1.SELKIRK'S BACK
(OUR OLD PAL THE INTERNET, A BACKGROUND AMBIANCE OF CAVERNOUS SPACES, WITH SOFT DIGITAL BLIPS AND A WASH OF FAINT CHATTER AT POINTS)
COMPUTER VOICE
New text post on Wednesday, July 15
SOUND: NEW POST NOISE
ELLA
Now that we've had two full episodes to get to know them, what is the fandom take on Arthur and Grace? After extensive discussion, ACunningPlan and I are split between cautious optimism -- yay! -- and cautious suspicion - booooo!
Do you think the faeries brought in their own investigators because:
1. They honestly want peace restored to Selkirk
2. They're covering up their own complicity in the attacks, or
3. They're just trying to make Jodi throw more hand axes at Garrett's monster movie posters out of frustration?
Let's discuss.
SOUND: NEW POST NOISE
KATE
Just so you all know who is who here, I'll be taking signups for team Don't Trust the New Characters all week and every week.
I mean, Arthur went hiking in a lavender three piece suit and didn't even get dirt on his cuffs. That's gotta be dark magic. Just the suit itself is dark magic
COMPUTER VOICE
New private message to user hella--enchanted
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Help. Whitney asked her co-workers for venue suggestions for the meetup and now I have an email from her that literally has 30 names in it. This is terrifying. I don't even know what some of these notes mean. Like, what makes "natural wine" different from just... wine?
In the interest of narrowing these down, are you more of a pub person, or a wine bar person. Or like, weird theme bars with video games and air hockey person? I'm vetoing all sports bars. We gotta show the jocks who's who.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
By the way, I've recruited three more people for Team Don't Trust The New Characters, and it's still not too late to join us. You'd make a great co-captain.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
(SMALL SCOFF) And leave BirdNetwork alone on Team Optimism? Kate, that's cruel.
Do you think Whitney would mind if you forwarded me her list? Because if you need another set of eyes, I'm at everandbeyond93@gmail.com
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Oh my God this website has sucked me in so hard I forgot that email exists.
Check your inbox, I'm gonna send you a million links in two seconds.
(NARRATION BACKDROP FADES IN. SOFT WASHES OF NOTES, PULCKED FROM THE THEME TUNE BUT DISCONNECTED FROM THE MELODY.)
NARRATOR KATE
My parents do love Whitney. I guess they think she's a... good influence? Whatever that means. She's a good influence on them, anyway, because they let me call round trip airfare to Toronto an early birthday present. Departing August 17, returning August 24. Whitney screamed so hard when I called to tell her that she freaked out the night janitor at her office.
And... maybe it's weird, but buying a plane ticket made some other stuff easier too.
I mean, the show coming back from hiatus helped big time, don't get me wrong. But when you're co-planning the First Unofficial Selkirk Fan Meetup ever, you can't really worry if someone's -- you know -- or if you're the one who's coming across like you're... um... you know-ing.
Not that you would -- no one's thinking about you know-ing anyone here. You know.
Anyway, there are a lot of bars around the Toronto convention centre and a lot of contradictory Yelp reviews. Planning an event like this is a lot of responsibility. No one wants to get food poisoning in front of a bunch of internet strangers. Or your internet... ah...
You know.
(NARRATION DROPS, INTERNET AMBIANCE RIDES IN TO SAVE THE DAY)
SOUND: EMAIL SENT WOOSH
COMPUTER VOICE
Email sent Tuesday, July 21 to
KATE
everandbeyond93@gmail.com
Morning Ella!
So, the Vancouver Aquarium has baby manatees and a new live webcam feed. I know you said you were gonna have a super gross day at work today, so when you need a swim cow break, click on this link.
PS: They made a baby album too. I'm never leaving my computer again. Their faces, Ella.
2. LIVE WATCH
(FAINTLY, WE HEAR THE INTERNET. WE ALSO HEAR MUSIC AND A FEW FX COMING TINNILY FROM A SET OF LAPTOP SPEAKERS)
MUSIC: WE COME IN ON ANDY COHEN'S "TROPY ENDORPHINS," A JAUNTY PIECE OF GUITAR-DRIVEN FOLK.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
So whose plan to investigate the new characters is going to fail first?
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Oh, Tony's. Obviously Tony's.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
I love him but-- oh.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Uhhhhhh whoops. Never mind.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
Sorry Jodi. We were all rooting for you.
SOUND: MESSAGE SENT
KATE
Ok I know being followed is creepy but a knife to the throat? That seems like an overreaction. A don't trust the new characters kind of overreaction.
SOUND: MESSAGE RECEIVED
ELLA
Is this an appropriate time to mention that I kinda want Grace's jean jacket?
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Oh, no, that's a really good jacket.
