiss and process at the same time?

ZACH NARRATION

He must’ve moved forward at some point, although I think I might’ve too, because I can’t feel the wall at my back anymore. Of course, I also can’t feel the ground or the outside air or really anything except for the way the pad of Gabe’s thumb has come to rest on my lower lip.

ZACH

I think we should try.

ZACH NARRATION

It’s our first kiss that isn’t about anything else, which in a way makes it our first kiss, I think hazily as we bridge that last bit of distance. We don’t have to worry about how this looks. I can just close my eyes and notice the cold tip of Gabe’s nose and his much warmer mouth, the way our lips move together, kind of clumsy at first, and then less clumsy, and then Gabe slides his hand to the back of my head and I gasp, half from the kiss and half from Gabe’s fingers tangled in my hair, which feel really, really—

FX: DOOR OPENS.

LESLIE

Hey guys, everything alright?

ZACH NARRATION

I break away to apologize for giving the poor girl a heart attack except when I check, Leslie is not exactly slack-jawed. She takes in the scene—me sitting, Gabe kneeling, our knees tangled together—and I notice for the first time that it must be uncomfortable, the way we were both stretching to make the angle work.

LESLIE

Did you talk to him?

ZACH

Yes, Leslie.

LESLIE

Was I right?

GABE

(PLEASANTLY) Goodbye, Leslie.

LESLIE

Bye, kids. (FX: SHE WHISKS THE DOOR OPEN) Have fun kissing on the ground. (DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HER)

ZACH

She didn’t seem very surprised.

GABE

She thinks we’re dating.

ZACH

I told her we weren’t, that’s why she made me talk to you.

GABE

She could probably guess how I felt, since I’ve been incredibly obvious from the second I realized I liked you.

ZACH

Sorry, when was this supposed lightning bolt?

GABE

The day you asked me out in front of everyone. I don’t know. It was—brave, and principled. Also pretty hot?

ZACH

Um, I thought you were horrified?

GABE

Oh, I was. Come on, I almost asked you out a week ago.

ZACH

(SLOWLY) When we were singing that song in my van.

GABE

And the only reason I didn’t—

ZACH

Was because I disappeared to get high.

GABE

Well. You called me ‘dear.’

ZACH NARRATION

It takes my brain a long, discombobulated second to work out why this is such a problem. Our word that meant ‘stop.’ Our word that meant ‘you’re going too far’. I’m not sure what made me say it, what I was even going for. Gabe had been standing there, furious and unbending, and I had wanted to hurt him mostly because I didn’t think I could. It had felt like yelling at the sky.

ZACH

I didn’t really. I mean, you weren’t even touching me, so what would—

GABE

I thought you were telling me to back off.

ZACH

No. No, no.

ZACH NARRATION

Holding Gabe when we’re both still on the ground means more or less crawling into his lap, but Gabe doesn’t protest, just pulls me in.

GABE

I know. It’s okay. I could’ve just told you in your van. Also, you caught me checking you out.

ZACH

What?

GABE

In my room, when you took off your shirt?

ZACH

I thought you were disapproving.

GABE

No, I, uh. Definitely approved. Can you confess something back? This is terrible.

ZACH

I bought Tell Me How Long the Train’s Been Gone.

GABE

(ALMOST SHY) Did you like it?

ZACH

Dude, I’ve read it seven times.

GABE

Really?

ZACH

“Everyone wishes to be loved, but in the event, nearly no one can bear it. Everyone desires love but also finds it impossible to believe that he deserves it.”

ZACH NARRATION

And then we’re kissing again. My skin is buzzing, there are rocks in my shoes, and we’re kissing, and if we weren’t doing this outside on the cold, grimy blacktop, I’d probably just assume the whole thing was an unusually hot fever dream.

ZACH


Hey, this is, uh, really really great but if we keep going like this, I just, um. Maybe, maybe you don’t want to lose your virginity outside, in a parking lot, behind the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center?

GABE

Virginity is a societal construct.

ZACH

Okay. (DEEP BREATH) But maybe I don’t want to lose my virginity in a parking lot by the Lithuanian—


GABE

Oh no. Oh no, I’m sorry—

ZACH

You’re cool.

GABE

Do you, like, want it to be, uh, more romantic, or—?

ZACH

No, no, no. No, god. I’m not talking flower petals and smooth jazz, just maybe. You know. A room with walls and a floor. A door. A ceiling’d be nice but not, like, essential, I guess?

GABE

That is a very attainable goal. Hey, Zach, will you go out with me?

ZACH

(LAUGHING) Oh my god—

GABE

“Oh my god” as in—?

ZACH

Of course.

GABE

Are you free tonight? Like, after you drive everyone home? My parents aren’t necessarily expecting me back until tomorrow. (HURRIEDLY) I mean, we could just hang out in your room and talk Baldwin, and I wanted to ask about The Golden Compass anyway—

ZACH

Yes. Yes, of course, that is the perfect date, yes. (LAUGHS) Shit, your poor parents, thinking you’re out fooling around, when really you’re just, like, having a literary discussion—

GABE

I mean, maybe a little fooling around.

