- Procyon Podcast Network
Me and AU 1. "Welcome to Selkirk" Transcript
Updated: May 3, 2021
(WE'RE IN A NARROW BACK ALLEY, OFF A NOT-TOO BUSY SMALL TOWN STREET. GENTLE NATURE, FAINT TRAFFIC)
MUSIC: SOFT, ACOUSTIC GUITAR-DRIVEN FOLK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. ("ONCE FUTURE (INSTRUMENTAL)," JASON WOODWARD)
SOUND: FLICK OF A LIGHTER, SOFT BURN OF A CIGARETTE BEING LIT
(AN INHALE. AN EXHALE. THAT SECOND ONE IS MORE OF A SIGH)
Tony had smoked the cigarette all the way down to the filter and was about to start inhaling that when Garrett stuck his head and shoulders out the back door of the Old Yellow Top cafe.
SOUND: A LIGHT SCREEN DOOR OPENS
Nelson's giving us free coffee for getting the hikers to delete those videos.
A paper cup appeared in view, already stained where Garrett had spilled what had to be another three-shot mocha over the lip.
You want me to order you a latte or something?
SOUND: A FINAL ANGRY DRAG OF THE CIGARETTE
How the fuck--
Tony said, flicking the cigarette butt away
--has Bigfoot been running this place for five fucking years without anyone noticing?
Dude, if I thought every hipster lumberjack over six foot five in this town was a monster I'd have to start writing grant applications again, because that'd be one hell of a field study.
The guy has under-eye stubble. How did I miss under-eye stubble?
Hey, it's like Jody keeps saying--
GARRETT AND TONY
You only see what you want to see.
Garrett raised his cup in salute, flashing a crooked smile over the lid. The kind of smile that quirked his scarred right eyebrow into a neat little arc and made something in Tony's chest hiccup.
Jesus, speaking of things a guy wanted to see.
Sure I can't get you a drink?
(FADING INTO KATE'S LINE)
Uh... I um...
So he hadn't noticed a literal supernatural being making lattes less than a block from his workplace every day. That didn't mean Tony couldn't tell when someone was flirting with him. Hell, at least he'd believed flirting existed for more than two weeks. At least it hadn't taken flirting attacking him next to a dumpster behind Ferarro's Family Foods to get an awareness of concept.
And... they'd had a moment, hadn't they? That afternoon, when Garrett had -- well, okay. He'd shoved Tony into a bush. But only for his own protection. And when he'd helped him up, Garrett's hands had lingered at Tony's shoulders, even after he'd brushed the stray leaves away, and he'd smiled just like this -- warm eyed and amused in a way that made Tony want another cigarette, but also want to step forward and--
(MUSIC AND BACKGROUND FX CUT ABRUPTLY. WE'RE IN A SMALL ROOM. FLORESCENT LIGHT HUM, A BIT OF FAN FROM AN INDUSTRIAL COOLER.)
Hey Kate, what are you writing?
SOUND: A NOTEBOOK SLAMS SHUT
Jesus, Stuart, did you take a level in barista ninja and forget to tell anyone?
Sorry. But I come with a message: The hour of coffee-geddon is upon us.
It's t-minus five until soccer camp lets out, and you know the first things those moms are gonna do after pick up is hit the drive-thru.
... wait, why do you look so happy?
It's my turn to go on break. Here, I'm supposed to give you my headset.
So were you writing in your diary?
(WALKING OUT OF EARSHOT)
I'm not answering that, Stuart.
That means it's a yes, Kate.
Have a good break, Stuart.
Remember, if they start throwing the coffee, stop drop and roll...
SOUND: SWINGING DOOR TAKE US INTO A BRIEF BLUR OF COFFEE SHOP NOISE. A WHIR OF AN ESPRESSO MACHINE, A SCREECH of A STEAM WAND, WHICH FADES INTO
MUSIC: ME AND AU THEME TUNE
Me and AU Episode 1: Welcome to Selkirk
(IT'S THE INTERNET. SOFT NOTES OF THE THEME TUNE MIX WITH GENTLE ELECTRONIC BLEEPS AND OCCASIONAL CROWD NOISE TO CREATE AN IMPRESSIONISTIC, AMBIENT SPACE THAT IS AT ONCE HUGE AND EXTREMELY BUSY.)
New text post, Thursday, May 21, from user ACunningPlan.
SOUND: TYPING, SLOWLY FADING OUT UNDER KATE'S MONOLOGUE
TITLE: 'Why you should be watching Selkirk.'
