1. REGRETS? ME?
SOUND: AN INTERNET VIDEO PROGRAM TRYING TO CONNECT. WE LISTEN TO IT RING SEVERAL TIMES. CROSSFADE INTO...
(NARRATION MODE - SOFT AMBIENT NOTES FROM THE ME AND AU THEME WASH BEHIND KATE'S VOICE)
KATE
I don't know why I suggested it, okay?!
We were just -- we were having such a good time, and the episode was so good, and the video chat program was right there on my desktop. For a second, it seemed like a really great idea.
And then the call started going through.
It's amazing how many excuses to hang up you can think of in 10 seconds: My mom just walked in. My internet died. The house is on fire. I'm having a heart attack.
I thought about using all of them. All at once, even.
But then, the video connected and...
It's funny how you can have a picture of someone in your head even when you don't know what they look like.
Some stuff I knew for sure -- like, the person in the picture should have black hair and brown eyes. She should be kind of tall. And she should really like cardigans. But, I'd had a lot of details to fill in on my own. Like the pitch of your voice. Or the way you'd move your hands. Or you smile.
And when the video loaded, and you were there on the screen, smiling at me for real? That, ah--
That was better than anything I'd imagined.
(NARRATION DROPS)
SOUND: AN "ANSWERED" NOISE
2. THE REST OF THE EPISDE
(A SMALL ROOM. ELLA SPEAKS WITH A SOFT REVERB)
ELLA
...hello?
KATE
Ella! Hi!
ELLA
Kate!
KATE
Hey.
ELLA
Hi.
KATE
Hi.
ELLA
(GENTLY TEASING) Hi.
KATE
Sush, I'm just -- You're a real person.
ELLA
Thanks. You too.
KATE
(BEAT) Uh, how's your night--
ELLA
(AT THE SAME TIME)
I still can't believe that happened -- oh-- sorry--
KATE
Sorry -- it's fine--
ELLA
Go ahead--
KATE
No, never mind. What were you saying?
ELLA
I just can't believe I didn't see that coming.
KATE
(HAS TOTALLY FORGOTTEN SELKIRK EXISTS FOR A SECOND)
OH -- yeah, the kiss! The kiss, yeah!
ELLA
That kiss.
KATE
I can't believe I thought they were gonna have her hook up with the rod and gun club guy.
ELLA
I feel like I'm trying to replay every episode in my head all at once.
KATE
Right? God, I'm trying to think of what other women Jodi's talked to...
ELLA
Oh! Oh my God. Fairyland!
KATE
...oh my God, you mean with the queen, and--
ELLA
(FAUX-SEDUCTIVE)
"Your majesty."
KATE
How did I think that was sarcasm?
ELLA
I need to look up the gifs. Jodi made eyes at her, didn't she?
KATE
Oh my God she totally did.
And the face touch--
ELLA
The face touch!
Kate, we were fools.
KATE
It was... really all out there, wasn't it?
ELLA
Do you think I have to turn in my gay card for missing this, or do they send someone to our houses to take them back?
KATE
Maybe it's just a gay demerits system? We could, like, pay a gay fine or something?
And, anyway, if having good gaydar was a requirement, I would've gotten my license revoked in high school.
ELLA
To be fair though, does anyone have good gaydar in high school?
KATE
I mean--
I mean, I couldn't even tell I was into girls until two years ago, so I'm not the person to ask.
ELLA
Ooh, Is this a story?
KATE
Only an embarrassing one, oh my gosh.
ELLA
That's a great genre.
KATE
Alight. Okay. Alright.
So there was this girl in one of my English Lit classes and... Did you know you can go for coffee with someone a lot of times before you realize you're on a date?
ELLA
(GIGGLY)
Oh no...
KATE
I figured the hand touching and arm grabbing was just 'cause she was touchy-feeley and kinda easily excited...
ELLA
Oh no Kate.
KATE
Yeaaah. I'm an actual fanfic, if you didn't realize? I'm like IRL, a fanfic disaster waiting to happen.
ELLA
What happened?
KATE
Uh, she offered to walk me home one day -- which like, yeah, again, there were signs -- and then she asked... you know...
ELLA
What?
KATE
(HOW DID THIS GET SO PERSONAL SO FAST?)
If, uh. Okay, so she asked if she could kiss me --
I got it at that point, I got what she was getting at, I just wanna say, to defend myself -- just so you know.
ELLA
I'm glad to hear that.
KATE
If I'd known about it ahead of time I would have -- I don't know -- freaked out. A lot. Like, a lot - a lot. But in the moment it was just this yes or no question, so -- yeah.
...and I learned some stuff about myself.
ELLA
That's a good kiss.
KATE
It... did what it was supposed to.
ELLA
Is she still your girlfriend?
KATE
Oh man we actually didn't even go out that long? It turns out that English class was the only thing we really had in common.
ELLA
Mm, yeah. I know that feeling.