ZACH

But you’re—I mean—you said you’re asexual, or like, in that general, uh, direction—and I don’t wanna—

GABE

I’m on that spectrum. It’s a wide spectrum.

ZACH

And you’ll, like, tell me if I do something you don’t like?

GABE

(LAUGHS) Zach, at what point so far has that been a problem?

ZACH

Sorry, I feel like I’m flubbing my end of this, or something.

GABE

Are you kidding? When I used to try to daydream this conversation, I swear to God it never went this well. Come here. Zach, you’re my dream guy. (LAUGHING A LITTLE)

ZACH

(GRINNING) No.

GABE

Yeah. Hey.

ZACH

Yeah?

GABE

Can we… I don’t mind spending prom in a parking lot together, I seriously don’t, but I just—I kind of wanted to slow dance with you. I know it’s cheesy, I know it’s such a cliché, but I’d been thinking about it—

ZACH

Gabe, that is a very attainable goal.

FX: DOOR OPENS, AND THEY STEP INSIDE. STILL CROWD DIN AND A RAUNCHY-SOUNDING DANCE HIT IS PLAYING.

ZACH NARRATION

Inside, it’s dark and warm and so loud that we have to talk into each other’s ears to be heard. Gabe laces our fingers together, and his face is resolute, but his grip is shaky. I squeeze his hand.

GABE

What now?

ZACH

We wait until the DJ picks something that works.

GABE

What’s wrong with this one?

THE RAUNCHY DANCE HIT

(SOME LYRICS FILTER THROUGH.)

ZACH

It’s, uh, not a slow dance song.

ZACH NARRATION

I nod to the dance floor, where kids are gyrating and shaking their hips and moving all over each other. Gabe doesn’t seem to notice.

GABE

I have waited two and half months for this. I’m not gonna stand here all night waiting for the DJ to do his goddamn job.

ZACH

If we ignored every other beat, we could probably still—

GABE

Yeah. Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

Nobody’s watching us, too busy bumping and grinding and occasionally rolling their eyes at the parent chaperone’s doomed attempts to keep tonight PG.

I put my hands on Gabe’s waist, and Gabe follows suit, tucking my head under his chin. His hands are careful on my back. We sway to every other beat. Gabe hums, tuneless and I can feel the reverberations. I breathe in and smell oranges.

ZACH

Hey. Y’know, if it doesn’t work out with the school board—

GABE

It could.

ZACH

But if it doesn’t. Tori’s plan—telling the press about what happened, making it a whole thing. We don’t have to, but if you’re up for it, I am.

GABE

Yeah?

ZACH

For the record.

GABE

For the record. Yes. Of course. How could you not tell I like you?

ZACH

Ugh, likewise. (LAUGHS) Sorry, this song is so dirty. And sexist, it’s terrible—

GABE

I can’t hear the words.

ZACH NARRATION

Around us, taffeta rustles against suit fabric and the bassline thrums. Some gravel remains in my shoe but it is very, very hard to care from inside Gabe’s arms.

ZACH

Prom magic. Gabe, were you aware that tonight is the most magical night of our lives?

GABE

(GRINNING) Forget that. Forget all that. Things are gonna get so much better.

(ZACH NARRATION)

And there on the dance floor, I smile, close my eyes, and believe him.

ENDMORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

Good evening, Columbus High students! Tonight is Saturday, May 20th, 2006 and as is often the case, these announcements are happening only in Zach’s head, so really, I can say anything at all. Our thanks to Alex Toledo, for ably taking over as DJ half an hour from now when the original guy we hired will quit mid-shift over not being allowed to play “My Humps” three times in a row. Please enjoy tonight’s punch before Atlas McKiernan replaces the entire bowl with a bowl of hot sauce, as a prank.

Bert Bestro is one year away from graduation, and a rewarding career as an international jewel thief. Mary Gleason will vow dramatically to bring Bert to justice, and we all look forward to the face-off. And finally, Rossi managed to avoid detention this week by time traveling back to the Indus Valley civilization, where he will immerse himself learning ancient pottery techniques, until he gets bored and invents modern carpentry instead. (PAUSE) Go Comets!

ZACH NARRATION

For reasons nobody seems to be able to articulate, prom is at the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center.

ZACH

Are we sure?

ZACH NARRATION

I mean both “is this the right venue?” and also “are we confident Lithuania is a real country?” because no matter how hard I rack my brain, I can’t bring up one concrete detail about the place.

FX: DRIVING SOUNDS. THE RUSTLE OF TAFETTA DRESSES

PONNI

It’s been in the announcements so many times.

ANDY

Zach, I will give you forty dollars if you can guess our prom theme.

ZACH

Uh, Lithuania?

LESLIE

Turn left up here.

PONNI

Two more guesses.

ZACH

Oh man. I’m gonna say, ‘high school’? Or wait, ‘Love’? ‘Bad decision-making’?

HORACE

That’s not a theme, that’s a summary.

ZACH

C’mon, does everyone else seriously know this?

ASHLEY

I know it, and I don’t even go here.

ZACH

Give me a hint, someone.

PONNI

What do kids like?

