• Andrea Klassen

10. "Real People" Transcript

1. REGRETS? ME?


SOUND: AN INTERNET VIDEO PROGRAM TRYING TO CONNECT. WE LISTEN TO IT RING SEVERAL TIMES. CROSSFADE INTO...


(NARRATION MODE - SOFT AMBIENT NOTES FROM THE ME AND AU THEME WASH BEHIND KATE'S VOICE)


KATE

I don't know why I suggested it, okay?!


We were just -- we were having such a good time, and the episode was so good, and the video chat program was right there on my desktop. For a second, it seemed like a really great idea.


And then the call started going through.


It's amazing how many excuses to hang up you can think of in 10 seconds: My mom just walked in. My internet died. The house is on fire. I'm having a heart attack.

I thought about using all of them. All at once, even.


But then, the video connected and...


It's funny how you can have a picture of someone in your head even when you don't know what they look like.


Some stuff I knew for sure -- like, the person in the picture should have black hair and brown eyes. She should be kind of tall. And she should really like cardigans. But, I'd had a lot of details to fill in on my own. Like the pitch of your voice. Or the way you'd move your hands. Or you smile.


And when the video loaded, and you were there on the screen, smiling at me for real? That, ah--


That was better than anything I'd imagined.


(NARRATION DROPS)


SOUND: AN "ANSWERED" NOISE


2. THE REST OF THE EPISDE


(A SMALL ROOM. ELLA SPEAKS WITH A SOFT REVERB)

ELLA

...hello?


KATE

Ella! Hi!


ELLA

Kate!


KATE

Hey.


ELLA

Hi.


KATE

Hi.


ELLA

(GENTLY TEASING) Hi.


KATE

Sush, I'm just -- You're a real person.


ELLA

Thanks. You too.


KATE

(BEAT) Uh, how's your night--


ELLA

(AT THE SAME TIME)

I still can't believe that happened -- oh-- sorry--

KATE

Sorry -- it's fine--


ELLA

Go ahead--


KATE

No, never mind. What were you saying?


ELLA

I just can't believe I didn't see that coming.


KATE

(HAS TOTALLY FORGOTTEN SELKIRK EXISTS FOR A SECOND)

OH -- yeah, the kiss! The kiss, yeah!


ELLA

That kiss.


KATE

I can't believe I thought they were gonna have her hook up with the rod and gun club guy.


ELLA

I feel like I'm trying to replay every episode in my head all at once.


KATE

Right? God, I'm trying to think of what other women Jodi's talked to...


ELLA

Oh! Oh my God. Fairyland!


KATE

...oh my God, you mean with the queen, and--


ELLA

(FAUX-SEDUCTIVE)

"Your majesty."


KATE

How did I think that was sarcasm?


ELLA

I need to look up the gifs. Jodi made eyes at her, didn't she?


KATE

Oh my God she totally did.


And the face touch--


ELLA

The face touch!


Kate, we were fools.


KATE

It was... really all out there, wasn't it?


ELLA

Do you think I have to turn in my gay card for missing this, or do they send someone to our houses to take them back?


KATE

Maybe it's just a gay demerits system? We could, like, pay a gay fine or something?

And, anyway, if having good gaydar was a requirement, I would've gotten my license revoked in high school.


ELLA

To be fair though, does anyone have good gaydar in high school?


KATE

I mean--


I mean, I couldn't even tell I was into girls until two years ago, so I'm not the person to ask.


ELLA

Ooh, Is this a story?


KATE

Only an embarrassing one, oh my gosh.


ELLA

That's a great genre.


KATE

Alight. Okay. Alright.


So there was this girl in one of my English Lit classes and... Did you know you can go for coffee with someone a lot of times before you realize you're on a date?


ELLA

(GIGGLY)

Oh no...


KATE

I figured the hand touching and arm grabbing was just 'cause she was touchy-feeley and kinda easily excited...


ELLA

Oh no Kate.


KATE

Yeaaah. I'm an actual fanfic, if you didn't realize? I'm like IRL, a fanfic disaster waiting to happen.


ELLA

What happened?


KATE

Uh, she offered to walk me home one day -- which like, yeah, again, there were signs -- and then she asked... you know...


ELLA

What?


KATE

(HOW DID THIS GET SO PERSONAL SO FAST?)

If, uh. Okay, so she asked if she could kiss me --


I got it at that point, I got what she was getting at, I just wanna say, to defend myself -- just so you know.


ELLA

I'm glad to hear that.


KATE

If I'd known about it ahead of time I would have -- I don't know -- freaked out. A lot. Like, a lot - a lot. But in the moment it was just this yes or no question, so -- yeah.


...and I learned some stuff about myself.


ELLA

That's a good kiss.


KATE

It... did what it was supposed to.


ELLA

Is she still your girlfriend?


KATE

Oh man we actually didn't even go out that long? It turns out that English class was the only thing we really had in common.


ELLA

Mm, yeah. I know that feeling.