(SALES VOICE ACTIVATE)
Do you like monsters? Mysteries? Really cool characters who actually seem to care about each other? Lots of real good mountains? Then you need to watch this show!
So, Selkirk is this tiny Canadian mountain town that's super remote and hard to get to. It's the kind of place you go when you want to disappear, and pretty much all the residents are former Vietnam draft dodgers, or running illegal marijuana grow ops, or descendants of the kind of religious sects that needed to get the hell out of the Old Country. Or they're monsters.
Lots of people didn't notice when the monsters started moving in -- most of the time the nice werewolf who lives down the street is just another soccer mom, you know? But things are going bad in Selkirk lately. Something's attacking people. And 99 per cent of the time it's killing them -- except for this one guy: Tony Vinchetti.
Tony survived an attack, which is good. Except it's also not, because the only reason he's alive is because some other old family curse might have dibs on killing him first. We don't really know what's happening there three episodes in, but I'm pretty sure It's Complicated.
Other reasons to watch Selkirk:
1. Jody and Garrett, the badass park rangers-slash-monster wranglers responsible for keeping human-paranormal conflict to a minimum, which could be going better...
2. All of the monsters are so great and nice and seem to really care about making a community together -- except for whoever's killing people. And the fairies, who are for sure jerks.
3. We haven't seen them in an episode yet, but one of the season teaser trailers had werewolf puppies.
4. Maybe-intentional chemistry between Garrett and Tony? There has been A Lot of touching in the first few episodes. Fingers crossed.
5. Did I mention we're getting werewolf puppies?
(A BEAT OF SILENCE)
Hashtag Selkirk TV
SOUND: A MOUSE CLICKS, THE SOUND OF A POST GOING THROUGH
(NORMAL VOICE SERVICES RESUMES)
(BEAT OF SILENCE)
SOUND: SOFT CHIME
Text post liked by user: Raygambit
SOUND: SOFT CHIME
Text post liked by user: Birdnetwork
SOUND: SOFT CHIME
Text post liked by user: Just-Laura
SOUND: ANOTHER BEAT OF SILENCE. ANOTHER MOUSE CLICK.
No new activity.
SOUND: FINGERS DRUMMED AGAINST A DESKTOP. ANOTHER MOUSE CLICK.
No new activity.
Right... yeah. Okay. Just... give it time.
SOUND: ANOTHER MOUSE CLICK
No new activity.
(SOFT BASS AMBIANCE.)
If you've never gotten into fanfiction, I guess it probably sounds a little weird, huh? Going to every movie in a franchise or getting super into trying to guess the plot of a TV series, that's pretty normal these days. Comic Con's like a billion dollar event. Even buying figures of superheroes you're not supposed to play with is kinda mainstream.
But if you tell someone that you spent the first week of your last university summer vacation ever writing 50,000 words about those same superheroes working at a flower shop and falling in love after a series of comedic miscommunications -- well, sometimes you still get looks.
And, yeah. Going back over that, I guess I could've made it sound a little less weird. Good going, me. Try again.
I.... Okay -- sometimes you see a movie, hear a podcast, read a book and it's like finding a home you didn't know you were missing. And you want to be in that place more often. Not that I literally think I'd be more at home in a wizard boarding school -- though if they asked I'd definitely go there at the end of the summer instead of back to Victoria to finish my degree.
What I mean is, like... it's like, being seen. Like somehow, this thing you love looked inside you and went, 'oh yeah, me too.' And when you feel that way all you want to do is to create something that keeps that feeling going. Something that finds whatever is in this thing that's speaking to you and runs with it as hard as it can.
And in a perfect world, what's great about fanfic culture is you're not the only one who feels that way. In a perfect world there are all these other people going 'yeah, me too' just as hard as you are, and you're all trying to make more and more of that good feeling, until there's--
(THE INTERNET AMBIANCE OF SCENE TWO RESURFACES)
SOUND: MOUSE CLICKING
No new activity.
(THE INTERNET RETREATS, WE RETURN TO THE NARRATIVE AMBIANCE)
Yeah. Like I said, it's great --
Uuuuunless the thing you love is a first season Canadian TV show that only six people have heard of because it's not airing in the U.S. yet. Then, uh... yeah, not so much.
But... even then, I think I lucked out when I found Selkirk. Because if I'd loved something else -- something that thousands of other people loved just as much -- I would have had fun. I would have made friends. And I would have been able to read a ton of great stories.
(INTERNET AMBIANCE RETURNS)
SOUND: SOFT "LIKED POST" CHIME
Text post liked by user hella--enchanted
But this way?
I met you.