ZACH

Candy? Ninja Turtles? Making fart sounds with their hands?

TORI

You are gonna be so disappointed.

ZACH NARRATION

At the very least, the building is real, and it’s nicer than the school gym. There’s a chandelier in the lobby, and nothing smells like decades of stale sweat. Someone has put up a big sign that announces in construction paper letters, “COLUMBUS HIGH SCHOOL PROM 2006 - A NIGHT OF FAIRYTALE ROMANCE.” Beneath it is a drawing of a castle, which has cartoony eyes and a wide grin. My nightmares will be many and lingering.

I drag my feet on my way to the dance floor—I refuse to call it a ballroom; this is no Austen novel.

FX: PROM CROWD DIN, DISTANTLY. GENERIC POP HIT PLAYING DISTANTLY.

TORI

Hey.

ZACH

(IMPRESSED) Shit, dude, your dress.

TORI

You already saw it.

ZACH

Yeah, but I wasn’t really looking.

ZACH NARRATION

I have witnessed every stage of the dress’s creation, which mostly involved Tori slicing up thrift store gowns and sewing them back together while swearing, but I never stopped to think about how it might all come together when she finished. It has definitely come together.

ZACH

You look like an evil queen in a YA novel.

TORI

That was the goal. Basically.

ZACH

Hey, you were right about the theme.

TORI

Well, yeah.

ZACH

Do you think the people who planned this thing have ever read a fairytale?

TORI

I know, have you seen any wolves yet?

ZACH

Or witches, or trolls or, like Rumplestiltskins. None of this true love, singing bluebirds horseshit—

TORI

Sure thing, Cinderella.

ZACH

Mouse footman. At best.

GABE

What are you guys talking about?

TORI

You two have fun.

ZACH NARRATION

Prom is boring. Why had I never stopped to consider that? At the end of the day, it’s just a room full of people we go to school with, some bland snacks on one side. I got a black eye for this, I think, there should at least be a bouncy castle.

Beside me, Gabe slouches uncomfortably.

GABE

Do you—want some punch or something?

ZACH

Not really.

ZACH NARRATION

I cast around for someone else to talk to, but I hung back too long. Leslie and Krista are on the dance floor together, lost in their own world. Andy, Ashley, Ponni, and Horace are carefully dancing nearby, as if standing guard. It’s wall to wall couples. The air is thick with Axe and perfume.

Gabe must notice the couples thing, too, because he reaches down and takes my elbow, as if that’s what it takes to blend in.

The DJ is half-asleep at his equipment, blasting away on a playlist of top 40 hits from five years ago. Parent chaperones circle the dance floor, trying to intervene when the moves get raunchy, but they might as well stop the tide with a kitchen sponge.

I can only imagine how all the thrusting and ass-shaking must look to Gabe—a pit of cheaply-scented debauchery. But when I glance over, Gabe is busy studying the decorations. I feel cheated of the hilariously judgy expression that is surely my right to witness.

FX: PROM CROWD DIN, GENERIC POP MUSIC.

ZACH

Do you wanna dance?

GABE

(STARTLED) What?

ZACH

Do you wanna—

ZACH NARRATION

I incline my head towards our bumping, grinding peers, and Gabe follows the motion and swallows visibly, eyes widening. The very quality of how his arm is wrapped around my arm changes.

ZACH

Never mind.

GABE

What?

ZACH

It was a joke.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

Gabe turns back to stare at the crepe paper.

I stand there twitching. What do people actually do at a Prom? Dancing is officially out, now and forever. It’s too loud to carry on a conversation, and anyway, what is there left to say? I am out of lines. The machinery of Prom ground us together and then left us stranded here, no instructions. We’re arm in arm in the middle of a crowded room, and nobody is watching.

I yank my elbow free. Gabe looks down at me. The room is full of girls in brightly colored dresses and boys in dark suits, and it’s all warping together, a kaleidoscope with a terrible soundtrack.

ZACH

I, uh. I have to go to the bathroom or something—

GABE

What?

ZACH

(ALMOST YELLING) Back in a sec.

ZACH NARRATION

There is a side hallway, off the main entrance, that is nothing but display cases about Lithuania. At the moment, it is my favorite place on earth. There’s a lot of selling points: it’s cool and quiet, and nobody can look at my eyes or fail to get my jokes or say anything about how I rest my forehead against the smooth, chilly glass.

Lithuania is a small country in Northern Europe. It’s home to nearly three million people, and I feel an embarrassed pang that I could live for seventeen years and miss stuff like that, entire countries. I have a sudden, queasy sense of just how little of the world I’ll ever see. Billions of people I won’t meet, all the places I’ll never go.

How much longer can I stay out here? I’d fake a stomach flu except I’m everyone’s ride home.

FX: VERY DISTANT GENERIC POP

LESLIE

(HISSING) What are you doing.

ZACH

(STARTLED NOISE) Oh, Leslie, Jesus. (A BEAT) Did you know Lithuania was the first Soviet republic to declare independence?

LESLIE

(DISMISSIVE) Everybody knows that. (MORE SERIOUS) I meant, what happened back there?

ZACH

(SIGHS) Nothing.