KATE

Yeah, I basically had to come out to my mom so I could call and be sad at her about the breakup.


ELLA

(OOF NOISE)


KATE

I mean, you know. It was fine! And now you know my whole embarrassing gay backstory!


ELLA

Aw, no -- that's a cute story!


KATE

Psh, you're a cute story.


ELLA

(PRETTY FLUSTERED)

I, uh--


KATE

(WAIT. DID SHE JUST CALL HER CUTE?)

I mean--


ELLA

I'm going to take that as a compliment.


KATE

You should.

(AWKWARD, SEVERAL BEAT LONG PAUSE)

God, sorry, be right back. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna be under the desk for the rest of my life...


ELLA

Do you want to know how I figured out I was queer?


KATE

Is it also at least kind of embarrassing?


ELLA

Sailor Moon fan fiction.


KATE

Whaaaat?


ELLA

Mmhm.


KATE

Really.


ELLA

Even at a young age I just had a lot of feelings about Sailor Jupiter.


KATE

Yeah, that... that kinda figures, honestly.


ELLA

Are you trying to say that I have a fictional type?


KATE

Uh, I mean, I have been reading a lot of your book recommendations lately, dude.


ELLA

Okay, okay, to be fair to me, it is a great character type.


KATE

So, how old were you? When, you know, you knew--


ELLA

Nine or ten, I think.


KATE

Damn. So pretty much always, huh?


ELLA

Yes and no? I think I knew there was something a little different about me but it didn't really have any shape to it at first.


Is that making sense?


KATE

Yeah, no, a lot, actually.


ELLA

Okay, good.


It's strange to think about, but if we didn't have the internet, I don't know where I would have found the words I needed. I've tried to imagine either of my parents saying 'queer' and -- God, no.


KATE

Are they not --


Sorry, is that too personal--?


ELLA

Oh, no. They're fine, actually. It's more like -- when I got my first period my mom handed me a pamphlet from the doctor's office on her way to work and that was our whole conversation.


KATE

Yikes. Good instructions, at least?


ELLA

We just aren't a family that talks like that. And most of my friends were only children -- no older siblings to mine for information. If I'd had to ask questions about myself offline I'm not sure where I would have gone.


KATE

So, Sailor Moon fic.


ELLA

Uh huh.


KATE

You know I have to ask--


ELLA

I shipped Sailor Jupiter and Mercury.


KATE

Nice. That's a classic, right?


ELLA

Oh, hell yeah.


It was a good pairing if you wanted a lot of material. I think I must have read through at least three or four fan archives.


KATE

God, choice in fan fiction. What's that like again?


ELLA

At least Selkirk's hit double digits in fan works now. That's more than I can say for some of the books I've read.


KATE

Do you think we need to do recruitment? Like really small towns do when they want doctors to come set up shop?


ELLA

Five hundred words of Tony/Garrett fiction a week and all this can be yours!


KATE

Everything the light touches shall be your kingdom.


"All this" being...


ELLA

Extremely detailed compliments--


KATE

--from at least five but no more than 13 people.


ELLA

We can be numerically vague.


KATE

And we can throw in free coffee -- at one extremely specific location in Western Canada, and only when my manager isn't watching.


ELLA

Hot or iced?


KATE

Dealer's choice, dealer's choice.


ELLA

Well then.


KATE

We roll out the red carpet here in the Selkirk fandom.


ELLA

I could throw in another free coffee if they're ever in one very specific location in Ontario.


KATE

I like it, I like it, I like it.

(BEAT)

So uh, does that mean you're paying when we see each other next month or...


ELLA

Oh that's what this has been all about. I see, pretty sneaky.


KATE

Yup. Free coffee.


ELLA

You get free coffees at work!


KATE

I'm gonna be unemployed by then. It's a long con.


ELLA

I feel so used...


KATE

(SELF DEPRECATING)

At least you get the pleasure of my company.


ELLA

(TOTALLY SERIOUS)

Oh. Yeah, that's true.


KATE

I -- I'm gonna remember you said that when I'm ordering extra whipped cream.


ELLA

Hm...


KATE

Huh?


ELLA

We're going to get coffee.


KATE

Is this a joke about the barista thing?


ELLA

No, it's... I don't think that felt real before. Not all the way.


KATE

Oh.


ELLA

Sorry, was that weird to say?


KATE

No. Uh -- no. No, I know what you mean.


I'm really looking forward to it.


ELLA

Me too.

(ANOTHER PAUSE)


KATE

Hey, Ella?


ELLA

Hm?


KATE

I -- um...


ELLA

What?


KATE

I--

(ACTUALLY NO NEVER MIND, FORGET WHATEVER SHE WAS GOING TO SAY)

I think I just got a really great idea for a fic.


ELLA

Tell me more.


KATE

Okay, remember in episode six when we saw that family of jackalopes in the woods? So, what if...

(WE FADE OUT OVER HER LINE)

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