KATE
Yeah, I basically had to come out to my mom so I could call and be sad at her about the breakup.
ELLA
(OOF NOISE)
KATE
I mean, you know. It was fine! And now you know my whole embarrassing gay backstory!
ELLA
Aw, no -- that's a cute story!
KATE
Psh, you're a cute story.
ELLA
(PRETTY FLUSTERED)
I, uh--
KATE
(WAIT. DID SHE JUST CALL HER CUTE?)
I mean--
ELLA
I'm going to take that as a compliment.
KATE
You should.
(AWKWARD, SEVERAL BEAT LONG PAUSE)
God, sorry, be right back. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna be under the desk for the rest of my life...
ELLA
Do you want to know how I figured out I was queer?
KATE
Is it also at least kind of embarrassing?
ELLA
Sailor Moon fan fiction.
KATE
Whaaaat?
ELLA
Mmhm.
KATE
Really.
ELLA
Even at a young age I just had a lot of feelings about Sailor Jupiter.
KATE
Yeah, that... that kinda figures, honestly.
ELLA
Are you trying to say that I have a fictional type?
KATE
Uh, I mean, I have been reading a lot of your book recommendations lately, dude.
ELLA
Okay, okay, to be fair to me, it is a great character type.
KATE
So, how old were you? When, you know, you knew--
ELLA
Nine or ten, I think.
KATE
Damn. So pretty much always, huh?
ELLA
Yes and no? I think I knew there was something a little different about me but it didn't really have any shape to it at first.
Is that making sense?
KATE
Yeah, no, a lot, actually.
ELLA
Okay, good.
It's strange to think about, but if we didn't have the internet, I don't know where I would have found the words I needed. I've tried to imagine either of my parents saying 'queer' and -- God, no.
KATE
Are they not --
Sorry, is that too personal--?
ELLA
Oh, no. They're fine, actually. It's more like -- when I got my first period my mom handed me a pamphlet from the doctor's office on her way to work and that was our whole conversation.
KATE
Yikes. Good instructions, at least?
ELLA
We just aren't a family that talks like that. And most of my friends were only children -- no older siblings to mine for information. If I'd had to ask questions about myself offline I'm not sure where I would have gone.
KATE
So, Sailor Moon fic.
ELLA
Uh huh.
KATE
You know I have to ask--
ELLA
I shipped Sailor Jupiter and Mercury.
KATE
Nice. That's a classic, right?
ELLA
Oh, hell yeah.
It was a good pairing if you wanted a lot of material. I think I must have read through at least three or four fan archives.
KATE
God, choice in fan fiction. What's that like again?
ELLA
At least Selkirk's hit double digits in fan works now. That's more than I can say for some of the books I've read.
KATE
Do you think we need to do recruitment? Like really small towns do when they want doctors to come set up shop?
ELLA
Five hundred words of Tony/Garrett fiction a week and all this can be yours!
KATE
Everything the light touches shall be your kingdom.
"All this" being...
ELLA
Extremely detailed compliments--
KATE
--from at least five but no more than 13 people.
ELLA
We can be numerically vague.
KATE
And we can throw in free coffee -- at one extremely specific location in Western Canada, and only when my manager isn't watching.
ELLA
Hot or iced?
KATE
Dealer's choice, dealer's choice.
ELLA
Well then.
KATE
We roll out the red carpet here in the Selkirk fandom.
ELLA
I could throw in another free coffee if they're ever in one very specific location in Ontario.
KATE
I like it, I like it, I like it.
(BEAT)
So uh, does that mean you're paying when we see each other next month or...
ELLA
Oh that's what this has been all about. I see, pretty sneaky.
KATE
Yup. Free coffee.
ELLA
You get free coffees at work!
KATE
I'm gonna be unemployed by then. It's a long con.
ELLA
I feel so used...
KATE
(SELF DEPRECATING)
At least you get the pleasure of my company.
ELLA
(TOTALLY SERIOUS)
Oh. Yeah, that's true.
KATE
I -- I'm gonna remember you said that when I'm ordering extra whipped cream.
ELLA
Hm...
KATE
Huh?
ELLA
We're going to get coffee.
KATE
Is this a joke about the barista thing?
ELLA
No, it's... I don't think that felt real before. Not all the way.
KATE
Oh.
ELLA
Sorry, was that weird to say?
KATE
No. Uh -- no. No, I know what you mean.
I'm really looking forward to it.
ELLA
Me too.
(ANOTHER PAUSE)
KATE
Hey, Ella?
ELLA
Hm?
KATE
I -- um...
ELLA
What?
KATE
I--
(ACTUALLY NO NEVER MIND, FORGET WHATEVER SHE WAS GOING TO SAY)
I think I just got a really great idea for a fic.
ELLA
Tell me more.
KATE
Okay, remember in episode six when we saw that family of jackalopes in the woods? So, what if...
(WE FADE OUT OVER HER LINE)