FX: LESLIE PULLS A FLIP PHONE FROM HER POCKET, FLIPS IT OPEN, AND STARTS TO TYPE.

ZACH

What’re you doing?

LESLIE

Letting Krista and Gabe know I found you, since the last time you disappeared with no warning was enough of that to last us all forever.

FX: STILL TYPING.

ZACH

Leslie—

LESLIE

I’m not done yet, hang on.

FX: TYPING STOPS. TEXT IS SENT

LESLIE

Are you okay?

ZACH

I’m fine.

LESLIE

Are you and Gabe fighting?

ZACH

No.

LESLIE

Because we saw you shout something and leave, and he was standing there—

ZACH

I didn’t—okay, I see how that could’ve looked, but Gabe is fine, promise. Gabe is great.

LESLIE

How would you know that? You’re not in there.

ZACH

Whatever, he’s just mad about something, like that’s news. Maybe he’s plotting to overthrow the Prom King and establish, like, a Prom president--

LESLIE

Don’t be a dick, Zach. You’re not actually that good at it. (A BEAT) Look, I get that he can probably be clingy and overprotective, and whatever you said, I’m sure it didn’t come out of nowhere, but this is stressing Krista out, so can you guys try to—

ZACH NARRATION

I bury my hands in my hair. After all this work, all the times I didn’t screw up, I’m still about to ruin Leslie and Krista’s Prom.

ZACH

I can’t tell you what’s going on. But you don’t need to worry. He’s fine, I’m fine. Go back inside, tell Krista it’s cool, and I’ll just—

LESLIE

What, spend the rest of prom hiding from your boyfriend?

ZACH NARRATION

There’s no point. There’s no point to any of it. I’m too worn out to convince anyone I’m happy, and too tired to invent a reason to be sad.

ZACH

(DEEP BREATH) He’s not. (SWALLOWS) Leslie, he’s not my boyfriend.

LESLIE

Okay, I am gonna try being supportive in a sec, but first, I have to. Did you need to break up with him in the middle of prom?

ZACH

We were never together, okay? We never dated.

LESLIE

...does Gabe know you never dated?

ZACH

It’s not a metaphor. Yeah, he knows. It was his idea.

LESLIE

To...never date?

ZACH

To pretend like we were.

LESLIE

Okay, Zach, I am gonna need so much more information--

ZACH NARRATION

And so I tell her everything. Or, not everything, because it’s a long story and Leslie probably has plans for the rest of her life. But I give her the rough outline.

Leslie opens her mouth. She closes her mouth. The look on her face is indescribable. She opens her mouth again.

ZACH

(WINCING) I know what you’re gonna say—

LESLIE

Do you? Do you, Zach?

ZACH

Um.

LESLIE

Why would this seem like a good idea?

ZACH

Oh. No, it didn’t, but I didn’t know what else to do—

LESLIE

Other than pretend to date Gabe for three months.

ZACH

Uh, two and a half.

LESLIE

Oh my god, your heart was in the right place, but where was your head? Where was his head? If you wanted to support our relationship, you do realize, right, that you could’ve just told us you supported our relationship—

ZACH

You two weren’t together yet. And like I said, he thought if there was, like, a same-sex couple already going to prom, Krista’d be more likely to ask you—

LESLIE

Yeah, and then I asked her. Weeks ago.

ZACH

We wanted to make sure you two would last until prom.

LESLIE

Why?

ZACH

I don’t know. It seemed—important?

LESLIE

I appreciate it. I do. You were trying to help, and I promise that means a lot to me, but like. Was your plan to just keep doing this indefinitely, until Krista graduates or we break up?

ZACH

(HEAVILY) No. No, this is the last night.

LESLIE

Okay. Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.

ZACH

You can say it, you can go ahead and say how dumb I am—

LESLIE

That’s not the word I’d use. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, you’re exactly as dumb as he is.

ZACH

At least Gabe didn’t pretend to date someone he’s in love with.

LESLIE

You haven’t told him anything about how you feel, have you?

ZACH

Nope.

LESLIE

You realize you have to, right?

ZACH

No, I don’t. Oh my god, why would I do that?

LESLIE

If someone liked you, wouldn’t you want to know?

ZACH

If I tell him now, after everything, that’s gonna look like I was tricking him into—

LESLIE

So your reason for not telling him is that you should’ve told him sooner? Do you see the problem with that argument.

LESLIE

He’s gonna hate me, Leslie.

LESLIE

Okay. Oh hell, okay, let’s count. One: you don’t know that. Two: Gabe is – and I don’t say this lightly – an intensely awkward human, but if you think he would hate someone for liking him, that’s, uh, that’s on you. Three: you’re not planning on talking to him again, so what are you losing?

ZACH

But he could just, he could forget me and be fine with it, or he could remember me as this creepy, creepy guy who—

LESLIE

Zach, look at me. You draw cat comics for math help. You’re the size of a terrier. You couldn’t be creepy if that was your goal.