(BEAT, THEN OUR NEW MUSIC CUE)
MUSIC: THINGS IN SELKIRK ARE HEATING UP A LITTLE. DR. TURTLE'S "DEAD FROM THE BEGINNING, ALIVE TO THE END" IS A SLIGHTLY MORE MINOR-KEY FINGERPICKED BIT OF FOLK.
SOUND:RECEIVED
ELLA
If Grace and Jodi are joining forces, how long do you give it before Arthur and Tony team up too?
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Probably by the next commercial--
OH MY GOD TONY YOU CANNOT WALK STRAIGHT INTO THE PERSON YOU'RE FOLLOWING THAT'S RULE NUMBER ONE.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
I think the show is actively screwing with me now. Do you think the writers are reading my DMs?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
I don't know about you, but I'm excited to see how Garrett fails at his trip into the woods.
(BEAT)
MUSIC: "BLOOM" BY JOSH WOODAWRD. SOFT, SWELLING,, GENTLY ACOUSTIC GUITAR FOLK.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Is it just me or does this scene have really weird energy?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
For two people looking at a dumpsters it's very... intense.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
I wonder who even wrote this episode. I don't think we've ever seen Jodi be this -- what's the word? I don't know how to describe it--
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Quippy?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
That's -- that's a good one. But I was thinking more -- is relaxed a strange observation?
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Oh, oh oh, I've got it! It's the smiling thing, right?
SOUND: RECEIVED ELLA
Yes! That's it! I don't think we've ever seen Jodi smile.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Maybe she's into... like... bloodstains?
(ANOTHER BEAT OF SILENCE)
MUSIC: KEVIN MACLEOD'S "SHADOWLANDS 4 - BREATH", OMINOUS MUSIC IS OMINOUS
SOUND: RECIEVED
ELLA
Oh gee. Okay, I take back everything I said about this being a filler episode.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Are they really not going to cut back to Garrett and the body at all?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
I- I don't think so. We're only got a couple minutes left.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
This is too much danger. I'm filing a complaint.
SOUND: FROM THE SELKIRK EPISODE (SO WITH SAME TINNINESS AS MUSIC) WE HEAR A CRASHING SOUND.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Oh no, that looked like a bad hit.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Ah, Jodi nooooo.
SOUND:RECEIVED
ELLA
Come on, come on, get up Jodi.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Oh God--
SOUND: FROM THE SELKIRK EPISODE THERE IS AN UNEARTHLY SCREECH - VERY NAZGUL OR SAN FRANCISCO BART TRAIN GOING THROUGH ANY UNDERGROUND PORTION OF THE LINE. THE MUSIC CUTS OUT UNDER IT.
(BEAT OF SILENCE)
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Okay, I take back what I said about Grace. Grace is good. Grace can 100 per cent stay.
SOUND: RECEIEVED
ELLA
I have never been more relieved to see an ice pick.
MUSIC: HEY GUESS WHO'S CREEPING BACK IN, IT'S "BLOOM" BUT NOW IT'S ALSO GOT STRINGS.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Seriously.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Wait. What's happening here?
SOUND: SENT
KATE
They sure are staring at each other a long time.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Oh my god.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Kate....
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Are they about to do what I think they're about to--
(NARRATION MODE UP - MUSIC SWELLS THEN CUTS OUT)
NARRATOR KATE
In the 10 weeks Selkirk had existed I'd spent way more time than I should ever admit to looking for subtext. Analyzing significant eye contact and hands on shoulders and who laughed at whose jokes the longest after a tense moment. I'd written a whole essay on what it meant when Garrett helped Tony up after he got smacked in the face with a pixie in one episode. I'd re-watched scenes for clothing details. I'd taught myself about shot composition.
So I probably should have seen it coming when Grace wiped the blood from her hands onto her cool jean jacket and bent down to help Jodi to her feet--
And the camera zoomed in--
And the soundtrack got all intense--
And in a medium close up...
(SUPER ABRUPT NARRATION DROP - WE RETURN TO NORMAL AMBIANCE D'INTERNET.)
SOUND:RECEIVED
ELLA
THEY KISSED?!?!!
SOUND: SENT
KATE
(QUIET) Woah.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
(THE AUDIO EQUIVALENT OF A KEYSMASH)
I can't believe they kissed!
Sorry. I'm really excited. Did you see that coming? I did not see that coming.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
I did not see that coming. But like, get it Jodi.
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
AGREED
SOUND: SENT
KATE
(LAUGHING) How much self control is it taking not to start running around your apartment right now?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
Oh God, I am going to owe my neighbours an apology in the morning.
Do you have thoughts yet? I think I'm too excited to have any, but I want to hear yours.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Oh man. Um--
Actually--
Are you going to bed soon?
SOUND: RECEIVED
ELLA
After that? I might need an hour or two to come down from first.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
(TRYING TO MUSTER ALL HER COURAGE)
Um, in that case.
SOUND: SENT
KATE
Do you want to scream at each other about this on video chat?