ZACH

It’s so messed up. What if you learned this random person you didn’t even like had all these gross feelings—

LESLIE

Stop. Zach, I love you like a brother but do you ever listen to yourself speak? Ever? Oh, ‘this random person’ that he pretended to date for a very long time—

ZACH

Leslie, I was his last choice, okay? Which I know because he told me—

LESLIE

Yeah. You know, that isn’t so surprising given that he didn’t know you back then, and you seemed quite set on not helping him out with that.

But do you think there is maybe a possibility that in the, I’m guessing, considerable amount of time it took for you guys to coordinate this, just perhaps at some point you both relaxed enough to realize you could have fun together, which is, by the way, what I said from the very beginning, why does nobody ever listen to me?

ZACH

Did I, like, say something dickish about hugs and friendship bracelets?

LESLIE

I don’t remember, but it wouldn’t, y’know, shock me?

You said it was getting easy to talk to him, so is it that wild that—

ZACH

If he had fun too then I definitely can’t ruin it by telling him—

LESLIE

So instead you’re just gonna let him think you don’t wanna be friends?

ZACH

That’s not—

LESLIE

You didn’t witness Krista trying to cheer him up after you left. It was grim.

ZACH

He’s sad?

LESLIE

Do you ever listen to what anyone— (SIGHS) Yes, Zach. He’s sad. Remember when I thought you’d dumped him?

ZACH

So, either ruin it by doing nothing or ruin it by confessing all my stupid—

LESLIE

Either you ruin it by doing nothing or you take a risk and maybe it will be fine. Those are your choices. Be brave, baby bird. Fly.

ZACH NARRATION

I think about Gabe, curled up glumly in the passenger seat, all the times I vowed to myself that if I knew how to make him feel better, I would. All the promises I made with ease because at no point did it occur to me that life might call my bluff. Would I do anything to fix it? Even if ‘anything’ meant looking Gabe in the eye and saying—

ZACH

What if I’m a baby chicken, though.

LESLIE

(FRUSTRATED GROAN) You asked him out in front of the whole cafeteria. You can do this. It will be fine. I can’t picture Gabe being angry about this. Honestly—

ZACH

What?

LESLIE

Talk to him, I’m still, you know, sort of—piecing my fragile reality back together, but I would be stunned if Gabe was a jerk about it. Zach. Zach. Please talk to him. Please. Talk to him. Please—

ZACH

What—

LESLIE

Talk to him. C’mon, let’s go back in, so I can find my girlfriend and you can find Gabe and, in the name of God—

ZACH

“Talk to him”?

ZACH NARRATION

All I want to do is curl up in a ball somewhere, but she’s right, there are two options left, and only one of them is worth taking.

FX: FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR.

LESLIE

Smart boy. Krista!

KRISTA

Leslie, hey. Thought I’d check on you.

ZACH NARRATION

I turn my head so they can reunite in peace or whatever. Krista’s hand is on Leslie’s back, and they whisper back and forth for a few seconds, hopefully not, “Oh hey, did you know Zach and Gabe’s whole relationship is a huge sham?” but the conversation doesn’t seem long enough, and anyway, I think, toeing the ground, rumor has it there is an entire world beyond my own ridiculous life.

LESLIE

Oh! Zach! Last time we saw Gabe, he was getting something to drink.

ZACH

Okay. Thanks.

ZACH NARRATION

My internal organs flop around in my body. ‘Get this over with,’ I think. ‘Be brave for five seconds and get this over with.’

Catching up with Gabe by the refreshments means cutting across the dance floor but there’s no time to worry about that, because I am racing against my own cowardice, and any second my resolve will fail. Above me, the disco ball flings specks of light in a woozy circle. The DJ is playing some down-tempo pop song, a woman’s voice crooning about forever, and I dodge past the lurkers on the sidelines, past people making out, past couples having their first dance and moving so goddamn slow that it feels like I’m fighting through a forest of sequins and body odor.

I’m breathing hard by the time I emerge. The refreshments table is long and white and covered with cheap snacks in fancy bowls, and Gabe is nowhere to be seen.

ZACH

Goddammit. Are you serious?

MIKE

(SNEERING) Looking for someone?

ZACH

Mike. Where is he?

MIKE

You don’t know?

ZACH

Where the hell is my boyfriend?

MIKE

I don’t have to--

ZACH

(HOPPED UP ON ADRENALINE) I don’t have time for your bullshit, Mike. Talk to Eddie about what happens when people screw with us.

MIKE

Jesus, chill. He went out the side door.

ZACH

Why?

MIKE

I don’t know, to cry?

ZACH

Go to Hell, Mike!

ZACH NARRATION

I dive back into the crowd, wrestling my way through another dozen personal moments. My lungs burn. My eyes water. I weave and elbow and dodge and stumble back out on the other side, and only then does it occur to me this could maybe be a trap.

FX: PHONE TYPING.

ZACH

(TINNY) Side door left of dance floor, I text Leslie. (TINNY) If I’m not back in 5 min, come get me. Then I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and wrench open the door.

The parking lot is chilly after the jungle heat of hundreds of bodies. Gabe is standing under a sodium light, looking somehow more intense than usual with the color bleached out of him.

FX: SIDE DOOR CLOSING BEHIND ZACH

ZACH

Hey, we need to talk.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

And that’s when I realize that in order to bring this whole mess to light, I need to not only come clean but shape all my confessions into words and vocalize them right to Gabe’s face. All of my nerves descend at once. It’s like getting hit by a sandbag, but all over.

ZACH

But first, I need to sit down.

GABE

Where?

ZACH

(ALMOST QUEASY) On the ground.

FX: ZACH DROPS TO SIT ON THE BLACKTOP.

ZACH NARRATION

I brace my spine against the rough brick of the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center. Words. This is gonna be so terrible. I hug my knees. There’s no point in trying to look cool. Gabe has seen me cry.

ZACH

Look—

GABE

Did Leslie say something to you?

ZACH

Yeah, why?

GABE

Don’t let her bully you like that. That’s not—I’ll talk to her.

FX: A FEW FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

ZACH

(SMALL VOICE) Don’t go. I want—I wanna be friends.

FX: THE FOOTSTEPS STOP.

GABE


Oh, suddenly?

ZACH

No, for a while. C’mon, dude, don’t you think I’d know whether or not—

GABE

Yes. God, you’re a smart person, and I can see that, but sometimes I really wish you’d do me the same courtesy—

ZACH

I don’t think you’re stupid. When have I ever implied—

FX: GABE PACES THE BLACKTOP.

GABE

How many times do you think you need to say it? I know I’m stubborn, I know it can take a while sometimes for something to sink in, but at some point, even I get it, Zach, given how very very hard you’ve worked to make it obvious. (PAUSE)

I’m so tired of this. I really, really am. Everything. Lying to my friends. Lying to my parents. But even more than that, I am tired of telling myself there’s something I can do about this.

ZACH

What are you—

GABE

I get it, It’s not like I don’t know. I’ve told you so many things, things I’ve only told my closest friends, things I’ve never told anyone, and you listened, and you said the right stuff back, and I’d think, ‘Well, this time is different. This time, it has to mean something.’ And then, every single time, you’d turn around and say, ‘Hey, good news, soon we don’t have to see each other anymore!’ ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be completely insane if we were friends or something? God, Gabe, isn’t it just—beyond any possible imagining?’

ZACH

I didn’t mean it like that.

GABE

No? Then how did you mean it?

ZACH

I didn’t think you’d care?

GABE

I’m not a robot.

ZACH

More like, how a ship doesn’t have to worry what a barnacle thinks of it, or a dog isn’t gonna stress out about a tick’s opinion—I promise I wanna be your friend, man.

GABE

And the reason you’ve never acted like it before this second—

ZACH

Yes I have. All the freaking time. I’ve hugged you more in the last 48 hours than I’ve hugged anyone in years—

GABE

Three times?

ZACH

Yeah.

GABE

That’s, you were under so much stress.

ZACH

Have you ever hugged someone you didn’t like? It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t help.

GABE

(HALTINGLY) Then why go to all this effort to pretend you didn’t want to talk to me.

ZACH

(DEEP BREATH) Look. I’m gonna tell you a secret. And after, if you still wanna hang out—um, I’d really like that. And if you don’t, I’ll understand.

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

No matter what happens, tomorrow I’ll play Halo with Tori. I’ll work on Astro-cat, and I’ll draw my own stuff too, and I’ll hang out with Leslie, and maybe I’ll drag Tori and Cody to the art museum this summer. Long-term, my life is not over. It’s just the moment I’m in now that sucks, and time is a shitty bridge, but it will eventually carry me somewhere else.

ZACH

So. Uh, back in March, when I pretended to ask you out? I did it because I wanted to help Leslie and Krista, and because I was, like, fed up with all the bullshit at school. But the thing is. I also, I’d kind of—had this huge crush on you. Pretty much since that first detention.

And I know how that sounds, but like, that wasn’t my reason to do it. Honestly, it was a reason not to, because I didn’t wanna spend time with you back then. And not, it wasn’t your fault. I just, I didn’t like who I was around you. Like, I’m not normally that much of an asshole—

GABE

(DISTANTLY) I know.

ZACH

And of course, I should’ve told you, but I never tried to use you. If anything, it just made everything agony—I mean, I enjoyed a lot of it. Joking with you, hanging out in my car.

GABE

But you liked me.

ZACH

Yeah. Look, maybe I can skip meetings for the rest of the year, or—

GABE

Next week you’ll still be out of the closet. If you can stand to keep coming, you need to. You don’t wanna seem vulnerable to people like Mike or Eddie.

ZACH

If it’s awkward, though.

GABE

I’ll work through it. (A BEAT) Just, like—Um. Can I ask when you stopped?

ZACH

What?

GABE

(HESITANTLY) You said you had a crush on me. And so I wondered when— (HUFFS) You know, it’s none of my business, never mind.

ZACH NARRATION

Only then do I catch on. By sticking with past tense, I built myself an escape hatch without even trying. This is my opportunity to clear the air while still escaping most of the consequences.

On the other hand, I could quit lying to Gabe.

ZACH

Here’s the thing. I never stopped. Hell, I like you more now, knowing how weird you are. And funny and cool—yeah, it’s only gotten way, way worse.

A PAUSE

ZACH

Sorry, I really am gonna try not to make it a big deal, but—

GABE

Zach, can you stand up, please?

ZACH

I don’t actually know?

GABE

Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

And then Gabe’s dropping to his knees until he’s in my space and Gabe is smiling, which doesn’t make any sense but it’s nice, and then Gabe is very carefully reaching up to fit his hand to the side of my face, which makes even less sense but is also nice, and when I start to give him a helplessly confused smile, Gabe beams like I’ve done something brilliant.

GABE

Zach Wilson, will you go out with me?

ZACH

What?

GABE

I thought you knew I liked you. I thought you knew, and we were, we were politely ignoring it—

ZACH

What?

GABE

How could you not tell? I’ve been so obvious—

ZACH

Sorry, I’m still, like— Still processing?

GABE

That’s okay. But can you kiss and process at the same time?

ZACH NARRATION

He must’ve moved forward at some point, although I think I might’ve too, because I can’t feel the wall at my back anymore. Of course, I also can’t feel the ground or the outside air or really anything except for the way the pad of Gabe’s thumb has come to rest on my lower lip.

ZACH

I think we should try.

ZACH NARRATION

It’s our first kiss that isn’t about anything else, which in a way makes it our first kiss, I think hazily as we bridge that last bit of distance. We don’t have to worry about how this looks. I can just close my eyes and notice the cold tip of Gabe’s nose and his much warmer mouth, the way our lips move together, kind of clumsy at first, and then less clumsy, and then Gabe slides his hand to the back of my head and I gasp, half from the kiss and half from Gabe’s fingers tangled in my hair, which feel really, really—

FX: DOOR OPENS.

LESLIE

Hey guys, everything alright?

ZACH NARRATION

I break away to apologize for giving the poor girl a heart attack except when I check, Leslie is not exactly slack-jawed. She takes in the scene—me sitting, Gabe kneeling, our knees tangled together—and I notice for the first time that it must be uncomfortable, the way we were both stretching to make the angle work.

LESLIE

Did you talk to him?

ZACH

Yes, Leslie.

LESLIE

Was I right?

GABE

(PLEASANTLY) Goodbye, Leslie.

LESLIE

Bye, kids. (FX: SHE WHISKS THE DOOR OPEN) Have fun kissing on the ground. (DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HER)

ZACH

She didn’t seem very surprised.

GABE

She thinks we’re dating.

ZACH

I told her we weren’t, that’s why she made me talk to you.

GABE

She could probably guess how I felt, since I’ve been incredibly obvious from the second I realized I liked you.

ZACH

Sorry, when was this supposed lightning bolt?

GABE

The day you asked me out in front of everyone. I don’t know. It was—brave, and principled. Also pretty hot?

ZACH

Um, I thought you were horrified?

GABE

Oh, I was. Come on, I almost asked you out a week ago.

ZACH

(SLOWLY) When we were singing that song in my van.

GABE

And the only reason I didn’t—

ZACH

Was because I disappeared to get high.

GABE

Well. You called me ‘dear.’

ZACH NARRATION

It takes my brain a long, discombobulated second to work out why this is such a problem. Our word that meant ‘stop.’ Our word that meant ‘you’re going too far’. I’m not sure what made me say it, what I was even going for. Gabe had been standing there, furious and unbending, and I had wanted to hurt him mostly because I didn’t think I could. It had felt like yelling at the sky.

ZACH

I didn’t really. I mean, you weren’t even touching me, so what would—

GABE

I thought you were telling me to back off.

ZACH

No. No, no.

ZACH NARRATION

Holding Gabe when we’re both still on the ground means more or less crawling into his lap, but Gabe doesn’t protest, just pulls me in.

GABE

I know. It’s okay. I could’ve just told you in your van. Also, you caught me checking you out.

ZACH

What?

GABE

In my room, when you took off your shirt?

ZACH

I thought you were disapproving.

GABE

No, I, uh. Definitely approved. Can you confess something back? This is terrible.

ZACH

I bought Tell Me How Long the Train’s Been Gone.

GABE

(ALMOST SHY) Did you like it?

ZACH

Dude, I’ve read it seven times.

GABE

Really?

ZACH

“Everyone wishes to be loved, but in the event, nearly no one can bear it. Everyone desires love but also finds it impossible to believe that he deserves it.”

ZACH NARRATION

And then we’re kissing again. My skin is buzzing, there are rocks in my shoes, and we’re kissing, and if we weren’t doing this outside on the cold, grimy blacktop, I’d probably just assume the whole thing was an unusually hot fever dream.

ZACH


Hey, this is, uh, really really great but if we keep going like this, I just, um. Maybe, maybe you don’t want to lose your virginity outside, in a parking lot, behind the Lithuanian Cultural Heritage Center?

GABE

Virginity is a societal construct.

ZACH

Okay. (DEEP BREATH) But maybe I don’t want to lose my virginity in a parking lot by the Lithuanian—


GABE

Oh no. Oh no, I’m sorry—

ZACH

You’re cool.

GABE

Do you, like, want it to be, uh, more romantic, or—?

ZACH

No, no, no. No, god. I’m not talking flower petals and smooth jazz, just maybe. You know. A room with walls and a floor. A door. A ceiling’d be nice but not, like, essential, I guess?

GABE

That is a very attainable goal. Hey, Zach, will you go out with me?

ZACH

(LAUGHING) Oh my god—

GABE

“Oh my god” as in—?

ZACH

Of course.

GABE

Are you free tonight? Like, after you drive everyone home? My parents aren’t necessarily expecting me back until tomorrow. (HURRIEDLY) I mean, we could just hang out in your room and talk Baldwin, and I wanted to ask about The Golden Compass anyway—

ZACH

Yes. Yes, of course, that is the perfect date, yes. (LAUGHS) Shit, your poor parents, thinking you’re out fooling around, when really you’re just, like, having a literary discussion—

GABE

I mean, maybe a little fooling around.

ZACH

But you’re—I mean—you said you’re asexual, or like, in that general, uh, direction—and I don’t wanna—

GABE

I’m on that spectrum. It’s a wide spectrum.

ZACH

And you’ll, like, tell me if I do something you don’t like?

GABE

(LAUGHS) Zach, at what point so far has that been a problem?

ZACH

Sorry, I feel like I’m flubbing my end of this, or something.

GABE

Are you kidding? When I used to try to daydream this conversation, I swear to God it never went this well. Come here. Zach, you’re my dream guy. (LAUGHING A LITTLE)

ZACH

(GRINNING) No.

GABE

Yeah. Hey.

ZACH

Yeah?

GABE

Can we… I don’t mind spending prom in a parking lot together, I seriously don’t, but I just—I kind of wanted to slow dance with you. I know it’s cheesy, I know it’s such a cliché, but I’d been thinking about it—

ZACH

Gabe, that is a very attainable goal.

FX: DOOR OPENS, AND THEY STEP INSIDE. STILL CROWD DIN AND A RAUNCHY-SOUNDING DANCE HIT IS PLAYING.

ZACH NARRATION

Inside, it’s dark and warm and so loud that we have to talk into each other’s ears to be heard. Gabe laces our fingers together, and his face is resolute, but his grip is shaky. I squeeze his hand.

GABE

What now?

ZACH

We wait until the DJ picks something that works.

GABE

What’s wrong with this one?

THE RAUNCHY DANCE HIT

(SOME LYRICS FILTER THROUGH.)

ZACH

It’s, uh, not a slow dance song.

ZACH NARRATION

I nod to the dance floor, where kids are gyrating and shaking their hips and moving all over each other. Gabe doesn’t seem to notice.

GABE

I have waited two and half months for this. I’m not gonna stand here all night waiting for the DJ to do his goddamn job.

ZACH

If we ignored every other beat, we could probably still—

GABE

Yeah. Okay.

ZACH NARRATION

Nobody’s watching us, too busy bumping and grinding and occasionally rolling their eyes at the parent chaperone’s doomed attempts to keep tonight PG.

I put my hands on Gabe’s waist, and Gabe follows suit, tucking my head under his chin. His hands are careful on my back. We sway to every other beat. Gabe hums, tuneless and I can feel the reverberations. I breathe in and smell oranges.

ZACH

Hey. Y’know, if it doesn’t work out with the school board—

GABE

It could.

ZACH

But if it doesn’t. Tori’s plan—telling the press about what happened, making it a whole thing. We don’t have to, but if you’re up for it, I am.

GABE

Yeah?

ZACH

For the record.

GABE

For the record. Yes. Of course. How could you not tell I like you?

ZACH

Ugh, likewise. (LAUGHS) Sorry, this song is so dirty. And sexist, it’s terrible—

GABE

I can’t hear the words.

ZACH NARRATION

Around us, taffeta rustles against suit fabric and the bassline thrums. Some gravel remains in my shoe but it is very, very hard to care from inside Gabe’s arms.

ZACH

Prom magic. Gabe, were you aware that tonight is the most magical night of our lives?

GABE

(GRINNING) Forget that. Forget all that. Things are gonna get so much better.

(ZACH NARRATION)

And there on the dance floor, I smile, close my eyes, and believe him.

KAY

This episode features—

MATTHEW

Matthew Sabido as Zach

CHRIS

Chris Rivera as Gabe

PAIGE

Paige Alena as Leslie

ISHANI

Ishani Kanetkar as Tori

PERSEUS

Perseus Rebelo as Andy

SOPHIA

Sophia Babai as Ponni

JAMIE

Jamie Price as Horace

SRIKRIPA

Srikripa Prasad as Ashley

ANDY

Andy BC Emmerson as Mike

RACHEL

Directed by Rachel Mackenzie Kellum

MICHAELA

Production coordination by Michaela Whatnall

REBECCA

Audio mixing by Rebecca Lynn

JESSICA

Written by Jessica Best

Zach’s narration music is written, performed, and produced by Chiron Star.

JONATHAN

Misogynistic 2000s pop song played during prom produced and recorded by Jonathan "Swagger" Natale'

KAY

And I’ve been Kay Watson, your morning announcements. Thank you, and have a great day, Columbus High!